Do i have a right to be really upset? HELP!!

Question

Last night my fiance told his parents that we were getting married and their response wasnt exactly was i was looking for. They had a huge fit and said that they didnt think that it was a good idea to get married..Let me give you alittle background to our relationship. We have been together 3 years and have a 1 1/2 year old daughter and we have been living together for over a year. They say that all we do is fight because the only time that my fiance goes over there is when we just need some time apart, like all couples need. And now his parents arent going to be supportive of our wedding because i dont get along with my future MIL. She is very mean and she expects everything that see says to be agreed with and im not like that. I believe everyone is entitled to their own opinion of everything and i am literally the only person that has ever stood up to her so she doesnt like me. Im just really upset because they are being supportive (and paying for the whole wedding) of my fiances half sister. She is 30 and is getting married for the second time to someone she literally just met. It makes me mad because while my fiances half sister is in jail for almost a year my MIL is planning her wedding and already bought her wedding dress but we didnt even get a congrats or anything!...uhh i just makes me so upset and hurt...do i have a right to be hurt?

Answer 1

Yes you do but remember the brides family pays for the wedding and you are not her daughter but she should still wish you luck and try to get along with you for the sake of her son and grandchild.It's her loss.

Answer 2

I don't get how your issues are related to what other people do.  If all you do is fight and your boyfriend runs to mommy's house to escape you, perhaps the woman has a valid point in not supporting your wedding.

Answer 3

I know how you feel.  My future in-laws are asian and we have been together for 6 years!  My fiances dad asked him if he really wanted to do it because white women like to divorce men and take their money!!  It will be a never ending battle throughout.  Think about whether or not this is something you want to spend the rest of your life dealing with.  My suggestion - move far far away! lol or try to make amends with his mom.  

Answer 4

Stay away from this woman!.  The least interaction you have with her, will make your married life that much better.

She does not seem to be mentally stable to do that do a newborn baby, why would you even want her in your lives!  Forget about congrats, financial aid, everything.  

Plan and pay for your own wedding, and then move as far away as possible!

Answer 5

Yes, you are entitled to your feelings.  It's notoriously hard to get along with ones MIL, I think the best thing to do with her type is to listen politely, nod in agreement and smile and then carry on doing whatever it was that you were doing.  It's difficult to judge what's going on and why but if you have a child together and if you are living together, I think marriage is a great idea, personally.  So long as his running off to Mom and Dad isn't all the time and as long as you two work things out, yes, we all disagree from time to time... otherwise life would be boring, now wouldn't it?

Answer 6

yes you have a right to be upset and you future in-laws shoudnt treat you like that. i would sit and talk to your fiance about how you feel and ask him to try to not go there during fights but to go and see them more when you are not fighting. you should also try not to argue with his mom as much, i know its hard but be the bigger person and dont say anything until its something that you feel you have to. but yes they should have said congratulations  

Answer 7

You have a right to be hurt but you better let it go cause it's not going to change and you can't change it. You will be wasting time and energy if you do think you can change it. You being hurt is not going to make her do anything different. Besides weddings are paid for by the brides parents so there's nothing wrong for her doing that.Anyway let it go. The more you can do that the better things will be. Trust me.

Answer 8

yes! she should be supportive no matter what! it something you both want and if she cant accept that than she can just go home!

Answer 9

Of course you do! i mean if it were me i would be furious..But u have to realize that most people have trouble with their mother in laws and thats ok but what i would do is go on with it bcuz u told them and that was the point...yes you r suppose to tell but no one ever said the reactions would always be good....but i think ur gonna have a great time and don let that get in your way

Answer 10

Yes, you have a right to your feelings and I understand you being upset- I would be too.

The jailed half sister (lol.. what a winner she must be!)…h**l, if that was my kid I’d probably be doing everything possible to get her out of my hair and with someone else (maybe that’s whats behind the MIL generosity-lol)  

1st off…You need to tell your fiancé not to go running home to mom and dad each time you have an argument. That pulls mom/dad into the drama and all they will hear during these times are negative things about you. This is going to effect how they see you.

- Tell him to sleep on the sofa or at a friends.. but not to run to mom/dad.

Now comes that annoying “being better then them” discussion.  

I’m guessing you are wanting to be with this man for a long time? You love him and you want the best for your daughter (including her occasionally experiencing grandparents)?

You don’t have to agree with your MIL, but chose your battles wisely. Try to find things you CAN agree upon, change the subject to something positive ("look at the new pictures I have of your grand-daugter" - that type of thing).   As you know, sometimes biting your tongue for the greater good, (peace and doing your part to make your fiancé and childs life a little happier) is the best way to go.  

That way  you will know you are the better person by making the effort to get along.

You can’t make her into something she isn’t (a nice person).  MAYBE, If she sees you acting differently, (and if your fiancé stops running home and starts telling them positive things about you)-- she may view you differently and treat you differently…

In time.

