Do other adoptees deal with anger issues?

Question

Okay. Ever since I can remember I have had intense anger and hatred towards my b-mom. I'm angry with her for giving me up. Growing up I thought I was ugly or something was wrong with me for her to do that. I mean i would never give up a baby so why did she? My angry affected others around me. My adoptive mom told me that i had to forgive my b-mom because she was put into a diffcult situation by the state. From what my adoptive parents said the state was really s******g with my mother. I think it had something to do with her being hispanic and the state took advantage of my b-mom. I know i should forgive her but i'm still hung up on why she gave me up. I did meet her(my b-mom) before she died and i did ask some questions, but not all were answered. I know i should be thankful with the life that i have, especially since i have such awesome adoptive parents. I mean growing up they have always been open and honset with me and wanting me to have a reletionship with my b-mom. Thank You!

Answer 1

Every emotion is intelligent.  By this, I mean it understands a situation- often quicker than your intellect does - and tries to point you in the right direction.  Often the emotion is right.

If you are angry, think about where it is trying to lead you.  Maybe it's just a primitive- defense-mechanism that should be abolished.  Or maybe it’s an emotion that developed to ensure you never abandon people in the way you were.   In that sense, it could be used in a healthy way.  You might want to try remembering the specific time you were angry and ask what actions it drove.  Where these good or bad?

As for whether it is a common emotion, I can't say becuase there has been no research on the issue.  From my personal experience, I have not known any adoptees who expressed anger openly.  However, one adopted family member of mine always seems quite angry at her natural mother.  I always regarded this emotion as a defense mechanism she used to separate herself from the desperate conditions that brought about the relinquishment.  I could be wrong though.  It's really up to the person with the emotion to decide what it means.

Answer 2

Oh yes.  I've got that anger too.

I think Joe Soll might be very helpful to you.  He has a book called "Adoption Healing...A Path to Recovery".

I found the book extremely helpful for working out some of my on anger issues.

Joe is also and adoptee himself.

And also, just know that you are not alone in your feelings.

Answer 3

I know how you feel.

I recently connected with my b-mom after 35 years.

She was a young, scared teenager when she gave birth to me.

I just cannot understand how her life had changed  so much within a year,when she gave birth to my birth-sister.

She walked back into my life after 35 years and expected to just take charge of my life (which, I couldn't allow).

When she looked at me and my grown  children, I could see in  her eyes how she disapproved of not only me, but my children.

I didn't want anything more to do with her because she could  not accept my children or myself as we were. she apparently felt the same way.  I feel she not only rejected me once, but twice.

My gut just tells me something just wasn't right with  her story of why she gave me up and the circumstances surrounding  it.

I do know  how I feel about my own children. Even  when I don't agree with them, I would never just walk  away from them and not look back, as she has done. I raised my children by myself. They are great kids (adults now)

I have tried so hard to understand her, but I just can't.

I have much more anger towards her now, then I did before I met  her.

I think every child or even adult children desire acceptance from their parents. Which I have received many times over from my adopted mom. But since my adopted mother's death

Answer 4

I think your feelings towards your biological mother are completely normal--it makes perfect sense to wonder if she felt there was something wrong with you that made her not want to be your mother any longer.  It's common to want to know why, and also to wonder how much different your life would of turned out had she been the one to raise you.  Your parents (the ones who raised you) did the right thing by not hiding this fact from you

Answer 5

It is really normal to be angry, being given away is a big deal, you were there, you remember it on some level.

I wouldn't worry about forgiveness so much but allowing yourself to feel the way you feel, and finding constructive outlets for your anger.

Answer 6

A healing adoptee though I don’t feel the same way that you do. You are not alone as there are many adoptees who feel the way you do.   My genetic mother considered getting me back even filled out some paperwork. So I know she loved me but did what she felt was best, she couldn’t have raised me and its not like she could have broken off contact with her family when they we’re raising her monoracial child.

Answer 7

Anger? Oh god yeah. Anger at my grandmother for forcing adoption on my mom, anger at my sister for being able to reach out and touch the one person who could have made me whole, anger at social services for not once asking how they could help me be a better mother, anger at social workers for giving me the ultimatum of "if you don't sign over your rights he will be moved from foster home to foster home for his entire childhood", anger at my adoptive mom for dying when i was 14 and needed her the most, anger at my adoptive father for beating me when i too found myself pregnant and scared at 17.....

and mostly anger at myself for not being able to control my anger.

Answer 8

I was angry when I was young, but my outlook has definately changed.  Especially now that I am a mother, I understand why a woman may choose to give her baby up for adoption.  My adoptive parents have always been open about my being adopted, and gave me a wonderful home to grow up in.  I only have the non-id info on my b-mom, but from what we can gather, she was very young, probably still in high school.  I am thankful for the life I was given, and understand that she gave me up for adoption to give me a chance at a better life.  My brother was also adopted, and he was very angry for a long time.  He met his b-mom and sister a few years ago, and now has some regrets.  He saw first hand the life he would've had, and it was nowhere near the life he had growing up.  Be thankful for life and what you were given.  Some questions are never meant to be answered...

Answer 9

You know I think we all have anger when we are younger since we dont really understand why this has happen. Dont think of her giving you away. She did what she thought was better for you. I know that I had anger since I was an older child to be adopted and that I knew what my siblings had gone through with my BI mom and Dad.  But now, that my brother and I had found a loving home and my sister is in a great home as well, it really doesnt bother me. I mean hey they gave us a second chance at life and it was the best thing for us. Think of it this was, she gave you a home that is better then she could have given you. She did it for you to be better off. Yes you have anger but do think about why she has done .

Answer 10

I think anger is a pretty normal reaction.  Being relinquished hurts.  When we hurt, we often lash out with anger.  It's a normal defensive response.  

I won't tell you that you should or should not be angry at your birth mom.  I haven't felt anger towards my birth mom, but I have felt anger at those people who practically made her give me up.  I, myself, have worked on trying to get over my anger, but it's hard.  Anger is normal, but I still worry about it taking over my life, and I try to avoid that.

Having a good life doesn't change that you lost something when you were relinquished.  There is something to grieve, but many adoptees (especially infants) don't ever have the chance to grieve it.  Years later, when the adoptee begins to understand what was lost, that grief seems to manifest as anger.  

The short answer (after all my long-winded nonsense) is that you're in good company.

I might suggest picking up a copy of Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self by Brodzinsky, Schecter, and Henig.  It was a book that really helped me understand some of what I was feeling in all of this.  (I'm still dealing with it, but it helped.)  You might also want to find a support group.  A good online community that I've recently found is at http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/.

Good luck to you.

Answer 11

I think the abandonment issues are almost worse than the anger issues.  I have both.

Answer 12

Contact Joe Soll at Adoption Crossroads