Do i call her grandma?

Question

i recently found my biofather and he has asked me to call his mother 'grandma'. now thats all fine and good for a couple of reasons

1. she is fantastic, i love her and she accepts me as one of her own, her words not mine.

2. i have no grandparents left, so the respect issue i have about calling him 'dad' wont apply to her. no one will be hurt but an 'extra' grandma' being around

now the question is, if you were the family of a long lost relative (NO ONE in this family knew of me for 35 years, i just showed up in his life one day) they dont know me from eve, would it be upsetting to you to hear this person calling your mother/grandma, whatever "grandma"

it seems almost disrespectful of me to use this term so early in our relationship. yes she is biologically related, but still a stranger.

whats your thoughts, am i being overly senstive or am i being respectful?

im so confused

Answer 1

If she wants you to call her grandma and you want to call her grandma then go for it.

I am sure you may be a shock to some of the family but once they get to know you, you may be refering to them all as Aunt, Uncle, cousin ect....

Good luck and have fun getting to know your new family.

btw..I alled my birth mom "mom" from the day I met her. It was weird at first but now it is natural. My adoptive mom was "mama" so there was no confusion

Answer 2

It's between you and your grandmother.  If you're both good with it, call her Grandma.  If you're not comfortable with it yet, let her know you need to "work into it" or something along those lines, as you're not ready for that yet.  Quite honestly, it's no one else's  business.  It's you and your grandmother's relationship.  Just because you two missed out on 35 years doesn't make you any less related.

Answer 3

I think your been very respectful!

I work in a nursing home & I have tons of "grandparents"

I've had a few people their who are dear to my heart and wanted me to call them Grandma I was worried what their family they were like if she's happy we are happy!

I know its  not the same but i wanted to share my story with you!

bottom line if she is happy with it thats what counts!

Answer 4

I think it should be whatever you and your new found grandmother feel comfortable with.  It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

I have an adopted sister who found her birth parents a couple of years ago.  We have no issue at all with her calling them mum and dad.  She is still my sister, nothing has changed.  She  just suddenly has this huge extended family.   Its rather cool.   (she also found out that instead of being the younger sister of 4 brothers, she now is the older sister of same - but diff family LOL - oh the irony).

Best way is just take it step by step and on a case by case basis with the people you meet in your new found family.  Don't forget to also respect your adopting family, include them in the proceedings too, they are still are part of your family as well.

Answer 5

Life is short.  Call her grandma.

Answer 6

It's perfectly fine for u to call her grandma that early, and I'm sure she'll feel good about it too since she didn't see u for so many years.  I'm pretty sure she'll be very happy if u do call her 'grandma'.

Answer 7

Hi Rachael,

There are really a few different thoughts going through my head on this one:

1)  It seems that while you don't have a problem with calling your grandmother "grandma" you are concerned that it may be upsetting for your other relatives to hear that.  You are just as much her grandchild as her other grandchildren are.

2)  There are no rules on the names that two people may call each other as long as they both agree on it.  If others don't like it, well, that's really their problem.  I'm guessing they probably would not have a problem because after all, she IS your grandma.  And if she does not have a problem with you calling her grandma, why should anyone else?

3)  Let me phrase it this way, If you had not seen a relative of yours in 35 years, does that make them not your relative anymore?  Plenty of non-adopted people have had limited contact with their grandparents over the years, yet they would not consider themselves less entitled to call them grandma, would they?  I would not worry about how long you have have been reunited.  There is no rule saying you must be reunited x number of years in order to earn back titles.  Just because you did not know where each other was, that did not make you not related to each other during that time.  She was still your grandmother then and she still is now.

4)  You say she is fantastic, you love her, & she loves you - that's great!  Don't let anyone else interfere with the relationship you have with your grandma.  Remember - None of us knows exactly how many more years we have left to live on this planet.  You have already missed out on enough.  Cherish the time you have with her.  It is never too late to start sharing moments or to start making memories.

5)  Final thought - If anyone else tells you that you do not have the right to call your grandmother "grandma" then it appears they have less respect for you, & that they are the insensitive ones.  It does not mean that Grandma will have less love left over for them.  They need to grow up.

My advice Rach, is to just enjoy your relationship with Grandma.  I am so happy for you that you have her in your life & it sounds like she is happy to have you in hers.  Grandmas are special people!

