Do many birth mothers allow guilt to affect them for many years?

Question

I gave up a child when I was 15 years old. During my 20's the pain and regret was almost unbearable. I was never happy and cried over the loss of her every single day. I was so incredibly sad and depressed. During my 30's I finally had another child and the pain lessened and I was able to be happy most days. I am now in my 40's and I still feel some sadness, but not as much, and I am happy almost all the time. I am now able to think about that child and hope she is happy and enjoying her life. Did I really drag out my own torture or did anyone else go thru something like this?

Answer 1

i guess the ones who actually had a hard time giving up the child, yes definitely.

Answer 2

It's only normal to feel that way.

Your human.

Answer 3

I'm going through the same thing.  My daughter recently turned 5...I've struggled with severe depression since my relinquishment,  I find it hard to be happy and lead a normal life sometimes.  

You are not the only one :)

Answer 4

Virtually every other first mom that I knew went through the same thing as you.  Having other children helped lessen the pain.  None of the other women (nor I) had open adoptions. You'd have to ask those in that group if it made any difference.  Now, all of these women wanted their children.

Sadly, I have to add that finding my son didn't really do much to end the pain.

Answer 5

It's all right to feel that way, just know that you gave her up for a reason and wherever she is, she is almost definitley very happy

Answer 6

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hear this time and time again, I bet there are alot of birth mothers like you and that is why I feel open adoption is the best. It should be law. This stops all the lies and secrets. But there are some birth mother's like my son's ex girlfriend that wants nothing to do with the little bundle of joy she gave to her new boyfriends family without informing my son that the child was his. My son asked her just to be a little part of the childs life since they have a older daughter together and she said no. He is still fighting for his son's return but just how can a mother walk away with no feeling. What get's me through is what goes around comes around.   At your age I know it must have been hard and I bet your child would understand to try to find your child and put this to bed.

Answer 7

I don't think I allowed it so much as it crept up on me.Through high school I was alright.I married when I turned 18 and had a daughter like you the pain in me eased a little.But when I was 25 I had a baby boy this time something in me clicked and I started seeing his first smile,laugh,cut,etc.that's when I missed him(firstborn the most)Now she's 16 and awesome,and 3 boys ages 9,7and soon to be 5.We are all waiting anxiously for him to find all of us.

Answer 8

My birth mother is in her 70's and she still talks as if she feels guilty, even though I've reassured her. Her aunt...who pushed the issue, apparently called her to her deathbed, and said 'sorry' and was feeling guilty too.

Maybe it depends on what is going on in the birth mothers life, also perhaps on how willing the birth mother felt about giving up her child. In my birth mothers case, she never married or had other children, this left her bitter.

Personally I think counselling should be given to all birth mothers, before and after they give up their child.

Answer 9

i can't imagine giving up my child. i think i would feel guilty the rest of my life, every day.

Answer 10

I havent personally gone through this but I have a family member that has and she is still going through it to this. Wondering where her child is and if she is okay.

Answer 11

That's the way it was for me, I believe that's the way our minds can process the loss without going crazy. I found my daughter in 2001, she was almost 30 and we are happy to be part of each others lives.

Answer 12

YES YES YES!!! its completely normal for you to feel this ways even years later. Heck, if you ever reunited with her, you would still have the guilt.

You gave up your baby. Thats probablly one of the most painful things to ever have to go through in life. How could you ever forget your baby?

Just because you gave away your child doesnt mean that you didnt love your child. You carried her in your body for 9 months and whether you or her know it, there will always be a connection between the two of you.

I reunited with my birthmom and she still has many regrets and much sadness about the whole thing and Im in my late 20's. She still cant tell the story of my adoption without crying. She says she can still feel the pain like it just happened.

A child can love more than one parent and a parent can love more than one child. Just because you had another child doesnt mean you stop loving your other. You love them just the same I hope. You may feel better because you are now able to keep a child and love them and see them grow up, but you will still always love the one you had to give away.

Know that you are not alone on this. I think most mother who go this kind of trauma (yes trauma!!!!) feel the same way. And the ones who dont feel this way are the mothers who truely should have given their children away.

Answer 13

you were a child when you made this decision.  there was no way for you to know how it would affect you the rest of your life.  i hope you can find peace in knowing this and will not allow it to make you too sad the rest of your life.  we never know when the defining moment of our lives will arrive, we can only hope that we make the best decisions possible.  i think you probably made the best decision you could at the time and you did not go wrong.  you are obviouly a strong woman, and you made it through some very tough times.  you will continue to grow even stronger.

Answer 14

My mom gave me up when she was 19, and the feelings she described to me mirrored yours.  You are not alone.

check out http://www.cubirthparents.org/

you can find a lot of good support there.

Answer 15

A lot of birth mothers have that guilt.  It is not unusual.  It is very painful to give up a child.

Answer 16

Of course there will always be a certain amount of guilt involved with the relinquishment of a child.I am an adoptee and a relinquishing mother and so I know both sides of the story but I have had and always will have a certain amount of guilt regarding the circumstances surrounding the adoption of my daughter but time does heal to a certain extent and the guilt does seem to lessen to a certain degree but there will always be some there