Do i tell my 16 year old son the truth about his father ?/?

Question

my sons father has recently made contact with my son after 13 years of absence, no cards for christmas or birthdays, no contact, except at my sons grandmothers when he turned up with his new partner and new baby. for 4 years i had a violent relationship with this man, he constantly told me he would kick my son from my stomach when i was pregnant, he drove me in a car whilst pregnant drunk out of his skull telling me he would kill me and my unborn kid....his own son. he has done this also with a child from his first relationship..got in touch after 16 years, when he has no legal obligation... my son is all for his '' dad ''' i told him he could speak to him on the phone, and that the choice was my sons. he hasnt a clue what happened with his father...who was nothing more than a sperm donor...do i stop this contact now, or just tell him the whole truth..im so resentful my ex mother in law wanted to sort this to be happy families. this man has 4 kids he doesnt see, and has no 4 wife

Answer 1

I have been where you are, and I want to tell you to be very very careful, at the moment your son thinks his father is the best thing since sliced bread, and if you try and tell him all the bad stuff you could push your son further into his father's arms.  I would tell him to be very cautious about his father, that he is not always the man you would want for him to be.  Never allow your son to be with this man if he has been drinking.

I would allow the contact now, while you can supervise what happens, if you delay it now he may wait and go behind your back when he is older, and you will have no idea whats happening or how hurt your son might be.

I would make sure that your son sees this man when there is another adult present whether thats you or someone you trust.

Answer 2

you should tell your son the truth about his dad, so that he sees you are not selfish in your reasons for being unhappy about them meeting. you should make it clear that you suipport his decision if he still decides to go ahead and see his Dad, afterall it is not his fault his father was such a prat!!

Answer 3

wow, i think you should tell your son what happened, and say, but this was a longtime ago and i dont mind if you want to speak to him or not,

Hope i helped.

Answer 4

I would sit him down and tell him all the abuse and hatred you suffered from his so called father.

Your son will either a) believe you and support you, b) not believe you and turn against you or c) not know what to do

You need to tell him the truth either way, he will figure it out eventually

Answer 5

Absolutely, your son deserves to know the truth, even if it hurts.

Better he find out from you than someone else later along the road..

Answer 6

I wouldn't go into details, but I would tell him that it was a violent relationship and you want him to know the truth....and eventually the father's true colors will show themselves, people like that don't just change....

Answer 7

Yes, your son deserves to know the truth and his father, and he deserves the chance to make up his own mind about his father.

Answer 8

Just tell your child your partner is his father. And when they older explain to them the situation. Dont tell them everything now they only young, you'll mess up their minds and they could do badly in Academic studies and in life general. Do you really want that?

Answer 9

I would definitely tell your son but no just yet.  Has this man changed at all?  Is he trying to make a fresh start?

Your son is going to think he's awful either way - he hasn't been around for 16 years!  I don't think your son would be angry with you - your his mum and you are letting him see his father!  You haven't stopped contact all these years, it was his own dad who stayed away.  All you've done is love him and look after him.

You can tell your son that he wasn't a very good man but maybe now he has changed.  Also tell him not to hold his hopes too high, in case he turns out to be a real disappointment. You'll know the right time to tell him everything.

X

Answer 10

yes tell him everything but tell him that not all dads are like that,,people who grow up without a father seem to think that all dads are just as bad as theirs ..

Answer 11

my instinct would be to protect my child. i came outof a violent relationship when i met my current partner. when my ex found out me and my newpartner were having a baby he got it into his head it was his, impossible as the dates dont work, and he tried to kill me. if it had been his child, i would never have let him near him again. luckily it wasnt.

i can understand people who say every child should know their father, but in a situation where the father is a monster and mentally unstable, in my eyes, its better they dont know.

in your situation, your son already knows, so tell him the truth. all of it. he may be in denial for a time, but its better if he is going to get to know this man that he knows what he is capable of and just why you left.

Answer 12

ive not been in your situation but Id tell your son what happened with him. say not to scare him or put him off his dad but just so he knows the truth about what happenned in the past, and also if he is still like that it may give your son the courage to say something to him or tell him he doesnt want any more contact with him, as the last thing you want is for your son to think its ok to act like that towards women and start to act like it  id supervise contact if they meet up he has no legal right over your son, id not gove your son any of his info, leave it to your ex to get in contact with your son. you dont want your son making the effort when it should be ur ex, plus then if he doesnt make any effort your son isnt left feeling an idiot for running round after his `dad`.

