Do not want to put strain on the marriage, please help?

Question

I was with a man for 6 years and we were about to get married when he said he was feeling homesick (he had moved with me 3500 miles across country) so i sent him home for Christmas. He called me and told me he was never coming back and later i found out he had cheated on me on a regular basis. You can imagine how messed up i was after this. Anyways I met a wonderful man and we got married. But i seem to be really emotionally needy these days and I never used to be. I was so trusting in my previous relationship and never really saw the signs that he feel out of love with me or that he was cheating. I just thought our relationship was becoming comfortable and the passion had died down a bit. Now in my new relationship with my husband I seem to be really frightened all the time. He is the most romantic man I have ever met, calls me during the day to tell me he loves me, surprises me with flowers, tells me I am beautiful etc....just amazing. But when life seems to get crazy and we don't spend a lot of quality time together (getting comfortable feeling) i seem to go nuts, i get all scared and wonder if he has lost passion etc....scared he will fall out of love or find somebody else. he has never given me a reason to think this ever. these crazy feelings go away if we spend a romantic night together or something but what i want to know is how the h**l do i make these thoughts go away. they drive me nuts all the time. any advice would be really helpful. thanks

Additional Details

i have kind of talked to him about it a bit, he knows that I am a bit insecure with things and told me that he would wake up every morning and tell me he would never fall out of love with me or leave me....i believe he would do that too if i needed him to but i just want to make the thoughts go away. it is not as easy as just telling myself to trust things.

Answer 1

I completly get where you're coming from. I tihnk you did good by telling him how you feel and why you feel that way. what you can do is be as romantic as him, suprise HIM with flowers, cook him special diners, have date nights and so on...Your ex cheated on you because he didn't love you. If your husband loves you, he will not stray.

Answer 2

Try to let go of what the first guy did to you.  Your husband doesn't sound like he is going to s***w you over.  If need be, seek professional help before you mess this up.  

Answer 3

If somebody left you -  he left a spot for someone better!!!

It is very common to be scared of fire if we got birned once.

BUT... what concerns relationships we need to forget about our past experience and start a new life with a new person. It is understanble that you afraid of "what if he will do to me the same"...but try to understand that we all are different. Do not be afraid to start from the very begining! Let go of your past! Right now your past and fears can ruin your present! Concentrait on what you have right now. If you feel that you going nuts talk to your husband. Communication is very important in relationships of two.  

Life full of surprises and some of them can bring hurtful experience. Negative experience is experience too.

good luck!=)

Answer 4

Didn't you just ask this?

Seek some counseling - before you ruin a good thing.

Answer 5

first u need to be honest with him just don't fill him in on bits and pieces tell him how u really feel and what happened to u in the past. if u have already done this and he has told u that u have nothing to worry about then my advice would be don't worry. what u should have did before u got married was give ur self time to heal. b/c it seems you are very insecure that is not what guys wont. so begin to let go of the past and try and move on. ADVICE: stop being so needy if u keep this up in the long run it will drive him insane b/c he has told u he will not leave u or fall out of love with u so learn to trust again yes it is a healing process but u will feel much better and i'm sure so will he b/c u don't wont him to keep feeling like he has to keep reassuring u of his love 4 u.

Answer 6

Love & respect are entwined so deep that they cannot be separated.

IF you continue to follow the path of untrusting based off past men you will demonstrate lack of respect toward your husband.  Without this respect, it's common for the love (calls, flowers, etc) to diminish.  I'd recomend that you focus on what you respect about your husband, and tell him about it.

Answer 7

When you've been burned before, its tough to let your guard down completely, even if it seems you have met someone perfect for you. Its simply a matter of security and trust and it takes time to build that. You obviously care enough about each other to have made this committment of marriage and he sounds incredibly considerate, passionate for you and patient. You need to remind yourself to be strong, for yourself and for him. You have a very loving and resilient marriage- trust in it and you'll be fine. Talking with him is great, so just let him know how you're feeling and what you need, and ask him to work with you to get through this together. If he loves you half as much as it sounds like he does, you two will have a long happy life together! Good luck!

Answer 8

know feeling.. I get skittish with current relationship if things seem comfortable... you have to talk and be open with him... have to control yourself and have faith and trust.. it is really tough, especially when get burned...  

Answer 9

OMG, I think I feel ill.

Answer 10

You need to seek counseling because this is clearly something that can't be resolved just by your husband telling you that he loves you.  You have a major trust issue that has nothing to do with your current husband.

This is about an unresolved issue between you and your former fiance.  It doesn't involve your husband at all, but he's bearing the brunt of your insecurities.  If you don't address this issue, it will eventually put a strain on your current relationship.  A man can only take so much before he begins to crumble, and your relationship along with it.

Answer 11

I used to be the way you described with my first college boyfriend. It sounds like you have a great husband. Just give him space and I suggest you do the same. You don't need to be glued to each other to make it magical everyday. Haven't you ever heard of the axiom, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder?" Get a hobby or two alone and let him do his thing. When the time is right, have your romantic moments and don't take them for granted. But you should never worry about him cheating UNTIL YOU SEE PHYSICAL EVIDENCE that he is. Imaginations can really run wild. Be stronger than that and stay busy in between his loving gestures.

Answer 12

you need to sort this or u will wreck ur marriage the last guy was a jerk but u got a nice guy so try to put d past in d past love this guy enough to trust him  

Answer 13

Actually it IS as easy as telling yourself to trust things.  The hard part is forcing yourself to listen.  I find incentive helps everyone reach their goals, whether it be positive or negative incentive.  This guy sounds like an awesome catch.  I wish I could squeeze some reciprocated romance into my relationship sometimes!  But you are right to think that there is a threat to your relationship.  Can you guess what that is? Yes! You're right.  It's you.  It's ONLY you.  He is not losing interest but if he continues to feel like you don't trust him when he tells you the way he feels about you and shows you so often (so much more often than my boyfriend, that's for sure), he's going to feel like all of his efforts to please you are in vain.  So your incentive?  Not losing your husband.  The next time you think- "Oh my, he has lost interest in me! I must be clingy and insecure!", remind yourself that this kind of behavior is what WILL make him lose interest- and that you need to cut it out IMMEDIATELY.

Answer 14

You need to get help before you hurt your marriage. :-)

Answer 15

Well you probably need to see a therapist.

A 6 year relationship ending is traumatic for anyone.  Adding on top of that his cheating, and that probably devastated your trust in men, your sefl-esteem, and your overall outlook.

It's possible to move past issues like that, but it takes time.

A qualified psychotherapist with a PHD who specializes in relationship issues can definitely help.

If you haven't already, I would definitely confide in your new husband about everything you've said here.  I know I would do anything for my wife if she were feeling this way.

Answer 16

Sorry, don't have the patients to read all this again. Good luck in whatever you're asking.