Do people in the process of adopting find that a lot of people ask very 'rude' questions?

Question

l mean, you wouldn't ask a woman who fell pregnant why she chose to do it, or how she's going to raise a child, so why do people feel they have a right to question people about adoption? Does anyone do this, or has experienced it?

Answer 1

Yes, I went through that. I was ask what was wrong with the mother that she didn't want to keep the baby, what was wrong with me that I didn't just have one of my own and of course, I just can't imagine giving up a child like that. I started saying the birth mother deemed I was the best choice to raise the child and left it at that. People can be rude about it

Answer 2

Yes, and it doesn't ever seem to stop. DS is 18 mos and we still get rude questions. You need to come up with some witty brush offs for the nosy strangers, and you will also need to educate those closer to you more often than you anticipate.

My fave blow off, when asked by strangers in the store or wherever where DS got his white blonde hair or blue eyes is "His mother" with a smile. It confuses people since I have dark auburn hair and brown eyes.

It's worth it though

Answer 3

Oh MAN do people ask stupid, rude, insensitive questions!   There's the people who want to know (right in front of the children mind you) what happened to their REAL parents and why didn't they want them and how could anyone give up a child..blah, blah, blah.  I am a real parent, nothing unreal about me at all.  And then there's the people who go on and on about what a SAINT you are for adopting and how LUCKY our children are to be adopted (again right in front of the kids).   I adopted my children for selfish reasons-they were our foster babies and I loved them and wanted them to stay.  No saint here.  We're lucky we got the opportunity to be the ones to get to love them-I'm thinking it's not so lucky to be taken from your biological parents and put into the foster care system.

People will actually ask how much our children cost us like-"so what did you pay for the little black one and did he cost more or less than the little mexican kid?" Okay, I'm kidding no one has actually said that but they do ask us how much we paid to adopt.  We didn't pay by the way-adopting a foster child costs nothing or very little depending on where you are.

Oh, and there's always the people who want to know if we have any children of "OUR OWN."  My children are my own children... but some are adopted and some are biological.

LOL!  I'm done ranting now.  Sorry, but your question hit a nerve as I JUST got back from the store where I had to explain yet again why my two youngest are only one month apart in age and put up with the stupid questions.  Honestly, this is the one for today-"Oh, so your kids are ADOPTED, that's why one was born in December and one was born in January just one month later.  So are they related biologically?"    Huh?

Answer 4

I think people are just thick-headed when it comes to babies in general.  Personally, I have not adopted, but I have had two children...you wouldn't believe some of the invasive questions I received while I was pregnant!! (actually...you probably would!)

some of my favorites:

- "was your pregnancy planned?"

- "You're going to be done after this baby...right?"

- "You're going to breast feed...right?"

- "Are you circumcising him?"

- "Are you going to have an episiotomy/pain meds, etc"

- "How much weight have you gained?"

- "Pull up your shirt, let me see your belly" (I kid you not)

- "Where are you going to have him baptized?"

The only way I get through it is by reminding myself that these people aren't trying to be rude.  They just get "baby crazy" and can't stop themselves from asking stupid questions lol

Answer 5

i'm adopted, and i get rude questions all the time...

"didnt your real mom want you??"

    -k. my REAL mom is the woman who i live with.

"were you a bad baby?"

   -my adoption was planned for a while before i was born.

"wow...that sucks"

    -no, it doesnt. i dont know any other life.

"dont you want to know your real parents?"

    -i know them. i LIVE with them.

"thats stupid"

   -YOU'RE stupid.

people get worse.  some of those were asked to me by ADULTS.  i'm a kid here. who asks a kid whether their parents WANTED them or not!?!? jeez.

Answer 6

Yes,Yes & YES!  I am constantly amazed at the questions people ask when you adopt.  I have been asked "Why don't you have one of you 'own'?" A - she is my own and none of your business.  "How much did she cost?"  A - "SHE didn't cost anything - how much did your biological baby cost?" "What do you know about her real parents?" A - We are her real parents!"  "Does she speak English?  She was 9 months old when we adopted her - I just don't know what to say to this.   And these are just some of the common ones.

Now I am far too gracious to actually say some of these answers but I wish people could be more gracious and not actually ask them, especially in front of my daughter.  I think the reason people ask these questions is because while there are lots of standard and acceptable things to ask when someone is pregnant or has a baby people often don't know what to say for an adoption.  This is no excuse, however, most of the time if people just thought about the question for 2 seconds they would realise how offensive it is.

I think you need to develop a very thick skin when you are adopting.  Search the internet for some of the great answers that people have and practise them for when you are faced with those questions.  One of my favourites is "Why do you ask?"  because it forces people to think about their question and sorts out those who are interested in adopting themselves and those who are just being nosy without being rude myself.  All the best.

Answer 7

This is very common with adoptions.  People do the same thing to birthmothers, but worse!  I've seen nurses in the delivery room shaming a birthmother as she is delivering.  I've seen doctors ask why in the world a crack addicted woman with four kids at home won't just take her baby home?  And I've seen a birthmother who received adoption counseling, selected and met the adoptive parents for her child, and handed her baby to them in the delivery room -- chastised and cursed by her own family for choosing adoption!