Sincerely,

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 8

I would do what you feel comfortable with. If you dont feel comfortable calling her grandma then dont.  You should also explain to dad and his mom that you dont feel comfortable with it so early in the relationship.  Maybe a Mrs. would work better for you.

Answer 9

ask her what she prefers.

Answer 10

"Grandma" isn't the same kind of title as "mom" or "dad".  I have friends that have "Grandma"'s that they're not related to AT ALL legally or biologically, but who they love like one.  As long as you feel comfortable with it, and she feels comfortable with it, then it's no one else's business.  If her other grandkids are jealous, then that's just too bad.  Wouldn't they expect a baby that was born today to be able to call her Grandma?  It's not like we get a choice about how many cousins we have.  

Personally, I would be very shy about having an extra "Mom" or "Dad" around, though I know plenty of people who are ok with it.  However, almost everyone already has more than one "Grandma" (and as you said, your others have already passed on) and most Grandma's have lots of Grandkids, so I don't think there should be any problem.  This is even more true since Grandma wasn't the one who made the choice to give you up.

Answer 11

It sounds like there is enough love to go around. . .call her Grandma.

Answer 12

you are being respectful and sensitive to the feelings of your family. Good for you! If she is ok with you calling her grandma, and you feel ready to do it, then by all means, do it! If anyone in the family has an issue with it, let her and biodad handle it. Just hug that woman and be thankful you have been given this unbelievably WONDERFUL opportunity!

Answer 13

Ask her how she feels about it.  Let her be the one to initiate the conversation that will ensue.   I think you are being respectful.

Answer 14

I am adopted and have 2 adopted kids- and I have one suggestion- if she likes you to call her grandma= obviously she has no problem with it- does she have grandchildren that are around a lot? What I would do if I were you would ask them if they mind if you call her grandma. They probably would say of course call her that, but you never know.  Congrats on finding your biological dad- and glad things worked out for you-  my son is visiting his biological family right now- he is 19.

Answer 15

Call her whatever you want.

Answer 16

i think it would be fine but ask her first i would think she would be pleased as for your dad i understand what you are saying and its ok if you dnt' feel like hes your dad hes technically not and does not deservet o be called that take care.

Answer 17

MY OPINION DOES NOT COUNT but I'm giving it anyway.

It's not the other grandchildren that are having a problem with this. It's Rachael's new found aunts and uncles, and it's not all of them. Grandma might be part of the issue but not all of it. These people had another girl drop from the sky and after getting finances toward her wedding wanted nothing to do with them. They are leery of another one doing the same thing, which Rachael and I both understand. But as far as calling her grandma. If you don't start now I don't think you ever will. How about switching back and forth between grandma and her name? It at least shows an effort. As far as the rest of them, (sigh) they'll get over it. It's between you, Jim, and your grandma. They just need time to see that your not a money grubbing wench like the last one.

Answer 18

whatever you feel comfortable with. honestly she seems like a great lady. i would probably call her by her name until i felt comfortable calling her 'grandma'.

[♥NiC]

Answer 19

My advise to you is to do what  you are most comfortable with, thats most important and if thats what they want then its not disrespectful.  What may be disrespect for one is not always for another.

Good Luck

Sandra

Answer 20

I think that if you feel comfortable with it, and she has asked you to, you should. If other people get annoyed, it's their problem.

But seriously, only do it if you are 100% comfortable with it. I spent several years calling my step-mom mom...until I just couldn't take it anymore. Do what YOU feel is best.

Answer 21

I would say call her grandma. My daughters godfather invites us to all of the family gatherings they have and I was instructed to call his grandma Grandma, it felt weird to me at first but then I realized it was just a term of indearment. I dont think anyone will be upset with you calling her that.

Answer 22

no - i think that she would love to be called grandma is that is what she is. you are part of the family- however time distant.

ask if you still have doubts.

is it ok to call you grandma?communication is the key.

good luck.

Answer 23

call her grandma

Answer 24

well i would try to get to know her first and then at the right time call her grandma

hope i helped

Answer 25

Call her grandma.  Your bdad has no problem with it (lucky you) and neither does she.  Enjoy it.

Answer 26

Ummmm, grandma's are the same way....they always want extra grandkids..... she'll probably cry tears of joy and you'll make her happier than she could've imagined.  Call her grandma, and count your blessings.  Let go and enjoy your new found family.

Answer 27

If she's ok with it and you're ok with it, then call her Grandma.  But make sure YOU are really ok with it.