Do i cancel the wedding?

Question

My mother has been a very irresponsible person.. For most of my teenage years I've had to fight not to be like her.. After a long hard struggle, here I am. Life is wonderful and on May 30th 2009 i am supposed to marry my love.. Now I find out on Friday that my mother was arrested for grand larceny, 2 misdemeanors and a warrant she skipped on 8 years ago. She is out on bail but has 2 court dates in September. Today while on the phone as she is crying to me about how sorry she is, she asked me not to get married without her. Now I am no attorney but things do not look good for her. My best friend tells me that I should not put my life on hold for my mother and that if she has to do more than a year of time, I should not cancel the wedding.. but I can not imagine going forward without her being there.. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to explain to everyone who asks where my mother is. and I don't want to break her heart and have her miss her only daughter's wedding even if I don't agree with her lifestyle and what she has done. Deposits have all been sent out over $1,000 lost. What do I do?

Answer 1

Immediately have a small, private ceremony while your mom is free. Borrow a dress, hire a Justice of the Peace or get a friend temporarily ordained, and just do it. Don't call off the 'real' wedding; you deserve your day. But it sounds like you want your mom to see you when you say "I do," so say it now, with no more than a dozen guests. Then move forward with your plans as if your mom never had these issues. Good luck.

Answer 2

It's up to your mother now, whether you get married without her or not. With good (make that exemplary!) behaviour, she could well expect to get a day-pass for her daughter's wedding. If not, then as others have mentioned you could send her the DVD and take pictures or your wedding dress when you visit her in jail.

In the meantime, you need someone more reliable to lean on. Your best friend is a good start. Do you have any aunts, or older friends, who could help support you as you plan for your wedding the way your mother ought to have done? Even an older woman from your work or your church, or perhaps your fiance's mother if you get along well with her? Most older women, I think, would be honoured to provide moral support and encouragement to a young bride in your position.

Answer 3

Go ahead with the wedding.

I know that it wouldn't be the same without your mum.

Ask the prison if she can get a day security leave for a special day.

Answer 4

dnt call it off. it is YOUR day. if worst comes to worst u can go visit her at jail with ur wedding dress on.

Answer 5

Don't cancel and don't worry about her. she is an adult and made all the decisions that screwed up her life. don't let her s***w up yours.

And if any one asks where she is just say "she's dead" and start an new life with your hubby and keep her away

Answer 6

Don't put your life on hold for a criminal.

Your husband is going to get sick of your attitude toward your mother real quick unless you learn to cut ties and be a grown up.

Your mom made her choices in life.

Now you can make your own.

What did your husband-to-be do to deserve to have HIS wedding canceled?

Answer 7

I say for right this second don't cancel anything. Wait until your mother gets a real court date or at least gets some information on how long she will be in jail for. If anything I say that the way it sounds she won't be out of jail anytime soon and I know it may hurt you to not have her there you should move on. You can't wait for her to pay for HER mistakes and put your whole life on hold. It's not fair to you or your soon to be hubby.I say if she isn't out by your wedding (which I'm 99.9% sure she won't be) I say don't cancel your wedding.Not to mention what would your rather .. A. the chance to marry the one person in the world you believe is meant for you and the chance to start your own life (which you may loose if you wait too long) or B. your mother being hurt (because of her OWN irresponsible actions) and her not being there. .... It is a hard choice... I know it would hurt not having your mom there but I think it would hurt more to cancel your wedding and put your life on hold for her. Good luck

P.S. Final thought.... if you intend on having kids some day do you want her to be this kind of influence on them? Maybe if she misses out on something THIS special she will learn a lesson she won't soon forget and change her ways.

Answer 8

Its your life. Your mother has made the choices that she has made, and because of that she must do her time, and unfortunately miss your wedding. For her to ask you to wait is very selfish, she should understand, and except that your date is planned and that needs to be respected. Having a wedding is one of the happiest times of your life, she should not ask you to change your plans. Also, it seems that the charges against her, will have her away for a while and you should not have to put your life and love on hold. Good bless, and good luck  :)  

Answer 9

Go on with the Wedding.Give the little Jail bird a file & see if she can make it!

Answer 10

You should get married as planned.  This wedding belongs to you and your future husband, not your mother.  Perhaps this is harsh, but you need to start a new life as husband and wife and not let your mom's problems interfere. She should have thought of the consequences of her actions prior to her arrests.  Move forward with your life and good luck.

Answer 11

I'm sorry about your troubles, but what if she's in prison for 10 years? And, what about your fiance? How does he feel? I think you should plan as if it's going to happen as planned, and see how it goes with her legally.

Answer 12

I agree with L N, explain to your mom that you feel horrible that she can not be there but that it is too late to cancel the wedding.  Tell her that you want to have a pre-wedding so that you can include her and so that she would definitely be there for at least one of the ceremonies regardless of the outcomes of the trials--Good Luck!

Answer 13

Do NOT cancel this wedding! Your mom made her choices and now the consequences have finally caught up with her. You shouldn't postpone YOUR happy day for her. It sucks that she's going to have to miss it but again, she's got to suffer the consequences. Do not make this all about your mom, this is YOUR life. Live it.