(hey.. maybe half-sis would like a wedding cake with a file inside -- to remind her of her cell mates?-lol)

Good luck

Answer 11

h**l yes you have a right to be upset and hurt! Pissed off even! But, let it go. You two have a 1.5 year old to worry about someone not being  supportive even if it is your future MIL. Talk about this with your future husband and see what the problem is. Everyone argues, everyone has disagreements, and everything can be solved. Good luck!

Answer 12

Yes, but you have to be the bigger person in let it go. If you are going to get married this woman is going to be a part of your life and if you want to be accepted then you have to first be accepting.

Answer 13

You have a right to be hurt, but you shouldn't get mad. That is what she wants. Also if you are constantly nice to her dispite her crazy behavior it will reveal to others and your fiancee that his mother behavior isn't correct. This will also help with your relationship. Because from experience relationship where one of the partners parents doesn't get along with the other person in the realtionship are either extremely difficult or usually end up not working out. Before you get married you need to talk to your fiancee about this. No ultimatums don't make him choose it's not fair. You guys need to have a plan about how to react to this situations concerning his family in the future. Because these types of highl emotional situations can reck havoc on any relationship and talking about it before hand can help bring the tension and emotions done a bit the next time. A far as the daughter goes it she yelled inyour daughters face don't let her around your child. Children can't understand what's going on and they tend to become stressed and take it out on themselves in situations like this. Unless she is willing to go to counseling she shouldn't be around the child. But it seems like she doesn't want to any way so stay out of her way, if need be because it may cost you your realtionship. What I mean by stay out of her way is don't be around her unless it is absolutely necessary don't force her to see your child and most importantly when you are together don't say anything because her attitude goes a lot deeper than just wanting to get her way. SHE IS DANGEROUS SWEET HEART... that comes from experience.....

Answer 14

You need to come down off your envy party and think about the reason you think that they are not supportive of you and their son.  Its because you fight all the time and reading your tirade I can understand why all the fights are happening.  You need to re-evaluate your situation and concede that sometimes this lady could be right.  Above all stop with the me me me mess.

Answer 15

yes! you  have every right to be hurt. no being supportive of someone's spouse is one thing, but to put a baby in harms way is another thing. you FMIL kidna reminds me of my fmil as well. no one ever stands up to her and when I do (apparently I have a set bigger than my FH, his Bro & Dad) she just makes this face then gossips to all her stupid friends as soon as I'm out the door.

continue with your wedding plans regardless, when his half sister lands herself in jail again, maybe fmil will get the clue that your the better catch!

Answer 16

Dear one – you’re not going to like my answer – but read it anyway.

In a word, no. You don’t have the right to be upset. Look at how you acted towards them these past 3 years? Have you tried to win their hearts? No. Your post indicates that you have locked horns with them on numerous occasions. So naturally they are not exactly excited at the prospect of you as their son’s wife. What did you expect?

Additionally, as you said, the only time your fiancé visits his parents is when you two are fighting – so he has probably not painted you as the most charming of people. Again, what do you expect?

This is one of life’s hard lessons. Life isn’t going to always go your way.

As for supporting his half-sister’s marriage? This is another of life’s hard lessons: How they spend their money is their business and you have no right to an opinion one way or the other. Period.

Answer 17

that is F*CKED up, h**l no i would whip somebodys *** for that

Answer 18

Let it go.....you can't squeeze water out of a rock and that is what you're expecting to happen as far as your MIL contributing to your wedding......so don't expect anything.

just curious...what is the half sister in jail for...sounds like quite a catch, too *wink*

traditionally the bride's parents pay for her wedding...they do not pay for their son's wedding...you are not her daughter therefore in her eyes your parents should pay for your wedding.....

Do not plan your life around the approval of others...if your adult enough to have a baby you are adult enough to make your own life choices without needing an okay from another.

Plan a small initmate wedding...one you can afford even if it's a JP or town hall ceremony & an afternoon cake & punch reception for about two hours......you can always have a fancy wedding anniversary party later when you can afford it...with a vow renewal. Invite the MIL & FIL..if they come, they come.....those who will come are the ones that support you......and consider the kind of person the half-sister is, the fact she has their support goes to the kind of people they really are, and their not being in you child's life all that much is probably a godsend 'adopt ' a supportive older relative as grandparent figure...your child will be better off.......good luck.

Answer 19

Remember that you don't just marry the man..  You marry his whole family, as well.  This one sounds like some difficult times ahead for you.  You will need to calm down and accept some things.  

My MIL and I never did get along, really.  She didn't think I was the right person for her precious son.  However, he let her know that I was part of the package,  If she wanted him to come home, she needed to accept me there as well.  We had an uneasy truce for the rest of her life.

