Do i just say forget it and go on?

Question

I have been battling this situation for almost 15 months ( since my son was born).

I am angry,hurt and really confused..

Growing up i didn't have the best relationship with my mother.She was married 6 times by the time i was 17.There was alot of abuse in my house as a child and early teen.Sexual,Physical,and Verbal.

I had moved out when i was 16 (almost 15 years ago), moved 50 miles away with my then and now boyfriend. I struggled with alot of things emotionally and mentally for years.. I worked hard i got my GED and went to college. I still kept in contact with my mother.I would make the effort to call her or go see her on mother's day or birthdays ( after all she is still my mom).

The thing is I am now 30 with my first child Lennon who will be 15 months.My mother actaully moved 4 miles down the road from me. I thought at first this would be a chance for us to start over as mother and daughter and actaully develop a relationship that we never had and i was excited my son would have his grandmother close by..Instead it seems like she lives 100 miles away..She never comes over,never calls,and every time i call her to see if i can come over and visit with the baby she cuts me off by saying her house is too messy for the baby or she is too tired.I have even offered to go over and clean for her.. I invite her over so many times and she always declines.. I am over it i am so tired of trying to make an effort and i feel i am only doing so for my son.. My boyfriends parents are both gone and I wanted my son to have at least one grandparent in his life..I don't really know what to do..Should i just say forget it..I just don't know what i did wrong for her not to care..I sometimes wish she would move that way i could just tell myself the reasons things are like they are is because we live too far away...I know there are alot of issues still standing that i need to confront or maybe things are better left alone..I can't force her to be a part of our lives but it would be nice to have the question why answered...

Answer 1

Move on

My Mom died when my daughter was 2 and 1/2.

Mt daughter's father is not in her life. I have my father and a stepmother who is not the nicest person in the world.

So my daughter only has my Dad. I feel your pain BUT your child does not need to see your tense relationship with your mom.

You are better off...

Answer 2

I agree with the first post.  Why do you want your child exposed to your mother, when your life with her growing up was so horrible?  Do you think she changed? - obviously not.  I know you want your child to have a grandparent, but I don't think it will happen.  Your son will not know or care and one day if he asks just tell him why.  It's not the end of the world that there are no grandparents in his life.

Stop contacting her period.  One day, if she asks why you haven't called, tell her why.  Let her make the next move.  

Answer 3

i too have lots of problems with my mother but a little opposite than your story. shes a drunken crackhead (yes seriously) but wants to be apart of my childs life and i wont allow it. my son only has one grandparent that he is around. it is hard. BUT there seriously isnt a thing you can do. im sorry your mom is the way she is but you cant change her. life isnt always fair ive came to realize and our hopes arent always enough...sadly love isnt always enough. just let her go...maybe when she realizes she is missing out or hasnt heard from you then she will start to worry or wonder and change her ways. as of now she assumes you will always be there to hassel her and shes is comfortable with that. let her feel a little uneasy (if possible) for once. let her go. if she is that bad then your child really isnt missing out on much. (sorry) just hopefully she will realize before its too late. if she does not than its a big loss for her and she will understand that someday im sure. once your child gets older and he doesnt know of her and she tries to walk back into your lives he will want nothing to do with her and then she will understand why it was so important. she is a grown woman and should know these things already. she obviously does not care as much as you do or this would not be a problem. sorry hun but its time to move on.

Answer 4

She doesn't want to visit because you named your baby Lennon.

Answer 5

Your mom is having a battle of conscience.. She KNOWS that she was not a good mom, and if she HAS a relationship with you, she KNOWS the topic will come up and she is NOT ready to face it yet.

Try just calling her a couple times a week to "just say HI".  Let her find the way to deal with her demons and do NOT let her inability to do so WRECK YOUR progress and life.  Just except that people hurt us but it is a choice to NOT behave like a victim.  