If anyone asks just say she was unable to make it due to difficult circumstances, they don't need to know any more it's none of their business.

Answer 14

look i understand that your mother wants to be at your wedding but you have to live your own life. see it would be something different to postpone the wedding if she were sick but she went to jail for pete's sake! who knows when she'll get out? not only that but when she does will he want you for putting his life on hold?  

Answer 15

Your mother has been in and out of your life...why would you risk putting the love of your life on hold.  Yes she is your mother, but she hasn't been there to support you.  You cannot just stop things and be the responsible one.  

Answer 16

You get married according to plan.

Although what has happened to your mother is very unfortunate, you cannot put your life, and the life of your future husband and his family, on hold because she was irresponsible.  You can't.  What about after you are married, when she gets into trouble again, perhaps you are ready to have a child and she begs you not to so she can be there -- would you really wait?  What if she were incarcerated for 10 - 15 years, would you still wait to get married, have a child, or simply live your life?

Yes, you love your mother -- but you have made a decision to marry the man you love and make a new life with him.  You are going to HAVE to imagine your life without her, because you will have a new life with your new husband, and your children.

Why should you also be punished for her mistakes?  Why should your fiancee be punished for her mistakes?  Why should you feel obligated to explain her absence to your guests when you get married?

Your mother made some mistakes -- her choice.  You are trying hard to be different from her, so keep on trying and make this wedding happen just as you originally planned.

Best wishes.

Answer 17

I would not cancel it.

Answer 18

Don't put your life on hold for a criminal.  Even if she does get off now, she will most likely re-offend again before your wedding!

She is only sorry she got caught!  She didn't have to commit larceny or skip out on an 8 year old warrant.  She should have taken care of that warrant a long, long time ago.

Also, why should you have to put everything on hold for your fiance?  

Answer 19

Go ahead with the wedding.  It's your special day. Your mom is an adult and will have to deal with what she has done. She made the choice to do something wrong and now has to face up to it and make it right and that's the adult thing to do. Like we tell our kids, we may not love something they did but we will still always love THEM.  Let your mom know that you still love her even though you don't like what she did and you will support her in any way you can but you are also an adult and your life is moving on.  As for telling people where she is, just let them know she is taking care of a problem and unfortunately can't be there but she sends her love and that is what means the most to you.  Congrats on the engagement.  Be happy and have a beautiful day.

Answer 20

get married as scheduled, then renew your vows when your mom is out of jail

Answer 21

Go ahead and get married and send her the DVD.  Do you live in the same town?  If so, people already know where she is, if not handle it anyway you are comfortable with.  

Answer 22

I would suggest that you go ahead with your plans.  You don't know how long she will be in for...and if you do wait, what is your guarantee that this won't happen again down the road?  

I totally understand that you would be hurt that your mother not attend the most important day of your life...but from the sounds of things it seems like you have taken very good care of yourself during all your other mild stones that she has missed out on already.  I am sure that most of the people  you are inviting already know your mother and her past actions and there won't be any need for reasons.  If someone would ask, just tell them that for personal reasons out of her control she could not attend and leave it at that!  This is your day and your fiances and  you both sat this date and have already put the money out. Just do it and be happy!

Answer 23

If you want your mom at your wedding then go to the justice of the peace and get married before she goes to jail, then still have your ceremony on May 30th.  You won't lose your deposits and she will be able to be there.    

Answer 24

Your mother hasn't really been there that much for you in the past anyway, has she? I wouldn't have expected much from her for the wedding. My mother is a crack-head alcoholic. She is lucky she hasn't gone to jail, but spends so much time with men who beat her up that the police feel sorry for her and let her off the hook. I haven't spoken to her in a few years.

We just had our wedding, and no one asked me where my mother was. It's not really anyone's business, and I think it would be terribly rude if someone approached you about it. That being said, you are not your mother, and you don't have to apologize for her or where you came from. If anyone does ask, say, "she couldn't make it."

There's no reason to cancel your wedding. Your mom has so many issues. Even if she makes it through this crisis (and it's doubtful she will without jail time), I'm sure something would come up for the next wedding date you set. She might even be in jail for a long time.

So go on with your life, and don't let her bog you down and cry on you about her mistakes. You need to move forward. You have enough of your own things to worry about. Film the wedding, and send it to her. Most places allow you to send DVD's in prison, but you may be able to get special permission if they normally don't, if she's in jail.

Answer 25

I know she is your mother but she is also a criminal.  I would be embarrassed to have her for my mother and I wouldn't want anything to do with her.  I would go ahead with your wedding.  What your mother did isn't your fault and you shouldn't have to suffer for it.  She made her bed and now she has to lie in it.  Don't let her make you feel guilty.  Don't cancel your wedding for her.  I would think that would upset your fiance.  Your best friend is right.  You don't have to make excuses for why your mother isn't their either.  Break her heart? Hasn't she broken your heart by what she has done? Isn't like she is terminally ill and you can't have the wedding with out her.  What she did she did to herself and she has no one to blame but herself.