Answer 20

Well you can't help what you feel. I would be upset and hurt too. You have every right to get married and I think that is the best idea ever. You guys are going to have a great marriage, and everything will work out I am behind you all the way in this one. She is in the wrong. You guys are giving you baby a whole normal great family. You will make a good wife!

Answer 21

i'm going to tell you what i wish someone had told me.  i have a MIL that i do not get along with.  she is manipulative and fake, but no one in her family will stand up to her.  so, we really do not get along.  any relationship we have is fake, and it is so frustrating.  everyone tells me she isn't going to change, and i have to accept her how she is.  but when she is interfering with my family, i can't sit back and take it.  so in turn, my husband gets upset, and refuses to stand up for me.

if your fiance is not willing to stand up to this woman for you and support you and how you feel, then RUN.  i know you have a baby with him, and i'm sure you love him, but i don't know if it's worth the misery that you will go through having this toxic woman in your life.  she needs an ultimatum from her son - start being respectful of him and his family or don't expect to see you guys.  she will slowly start to tear the two of you apart otherwise.  

good luck, i know how frustrating your situation must be.

Answer 22

Yes you do have a right to be hurt.  If you haven't discussed this with your fiance, you should and have him stand up to his family.  

If they still won't accept you, then don't worry about it.  You still have a right to be hurt but don't let them get to you.  

Congratulations on your engagement and I hope this will all work out in the end for everyone.

Answer 23

*breath, stretch, shake, let it go* Ok, now that that's done lets get to the nitty gritty.

You have every right to be upset, its only human, but you have to remember that she's human too, and his mom not yours. I hate double standards but what you're experiencing is pretty darn common. A parent will be oh so thrilled to have their little girl wed (no matter how many times she does it or who its to) and oh so pissed to see some "gold digging tart who isn't good enough" (Not saying that you are) marry their "very successful, full of potential, one of a kind" son (not saying that he is but seriously he could only have a paper cup and a sign and they'd feel the same way).

So where does that leave you? Still a tart in her eyes. Still want to marry him? Then realize that this is the woman you're marrying too and marriage isn't some magical thing that will change her (you'd think a baby would but no). You can walk away and always say with a sigh of relief "I'm so glad that woman isn't my MIL" or you could get married, let go of your expectations of her and realize the things you can do to minimize the negative affects she'll have on your family and marriage.

Don't worry if she doesn't spend "enough" time with your child. Simple way to deal with it is to not try and force her to spend time with her. Don't ask her to do things that you'd expect a "normal" MIL to do like babysit and such, that's what you have friends and family for.

Try and come to some sort of agreement where your hubby aka her son doesnt' run to her whenever you two have a fight or disagreement. She shouldn't be to involved in your relationship and he should never speak negativly of you to her. If he needs to get out, he should go to a friends house or a movie or pick up some kind of hobby like bowling or golf, and try to only visit her when you two are on good terms.

Think she's mean to you? DON'T ask for her opinion on anything, even if she is an expert. Petty yes but pretty d**n effective. If she gives an unsolicited opinion, just say "oh" and change the subject.

Answer 24

There are many things going on that are dysfunctional in this family.  Something is happening for one son (your fiancee) to have a baby out of wedlock, another son is taking drugs, the daughter is in jail, and the Mom is a screaming opinionated witch.  What about your FIL?  Is he at all normal?  This family would be very hard to deal with.

I can speak to part of this because it happened in my family.  They are excited about the daughter getting married because it is a happy thing that is finally happening in her life.  If she made choices poor enough to land her in jail, that means her parents were stressed, sad and heartbroken for quite some time.  Now that she has said she is getting married, they are hopeful for her future and it finally feels to them like things might be ok with their daughter (even though it sounds shaky, at best.)  That part of the equation is them trying to find some happiness with their own daughter, and has less to do with you, your baby, and your upcoming wedding.      

One other piece that is significant, is that your fiancee goes to his Mom and Dad's house when you guys need some space apart.  That is a little immature.  The first thing to do is to work it out, and not have to leave the house.  If he does want to leave and think things over, he has other choices than going to his folks.  How about just going for a drive in the car, go to a movie, or spend some time with his buddies.  If his Mom doesn't like you anyway, and then he goes over and tells her about the fights, that is a major problem.  

I would live my life without planning on ANYTHING from MIL.  No wedding money, no cutesy Grandma visits, nothing.  She must be hard to deal with for her kids to have the problems they do.  I'm sure if you are the only one who has stood up to her, she is not happy with you.  The less you can involve her, the better.  

Answer 25

If he's the man you are going to marry and be with forever, then you need to get off of your pity horse and start changing the situation.  Be an adult and talk to your future in-laws and clear the air.  If you think its like this now and all you have done is talk about getting married, imagine how it'll be once you are married and have more children.

You've done the woe is me, I feel sorry for myself, everyone else feel sorry for me thing...now its time to shake it off and come up with a solution.