Answer 6

I would honestly just let time heal it's self. Your mom could be feeling guilty watching you grow up and being such of the great mother that you are to your son and wishes she could have done the same for you. Don't ever give up on your parents, our parents are always going to be our parents no matter what. We all make mistakes some worst then others but we live and learn. We have to forgive we may not forget though but it sure will help us sleep at night . Remember if it wern't for your mother you wouldn't have had the family that you have. Try to give her some space and before you know it she will come around. Good day to you.

Answer 7

  Leonns mom

My suggestion is not to push. Instead take your child to civic centers and playgrounds. His friends parents may become your friends. I don't think your young son should see and feel the rejection of your mom at such a young age. Give him positive experinces in his young years or he may have the same feelings you have when he gets older.  WWJD

Answer 8

I really feel for you as I can fully understand the reasons you are trying and how it is important for you that your son has a grandparent however this situation does seem very complicated.

It really does not sound like she is making any effort and I struggle to understand why she moved into that area, knowing full well that you and your son would be so close by to only make you feel like this!

The only 'reason' for her behaviour that I can think of is that she has some major guilt for the abuse you suffered as a child under her care and that although she may want to build a relationship with you both this is preventing her from being able to do so.

Perhaps you could write her a letter expressing all your thoughts and feelings on the issue and suggesting at the end that you and her may want to visit a councellor/therapist together to talk out some of the issues which are preventing you from developing a relationsip.

If she chooses not to accept or even entertain this idea I do not see that there is really much else that you can do. You have tried hard enough - it is time for her to start opening up or making an effort or else moving on seems to be the only other option. Good Luck xoxo

- Huh, that must make this even harder for you to understand/comprehend then. If you don't mind my asking did your older sister suffer any of the same abuse as you did?

Also is there any reason you can think of that your mother would be treating her differently - like is your sister a single mother and maybe your mum can identify with her bf/husband leaving her?

Another thought is that perhaps your mother is actually jealous of the fact that after 15+ years your boyfriend is still with you considering she was married/divorced so many times?

Answer 9

"She doesn't want to visit because you named your baby Lennon."

....Okay, that one tops the cake.  I've heard it all from Ms. Perfect now.  

BTW, I love that name.  

You must be very hurt by all of this, I'm so sorry.  I know there are two sides to every story but it really sounds like you are the one making the effort and in the right.  You can only do so much.  I wouldn't say forget it yet but I wouldn't put forth the effort anymore either, at least not for now.  Is she using drugs or abusing alcohol?  Depression, maybe?  Whatever her reason, there really isn't much you can do except be strong and continue to do what is best for your son.  I would take a break for a while though.  I hope she will grow up and come around, for both of your sake but especially your son.  Good luck.

Answer 10

The question is if living with your mother was bad enough that you would move out while legally a minor why on earth would you want your child exposed to her.

The truth is some people are just plain bad human beings and a child being spared a person like that is worth the price of the child not knowing his grandma.

Answer 11

It made me very sad to read this, especially when you wonder what you did wrong. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were a kid who was subjected to an abusive hoem life and luckily - you got out. I understand wanting to have that connection with your mom, especially now that you are a mom. My advice would be to keep your son as far away as possible from your mom. You escaped all of that - don't drag him into it. You may want to check into talking to a therapist too. I know that can be expensive but if you have the resources, it can be helpful.  

Answer 12

I'll start by telling you that you HAVE done tha right things, while attempting 2 include her in your son's life. Great job. I feel though, that you should, in fact keep in touch with her, call, have her speak to your son 4 a few minutes a week, and maybe send some pics over, but i do not suggest that you continue 2 stress your self, bending over backwards, keep her at arms length, it sounds like it taking a toll on you emotionally, which is a no-no. Try, but not so frequently, just leave that opportunity there 4 her, and as long as your son knows who she is, and how 2 identify her in public, don't push it. Just continue 2 be a mommy 2 your lil boy, and leave tha door open 4 your mom in tha meantime! unfortunatley, that question may always go unanswered. Or you can ask her, heart 2 heart, and see if she'll answer...