Yes, adoption gives some people the idea that, o.k., this is different from me, so I can invade someone's privacy and ask any dang thing I want!  Or make any kind of judgment I want to about their life!  WRONG!

You have to be strong and set good, firm boundaries when it come to your adoption plans, your child's birth family, and your child!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"I'm sorry, but that is personal information."

"I'm sorry, but our family decisions are not open for discussion."

"I"m sorry, but we don't talk about that with anyone else."

"That is not something we share."

"That is information is not for anyone but my child."

"That is for my child to share or not."

"That's none of your business."

"That's private."

""That's a personal decision."

ETC.!!!

Answer 8

im an adoptee and have been amazed the questions i have gotten. like "so was she a hooker or something?"  "whats wrong with you? no one in their right mind would ditch a normal child"  or "i wonder why she didnt love you."

one of my personal favorite comments is " you're adopted? oh, im so sorry!"

or the ever popular "where are your REAL parents, do you know?"

i just smile and shake my head. it must be nice living in their little world.

just smile and walk away. you will never change their minds. sad, but true

Answer 9

Yes they do! However, over the years (my oldest child is now 12 and was adopted as an infant) I have come to the conclusion that most people don't mean to be rude. They are curious and find it interesting. I usually answer their questions if I think they are sincere.

Answer 10

Both of our children were adopted internationally, and we've heard many rude, ignorant, or personal questions and comments such as;

-Why couldn't his 'real' mom keep him?

-How much did he cost?

-Why can't you have kids of your own?

-Why do 'those girls' keep getting pregnant if they don't want to take care of the babies? (this one drives me crazy!)

It's hard too because often someone will be being so nice, and then ask a really inappropriate question, and catch you off guard, and you don't know how to respond.

Answer 11

All the time.  When someone who I work with found out we were adopting rather then having a biological child she asked me "Don't you want one of your own?"  and, then of course, people seem to think that I need to justify my decisions to them, and ask why I don't adopt from some other country.  I wish people would realize that adoption is not just something you decide to do one day and then BAM you have a kid.  It takes a lot of soul searching to decide if you and your partner are ready for adoption, whether to adopt internationally or domestically, what country to adopt from, etc.   I also know of people who go up to adoptive parents and ask them (in front of their kids) where the kids are from and what has happened to their "real" parents.  

People probably just don't realize how rude it is, but seriously, once we have our kids home with us, and people start making such stupid remarks, well I am not going to hold my tongue.  I do not ask people about their birth control choices, nor do I ask them why they decide to have biological children.  Its NOT my business, just as MY business is no one else's, and I shouldn't have to justify myself to anyone.

Answer 12

Ha!  There isn't any part of human interaction that isn't filled with rude questions.

Answer 13

We go through this all the time.  We chose to adopt unwanted children in foster care, boy do we get lots of rude comments and questions.   It infuriates me especially since no one would ask such questions if I was pregnant.  I usually dont answer but ask them an equally stupid question.  When they ask why did we chose adoption?  I ask why did you chose to have a baby.  They will say we wanted a family and I reply so did we.  Most are far to embarrassed to ask any more questions.

Answer 14

We're adopting a little (almost) 3 year old chinese boy named Hao (pronounced 'how'). Since we are adopting from China no one has asked us "rude" questions, in fact they are very sweet and don't ask much from us. I would also find it offending if they were asking lots of questions about how you raise your child, religious views, etc.

Answer 15

The question I've been asked that I think is rude is "how much is that going to cost?" I don't think the person who asked us that asked her other son how much the insurance didn't cover of my sister-in-law's c-sections!

Answer 16

I hate when people ask, WHY WOULD YOU WANT A KID THAT ISNT YOURS!!! or WHAT IF SHE KEEPS IT! im like its not a puppy jeez. Its a child a inocent human child!

Answer 17

OH, YES! I am amazed at the rude questions. Here are my top 3:

1) Was his mother on drugs?

- And why is this any of your business?

(You know that if I say no they will think I'm lying and if I say yes, they will feel sorry for my child.)

- I AM HIS MOTHER.

2) Why would anyone give up such a beautiful child?

- Because it's easier to 'give up' an unattractive baby?

- Did it occur to you that he wasn't 'given up?'

3) Why didn't they sterilize her?

- Because my son's birth mother is an adult and she lives in the United States where it is her right to reproduce.

- If she had, I wouldn't have such a great kid!

Absolutely unreal. I have even gotten some of these questions from close friends! It unnerves me no end. Although it wouldn't have mattered to me if my son had looked different from me, in a way I'm glad he doesn't because at least we don't get stupid questions about his heritage and no one stares at us when we're out in public.

When people ask ridiculous questions like these I always want to say something like, "And what position were you in when you conceived your child?" I'm sure the moron would find that rude, but not understand why I was asking.

Answer 18

I haven't experienced it, or done this - but I think that adoption is WONDERFUL... If for some reason God doesn't bless me with anymore children, then I'd love to adopt and give a child the future and opportunities they don't already have...

If you are in the process, or thinking about it - Good for you... there should be more people out there willing to go this for all the little ones out there without loving homes...