Do most people expect others to come to their events when they don't go to other people's events?

Question

This is a philosophical question more than anything else.

My fiance and I are in our mid-30s and marrying for the first time. Over the years that we've been dating, I've attend a number of bridal showers and weddings for some of his other younger relatives quite happily and always found them to be pleasant people.

Now as we're getting closer to our RSVP deadline, I'm starting to notice that a large number of these same younger family members are declining invitations to attend our wedding. We're having a traditional wedding with evening reception that includes food/drinks/dancing/etc, so I'm surprised that these kids don't want to attend. If nothing else it's an evening of free entertainment! They seemed to enjoy their own events quite a bit and ours is very similar.

Their mothers and I communicate fairly often and I'm tempted to ask them about their children's responses. I probably won't, but if the mothers bring it up, then I would be curious to get their views.

What do you ladies and gentlemen think?

Answer 1

I'm with you... growing up in a large family and being one of the youngest I was always told... you should attend all the family events, because when it comes your turn you will want them to attend yours.... well guess what... its my turn... well my daughters wedding and two of my brothers and one of my sisters and one cousin (who we all attended events for recently) have declined... I was like WTF!

It was there and then that I decided that for all future events that are going on in MY house.... only those that I know will attend and wont feel that it's an imposition will be invited in the first place... the others can go s***w nails!

Answer 2

I think that part of it is that most of them don't see it as a t*t-for-tat. Which, to some extent it is. Not in the sense that "well they came to ours, so we must go to theirs", but in the "do unto others sense".  

Answer 3

I would question it, too, but there are so many factors included the guests vacation schedule at work (if they have to  take time off), travel time, arranging schedules with kids, money, etc. Of course, those that care enough would arrange these things to make it, but people also grow apart over the years.

You never know. I wouldn't worry or look into it too much, but have your parents see if they can get more information if it comes up. They can say something like, "We're sorry to hear so-and-so wasn't able to attend. Give her our best." See what kind of a response that gets. casual hints are okay :)

That's' too bad, though, that you've made some great efforts over the years, and your friends aren't returning the favor. Kind of shows you how great of a friend they really are. But also, sometimes, it's really unavoidable. Sometime in the future, I'm sure you'll find out why these people weren't able to attend.

Answer 4

I think I'm around the age of the people you're asking about, mid-20s. To be honest, I'm with you, I'd love to go to nice reception/dinner/dance. I'm wondering though if there are other factors at play like another event that you're not aware of or other outside circumstances. Also, I could be off base, but if there's some traveling or other expenses it might not be cost effective for them to come.

If you're really curious you can always tell the mothers, "oh, I really was looking foward to seeing Johnny/Janie  here, it's a shame s/he could make it." the day of the reception. If there's a good reason the mothers will give it at that time.  

Answer 5

I think one does not have to do with the other.

People can't expect others to show up at their functions just because they have showed up at the others' functions in the past.

There can be many reasons why people make it. The fact that whether or not you went to their weddings most likely have nothing to do with it.

Answer 6

First off, congratulations on the wedding.  Being in the age bracket you are, you are probably better established in your jobs and are more financially secure.  Depending on how far away these relatives live, they may not be able to afford the trip to your event.  It's also possible that they will think they will not know anyone else there, so won't have a good time, or that your event will not be like theirs were.  If you wanted to feel it out a little more you could say something to the mothers like "I was so disappointed to see that Sarah and Rick aren't coming to the wedding.  Bob and I will really miss seeing them."  That leaves the door open for the moms to fill in with the reason.

Answer 7

Is there some reason they might all be declining that might not have to do with your event per se? As in, does your wedding fall near a holiday/major sporting event/etc?  

Answer 8

i completely get your situation and honestly, i wouldnt say anything. but for the most part because of it, they might feel awkward that they didnt go to your weddingfor whatever reason and you will feel a little hurt that they didnt come so odds are you guys will most likely lose touch after this. especially if you do end up asking out of curiousity and getting some c**p excuses.

i think u are absolutly right to be a little baffled as to why they arent coming. but hey, more food and liquor for the guest who want to be there.