Do most AP's actually meet the natural mother during the adoption process?

Question

Particularly in the case of agency or international adoptions which I know nothing about. I'm not necessarily asking about Foster Care.

We adopted domestically in an open adoption and it was done privately between us, the nmom, counselors, social worker's and an attorney. No agency.

I find it difficult to understand how AP's can feel comfortable about the the true circumstances, intentions, and feelings of a natural mother without meeting her face to face?

Answer 1

In agency adoptions, most birth mothers choose whether or not to meet the adoptive family.  It is up to them.

Answer 2

We adopted internationally and met our daughter's mother and father.  That isn't the norm in international adoption, although it's becoming possible and happening more often.

Answer 3

Sadly its not done for most international adoptions. I think its necessary as well as DNA tests should be performed to weed out the baby sellers otherwise the birth mother should keep her parental rights just to prevent corruption by all parties involved. For example: in Guatemala many agencies were hiring women to pretend they were the birth mothers. I'm certain they aren't the only country doing it.

Answer 4

Adoptive parents do not meet the mother back in England.They are kept private, although some information is given, sometimes incorrectly, about the birth mother. So I am surprised to see that a meeting can happen in America.

But, it seems like a good and bad idea. I cannot imagine the adoptive parents wanting to adopt if they were going to have to share news, photos and perhaps events, like birthdays with the mother.

What if the mother was so torn with grief at the loss of her baby, that she begged for its return?

What happens when the child grows up and wants to marry?

And, if the child is hospitalised?

Perhaps, the adoptive parents are able to keep their address secret if they choose and only have that initial meeting? Sounds like a dilemma, although better for the mother, in her not having to say goodbye forever, which is like the death of her child. It also lessens the stress, of her wondering who the child was placed with.

Answer 5

We've done both international and domestic adoptions.  In the international adoption we never met our daughters bio mother. I'm not even sure her identity was known since my daughter was dropped off at night at a rural orphanage when she was a day or so old and we adopted her when she was 8 months old.

In the situation of the domestic adoption we also never met our daughters bio mother.  She was initially siezed by Social Services in the hospital after she was born.  We attended the hospital and brought her home with us when she was 4 days old.  We known her bio mothers name because of what was written on her baby band but other then that we don't know anything.  Parental rights were severed by the court without our involvement and the adoption was done between us and Social Services so there was no need to meet or even deal with any bio parents.  From what we know and the info we have received they were too strung out on drugs and/or in jail anyway so there would have been no chance for us to meet.  

I know every situation is different but these were our experiences anyway.

Answer 6

I agree 100%.

I too NEEDED to know for sure from him and her that this is what they truely wanted.

There are so many other benefits to private adoption other than knowing the family.

-everyone involved can set up their own kind of open adoption without the agency feeding them c**p about what they think is best.

-If the mother changes her mind, the APs can return the child and just back away, but with an agency, the child may just go to the next runner up

-At least in our case, the adoption wasn't final until he was 1.5yr. old. So there was a lot of time for a change of heart.

Like you, I couldn't even imagine not knowing them and their circumstances, or not knowing how they are now.

Good question.

Answer 7

The one generalization you can make about international adoption is that there is no generalization you can make about international adoption.

Every country program is different, with different requirements, different processes, different rules, different timeframes and different costs.

Some countries have no rules regarding the first parents meeting the adoptive families, some (like China) do not allow it by default, as it is illegal in China to abandon a child.  If the first parents showed up to meet the adoptive parents, they would be arrested.  In some countries where wars run rampant, no phones, no real infastructure, trying to locate the first family is often done by word of mouth.  Not always reliable or quick, but surprisingly, it does work.  In countries like this, people tend to network very well.  

In our international adoption, we did meet our children's first mother.  We are very grateful to have had that contact.

Answer 8

Most AP's meet the mother at the hospital at the very least. Now that adoptions across state lines are common most people speak to the mother on the phone but do not meet face to face until they come to pick up the baby.

