Do parents have to be controlling in order to have well behaved children? Where's the balance?

Question

Do parents have to be controlling in order to have well behaved children? Where's the balance?

Answer 1

I don't think they need to be controlling. They simply need to be in control. I think there is a big difference. Just because a person is controlling doesn't necessarily mean they are in control. In fact, controlling people are usually pretty out of control.

Answer 2

to an extent, but if they are to controlling and dont let the child have a say so the child grows up and is lost in the world.  I know , im lost. Let the child win some and lose some, let him make his own desicions.  when he gets p*****n ask him to think about his choice the pros and cons.  Let them make mistakes as long as it dosent hurt them.  All these things help a child.

Answer 3

The balance comes in being controlling but only in ensuring your kids don't step over the boundaries. Within those boundaries they should have freedom.

So, for instance, I insist that if my kids are going to have music lessons they have to practice. I sometimes say that they can't do something else (usually computer time) until after they have practised. But I don't demand that they practice at a certain time - it's up to them when they do it. I only say "go practice NOW" if they are not doing it by themselves.

Answer 4

Haha! I let my mother think she is 'controlling and disciplining' me when she grounds me. But seriously, I'm laughing at her. Kids will go the COMPLETE opposite way when given freedom if they have been controlled too much.

A study shows that families that were semi-strict actually turned out with the best behaved children. Such as the kids made the choice not to drink too much etc themselves.

Answer 5

I think it depends on what you would term "controlling".  As a mother of 3 aged 12,10 &5  I am constantly guiding my children and restricting what is not appropriate for their age.  If by control you mean wanting to know where they are, what they are doing and who with at all times then yes I control my children.  I feel as a parent it is my job to know these things at this stage.  When they are older, I will let out the reigns a little so to speak and see what they do with a little more reponsibility.  If they make wise decisions then that's great and if they abuse the freedom I will reign them in until I'm confident they can be trusted.  This is responsible parenting.  It's not to control the child but rather to protect them from what they are not yet mature enough to handle.

Answer 6

About five months ago I wouldn't have known how to answer this.... my son is stubborn, active, at times out of control, had mood swings etc. I was always on him, trying to correct him and mold, and at times yelled at him to get  his behaviour to be what I thought was appropriate.

Instead he would model me and treat me as I did  him.

One day something just clicked in me. It wasn't working! lol

I had gotten ill and spent a week at home and we did some real connecting. As a mom I always thought we had a strong bond. But between work and his school and being a single mom something got lost.

I take real time to make sure we really talk, and I never interrupt him or challenge his feelings. I stopped talking over him, and I make time for quality time together. I tell him I love him at least ten times a day lol.

Since this, he is a different kid.. and I'm a different mom.

Its soo much easier getting him to listen, and respect others when he's getting it himself.

My mother was overbearing, my father was always calm, respectful and honest. He let us know what he thought, but let us make bad decisions (so long as it wasn't going to hurt us).

Growing up I was very well behaved, and it was out of respect for him, and getting his approval when I did well was great!

i'm hoping to raise my son in the same manner. So no, you don't have to be controlling... but you do have to set boundries early on as to what is acceptable, and praise them when they have done well. The longer you wait to do that, the more h**l its going to be later on.

Answer 7

Yes, to some extent they should be controlling when it comes to their kids in order to improve their children behavior. By being in control of certain things somewhat you are not only keeping a check on your kids life/behavior but also on the other hand they (kids) would be conscious at the back of their mind about this fact that they are being watched closely not to say in a bad sense..but down the road if they ever in a situation where they think they need help they would know who to look up to...none but their own parents.

Answer 8

Respect....you for your child, and them for you....

Answer 9

As the saying goes,charity begins at home.Of course,parents have to be controlling their children by telling them the good and the bad behaviours. The best time and place to do this is at home when there are no relatives accompanying them e.g their friends.Always correct them softly.Do not feel so embarrassed that you would want to thrash them!!

Answer 10

We must control our self about controlling our children, we must talk and act friendly with them, to have chance to be involved in some of the things they do and have some fun with them too.

Answer 11

Controlling when your kid is lacking some? Heck yes.

I don't micromanage everything my kid does, but you better believe the second he starts acting up or doing something he's knows better than to do, I will be there to correct the situation. Is he well-behaved? Yes. However, he's still a child who runs around and goes crazy. That's just being a kid.

When I see someone describe a person as "controlling" it sends images of people who can't let people do anything without having things done their way. My dad was like that; I'd get in trouble for holding my knife in the "wrong hand" at the dinner table, for example. It wasn't an issue of bumping elbows with the person next to me or any sort of table etiquette, he just didn't like me having the knife in my left hand because "it's not the right way". And there'd be no arguement unless I was looking to get spanked for talking back. I'd have to spend the rest of my meal fumbling with my utensils to avoid any more yelling. That sort of discipline I think is unnecessary. It's just cutting a steak for crying out loud.

For me, the balance is stepping only when bad behavior needs correcting. And of course, people need to be honest about when their angel is being a devil; I hate parents who make excuses for their kids like "oh boys will be boys" or "he's just [insert age]". Teaching your kids early is the easiest way to avoid becoming one of those "my kid is 12 and doesn't listen to me" whiners. If my son is going around flipping up girls' skirts (I've seen a little kid do this at my MIL's church), he's going to receive some form of discipline. However, if he's going to jump up and down on his bed, even though I hate it, I'll probably just tell him to be careful and leave it at that.

I don't really consider myself controlling, but when it comes to behavior I do hold a high standard for my children so maybe I come off as strict when my kid is being excessively raucous, but I'd rather be seen in public as the parent taking care of business than the parent bending over to cater to their uncontrollable brat.

Answer 12

A balance is achieve by switching the weights on BOTH SIDE of the fulcrum.

The Parent does that WAY BETTER than the child does...

If fact the PARENT craves equilibrium.   The child just wants what they want... when they want it... and BTW the child is WAY SMARTER than the parent... if you don't believe me... just ask them!

The balance is achieved when the CHILD is ready to have a balance.   You must be YOUNG or you would have already "gotten" this.

I bet you're smarter than your parents too, aren you?

Answer 13

I don't believe that parents NEED to be controlling in order to have well behaved children -  in fact,  being controlling can sometimes have the opposite effect, producing children who are defiant and uncooperative because they feel noone will listen to them otherwise.

What is needed is a level of trust and compromise that is age appropriate, as it will encourage children to express their opinions and know that they will be listened to. This will encourage them to become less confrontational and more cooperative with their parents, and make family life more harmonious in the process.

Answer 14

If you're too controlling, I think the kids rebel. Here's an example, true story. Neighbors of mine, real nice people but really strict. Kids always in much earlier than the other kids, never allowed to watch TV, not allowed to see this person, do this or that, blahblahblah.. flash forward, the daughter now is 22 and drugged out. The son is 17 and just last week, the cops were at his house because he had broken into yet another car.