Answer 13

Yes, tell him. He is old enough to know.

Answer 14

I really pity the situation you are in but the fact remains that your dear son has a right to know the truth now that he is 16 years old.

He has to be told each and every thing about his father.It will be tough for him but that is the best way.

What is important to understand that at the moment your son is ALL for his Dad.LET the young man know the truth fast

Answer 15

Yes,I think you should tell your son the whole story. He is old enough to understand.Also he has the right to know,and probably it will makes it more easier to decide if he wants to stay in touch with his father.

This man has no right to be called a father anyway...

I believe you have nothing to worry about,your son will go the right direction.

Answer 16

Tell your son right away!!!

Answer 17

It's better to tell him the truth and let him sort it out.  Get it off your chest.  He's old enough to know and to start making his own decisions....and live with them

Answer 18

Tell your son and risk losing his respect.

Don't say anything to your son and his Father's true colors will show, causing him to lose respect for his Father.

Your choice.

Answer 19

i think you should definitely tell him, he's 16 and deserve to be treated like a young person and it would be choice after that. By not telling him, I think he would misunderstand and eventually resent you for being a bitter ex who cuts contacts with his father because u guys split up ( and of course, you are not that at all in reality)

Tell him how u feel and that you're worried his father may hurt his feelings? good luck

Answer 20

If your son wants to meet his "dad" then he needs to know what his "dad" did to him and what he put his mother through.

Answer 21

I recomend you tell him sombody else is his father.  But that guy thinks he is.  You told him that so he wouldn't be mad.

Answer 22

I find that honesty is the best policy. Make sure that your son knows that you will support your son even if he does decided to make contact his dad, but that it was only fair that he knew the truth. Make sure you explain it calmly without trying to bias him either way.

If your son has any common sense, he will keep this man at a distance. However, all children deserve the right to know their parents.

Answer 23

Tell your son in a matter of fact way about his father, tell him as unemotionally as you can about the abuse and that his father wanted to hurt him before birth.  Tell him that now that he is 16 his dad has made contact because he has no legal financial ties from aged 16.  Then let your son decide to make contact, or not.  I reckon he will choose to contact his dad out of curiosity, but do not fear, he will soon be disappointed and you will not lose him, nor have this man in your life for long.  He is hardly going to win Dad of the Year, or have had a massive personality change over the last 16 years, so your son will see through him soon enough (after no doubt experiencing many disappointments in this new father son relationship).  So don't worry, but it is important to be unemotional or your son will think that you are trying to prejudice him your way.

Answer 24

Yes.

Answer 25

Tell him all about his father. Give him the freedom to choose to be in contact with him or not. But I think you should never be away from them when they talk. And about the man, give him a chance, he probably have changed, otherwise why would he be trying to contact him again (and perhaps his other children).

Answer 26

explain to your son everything that has gone on in your past so he can understand why you two didnt stay together , it might be wise also to explain that he doesn't see his other kids probably for similar reasons but he must be able to make his own choice or he may start to resent you for it . As for the mother in law, it usually isnt their fault that their son has turned out the way he has so if your son wants to allow him to visit them. Your resentment is with your ex not his parents

Answer 27

let him see his dad. let him get to know him. and only answer the questions he asks about him. tell no more, no less. your relationship with your son is in no danger. he has a right to know his children.

Answer 28

Tell him the truth...he´s old enough and he´ll be capable to understand and make his own choice after.He´ll appreciate the truth anyway,it´s always better to tell it as a start,because otherwise he´ll find out anyway.Better from you...

Answer 29

I think you should tell your son everything about what has happened including the bad things his father did. How can your son make up his mind if he wants to maintain contact with his father, if he doesn't know all the facts. Why should you protect his father, from what you say, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Needs careful handling as it could come as a bit of a shock to your son.

Answer 30

Yes, tell your son and then let him make his own mind up about whether he wants contact or not - after all he is 16 so technically the father could make direct contact with him and you don't want the father to let it slip that you didn't say anything.

Answer 31

I do understand you feelings. This is your sons father he has a right to know and make that decision himself. (No matter how painful for you. You set the scene yourself like I did, and it is no longer in your hands) You are not alone in having the past always tailing you and it is painful. I wouldn't tell him of your experiences either as it is his dad and at that age his esteem is caught up in 'his dad' When you criticize the father you criticize the child. I wish someone had told me this  <3