We had to rush to meet our daughters parents. They placed her in agency care at 5 months old and we made a mad dash to get there and meet them before they left. They origanally weren't going to meet us but they are glad they did and we are still in touch. Only 2% of adoptions are closed nowdays. My friend just adopted last fall from a mother that left her child at the hospital and didn't wish to choose the parents.

Answer 9

My Aunt met her son’s BM prior to the birth; I think they even talked on the phone every few weeks and then she came out to their state in her last month.   My mom’s co-workers also meet their son’s BM after he was born and they spent a little time with her, learned a little about her and the birthfather.  They were not matched with her, they were notified a day after he was born asking if they wanted to adopt him.

I would think in most cases at least when someone is matched that they will meet their birthmother talk to her some. If they go the birth.

Answer 10

I can't speak for most AP's, but we met the n-mom and got to know her well enough that she asked us to be in the room with her when our sons were born!  She and I both take comfort in the fact that they will grow up knowing who their natural parents are.

Answer 11

I adopted internationally.

With my younger two sibs, their mother was dead. I did meet their father and have a long talk with him.  We adopted older children, so they were able to confirm for us that their father's story was true.

With my other boy, we were unable to meet his mother at the time.  I felt comfortable about the adoption for many reasons. We'd researched and found a person who primarily ran an orphanage for HIV positive children that would never be adopted.  They did very few placements a year, for children with medical needs that they couldn't take care of in that country.  I checked the agency's financials and found that they made very little profit and salaries were low. The director was a retired doctor and took no compensation at all. The agency used the money from adoptions to fund programs in the village - cooperative farming, schools, medical care. So that was one reason I was comfortable about it. I thought I had an ethical agency.

Also, we were given the mom's name and home village as well as lots of other information that we could check.    Unfortunately, we ended up travelling during their holiday season and our son's mom was away in her home village when we were there.  It wasn't a place that it was safe to travel to.  We've still managed to keep in touch for years through a contact who has email.  We have friends here who are from that country and have met her on their visits home. The story we were told about our son's relinquishment is true. We're very sure of what the mom's intentions were. As a matter of fact, she has repeatedly asked us to adopt two more of her children, but we've tried to send financial support instead. We were hoping that if she could become financially independent, she'd be able to keep her children with her.

Answer 12

Hi Cam,

I don't know about most AP's but we did.  DD was in foster care for a month until her First Mom terminated parental rights.  Every weekend we would meet together at the foster family's house.  We got to know each other and DD's First Mom even helped teach me how to make a bottle.  Silly i know, but we were able to ask each other any questions and really just got to know each other.  M. decided to have a placement ceremony where (almost like a baptism) she expressed all of her hopes and dreams for her child and then physically handed her child over to us.  There was a list of promises she wanted us to make her.  We listened, accepted and promised.  To this day we have kept all of our promises and fully intend to the rest of our lives.  The time together was priceless.  I would not have it any other way.

With our youngest daughter, my husband flew over to Africa.  (i could not do to health issues)  As soon as he landed, my husband was driven 5 hrs to a remote village.  There he met DD's First Father and extended family.  A translator was provided and they all spent the day together.  My husband was welcomed into their family.  Again First Father expressed his hopes and dreams for his child and my husband listen, accepted and promised.  We hope to return every 1 1/2 yrs to see them again.  Again just as priceless.

My husband and i would not have adopted from anywhere that did not allow us to meet the First Parents.  It was an honor and a privledge to meet them and hear their hopes and dreams for their children.  We feel First parents are just as important to their children as their Adoptive Parents.  People who adopt should keep their promises.

Answer 13

Nowadays, most adoptions are open.  This means that not only do the birth mother and AP meet before the birth, they often meet up after the adoption.  This means that the child effectively has two mommies:  the biological mother and the adoptive parent.  From a psychological standpoint, the setup is better for both mother and child than the old "say bye-bye forever" method.