Do i need to get over it or is this normal???

Question

My partner cheated on me five years ago on and off for over a year with a so called friend of ours, we split and he moved in with her for three months and we eventually got back together and have worked thigns out, been to therapy, had a baby and have been very very settled and happy....now five years later she messages him on facebook asking how he is and telling him how beautiful his daughter is and asking how we are, and asking if they could be friends, it has brought back so many emotions that i thought i had dealt with and it feels like it happened yesterday......i have NEVER experienced emotional pain like i did during that year and i never want to again so am i being unreasonable telling him i dont want him to speak to her???????

I honestly dont think he would go there again but you never know....i know he loves me and our daughter but i just dont want to put that sort of doubt in our realtionship again after working so hard to get it all back in track.....

Answer 1

I wrote this massive rant for you, but deleted it, because I can't even take my own advice. So how can I expect you too?

Your not unreasonable at all. I put my Andrew on notice about his ex girlfriend. It's been 10 years since they broke up, and she still tries to involve herself in our life.

I know Andrew wouldn't go there, but straight up it does and will forever play on my mind. But I have to put that fear aside, otherwise it will effect our relationship.

I suggest you block her on whatever you have her on, and make Ben do the same. Ignoring her and avoiding her is probably the best way.

From the sounds of it, Ben doesn't want to risk losing you & Charleigh. He knows he has made mistakes, but he said to you, he doesn't want to talk to her.

*she* hurt you both, and she would have to know it would still effect you both. She is just a trouble maker, so don't worry.

Ben loves you, and Charleigh, he wouldn't have went threw all the counselling and everything for him to not to love you. You just need to put some trust in that - Easier said than done.

Answer 2

You did the right thing hun! What gives her the right to want to appear into your life again wafter what she and your partner did. Id be making sure he doesn't message her back!

Answer 3

its normal

Answer 4

You two obviously did a lot to work through the infidelity. I commend you on your patience, forgiveness, and trust. I probably wouldn't have been able to handle that. You are NOT unreasonable for asking them to not communicate. I think it is necessary for your relationship that they have NO ties what so ever. Good luck!!!!

Answer 5

You have done the right thing and so has your husband. Just think back to before she made contact, you had regained your relationship and you can do that again. It is normal to feel apprehensive but you will get your life back. You did it once you can do it again..

Answer 6

I think you did the right thing, sending her the message. And your partner seems sincere when he told you right away and says that he wants nothing to do with her.

Answer 7

the past should be in the past, he should not message her

Answer 8

If he really is sorry for what he did to you then he will respect your feelings and refuse to have any thing to do with the other woman.  Your feelings are very normal - and you should not be made to feel bad for them.  

He has proved to be untrustworthy in the past - your fears are not unfounded.  Even if they are - and he would never cheat again - why take that chance?  After all, you can't give in to a temptaion that doesn't exist!

Answer 9

I think you have every right to feel that way!  I'd be super pissed!  Your husband has to be the one that says no to her though.  She'll just think you're jealous and that just may give her more of a motivation to go after your husband.  If you find out that more has been going on like conversations, meetings, etc, give him an ultimatum, you and your family or her.  

Your trust has been shaken and now it's shaking again.  Tell him that he needs to send her the message loud and clear, and if he doesn't then you know your answer.

Answer 10

I think you have done a brilliant job of "getting over" a lot already! It is good to see he is being honest about her contacting him - now he needs to take action on that - it is very easy to delete and block contacts on facebook, email, etc. That's what he needs to do (not to mention he should not have accepted her invitation to add her anyway..) she does NOT need a message to explain not wanting to speak to her. He simply needs to NOT communicate with her, at all.

It is very difficult to work through these things and you are so brave to do so! I am glad to know other people make it work after an affair and I'm not just stupid for giving my husband another chance! If it makes you feel any better..at least you CAN block her out of your life :) My hubby cheated with the (also married) next door neighbour (if you can believe it - while I - and SHE - were both pregnant!) Moving is not an option for any of us at this point, so I, and her husband, have to deal with them living next door to each other. We all used to be very good friends, and now are learning to get along to a certain extent, as it will be virtually impossible to live next door for years and not talk to each other, especially because of the children! It's tough but has to be done..they are both slowly earning back trust..

So, take it as a good sign that he's being honest - insist that he simply cut all lines of communication, remember that this woman does NOT deserve any explanation - and trust your own instinct! If you believe he wouldn't do it again, then he needs to be the one showing you it's true! You are not being unreasonable to expect your husband to show you the respect you deserve and prove he is trustworthy by being open and honest about EVERYthing! :) Good luck

Answer 11

HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE ONE TO TELL HER, NOT TO WRITE TO HIM, NOT YOU........ HE HAS TO DO THIS,  HE HAS TO TELL THIS OTHER WOMAN,  HE HAS TO DO IT HIMSELF,  SINCE NOW, YOU WROTE IT, SHE'LL ASSUME,  YOUR SPEAKING FOR HIM, BU THE NEEDS TO MAN UP & WRITE HER, HIMSELF.........  & AN EASY WAY, JUST TO BLOCK HER ADDRESS..........  IT'S EASY, SIMPLE & DONE.........

Answer 12

ya you guys did the right thing, he doesnt need to be friends with someone he cheated on you with, and if he realizes that was a hug mistake and never will again he doeent need anything to make it look like he wants to stray else where,, hope you guys keep it worked out best of luck

Answer 13

Very normal reaction......I would feel the same... She in no way should contact him.She is the one who betrayed your trust. therefore ruining the friendship with both of you....Does she think she is all thatt to think you or he would still want to be friends with her......Sounds to me like she wants back in.....but hubby made up his mind he is where he belongs..home...good luck.

Answer 14

You are not be unreasonable.

They should not be in contact. If she was just an ex fine but she is obviously someone who doesnt care if a guy is single or off the market.

He shouldnt want nothing to do with her. Does he?

Lay down the law.

Answer 15

You have every right to be upset. Sounds like you did the right thing in contacting her directly.

It lets her know that he's not hiding things from you (good for him) and if he is letting you know, then hopefully she'll take the hint and move on.

Answer 16

Well its normal but stick with him even if its just for your daughter if he loves you ( as you've said ) things will be fine

Answer 17

you shouldnt have to tell  her to get  lost, HE should have done it when she first messaged him.

good for him then, my guess would be that you have nothing to worry about if thats the case, but sure its normal to be upset about it. :0)

Answer 18

It's normal! I would tell him he couldn't talk to her either. Tell him if he loves you then he will respect your feelings and you are NOT okay with them being friends again!

Answer 19

You have every right to tell her not to contact him or you. You guys have moved on with your life together and since she has caused past drama she needs to remain distant from him out of respect for you and him and your relationship and if she can't do that on her own then you or him need to do it for her and make it clear that she is not to contact him. I'm sorry that you had to experience that because I know its a horrible feeling and I wish you all the happiness in the world to come. Good Luck.

Answer 20

I don't think you're being unreasonable.  HE needs to tell her to back off and that they cannot have a friendship.  He also needs to delete her on facebook.  He had to add her to his list for her to view his pics and send messages.  I'm sure things will work out and he sounds committed, but there should be absolutely no contact between him and the woman he had an affair with.  That's just common sense and any kind of contact will bring strain and doubt into your relationship.  Best of luck.