Do people really feel this way?

Question

here is an answer to a question here in the adoption catagory=

"Why is it when the adoptive child is grown, their bio family takes an interest.

Is it because all the money it takes to raise a child is no longer needed? Your bio parents did not want you when you were adopted out, why now?

Have your bio parent pay back your adoptive parents for raising you if they now want a relationship."

am i the only one that is offended by this? am i being overly sensitive?

anyone that knows me knows i do not offend easily, but i found this appalling. is this a common attitude?

by the way, this is the direct quote.

Answer 1

????????

Answer 2

I think the main reason biological family wait to "search" for their child is because open adoption is not a common practice. In most cases the bio family have no choice but to wait. Once an adoption is final if the adoptive parents do not want to or are uncomfrontable with keeping an open adoption the law says they have the right to choose what is or isn't in their child's best interst. Even though "open adoption" is being thrown around in court rooms and agreeded upon by both bio and adoptive families it is completely legally un-inforceable. I also think most parents who give up their children are remorseful on some level and they want to know that their child is okay and that they made the right decision and if for some reason their child isn't okay they want to finally step up and help their child. I think the reason many adopted adults feel it is offensive for their bio family to pop up 20 years later is because they are still on some level either feeling abandoned or they feel that their bio family have no right to impose themselves in their lives. That's just my point of view in answer to your question no I don't think you're oversensitive and you are entitled to your feelings.

Answer 3

My mum handed me over because she couldn't  take care of me at all. I am guessing it would have been the hardest thing to do, give up your own child because you know you cannot take care of them the way they need to. I have had contact with her quite a few years ago, I think she just wanted to make sure she made the right decision and wanted to see how I turned out,and other general stuff, like who I look like the most and eye colour and all the stuff we parents generally take for granted because we see it everyday. I don't think that she never wanted me, but chose to give me a better life. I don't take offence to anything much lol,wait until you have to decide if you can adequately raise a child all by yourself back when the government gave you nothing to have kids. Unlike now where the govt helps a lot of families with family tax benefit and single parent pension. It is a lot easier to have a child and raise it now because the govt helps out a lot. I think the quote is a little misguided and the person who said it obviously has issues about being adopted.

Answer 4

I think the majority of people who feel this way are people who have no ties to, or experience with, adoption.

I think the *majority* of AP's are understanding of adoptees' desire to search, and *most*, while even if they do experience hurt feelings, are mature enough to handle it.  (I have seen a few rare gems who flat out do feel that way toward their adoptee's n-family and searching, but they are not common).

There are a few adoptees who are happy with their lives and don't want to search, but again *most* of them don't go around badmouthing the ones who do nor badmouthing the n-families of other adoptees just because they might have found a less-than-ideal n-family themselves.

(And I highly doubt any n-mother or father who gave up a child, would criticize themselves like that, lol).

So it's usually someone not involved with adoption, or the rare person who is, that can't see beyond their own selfishness.

Answer 5

No you're not the only one offended by this attitude!  I asked this very same question yesterday (citing the same quote)  and got some interesting replies

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

no probs rachael.  Btw your bMom is great - it's a good thing she has a sense of humor, she deals with the bad rap bMom's get here on Y!A? beautifully.  How nice to see a reunion here

Answer 6

As people get older, they tend to look back on their lives and question if they made the right decisions at the time that they made them.  Bio parents wonder how their child/ren has grown up and they want a connection to feel that everything is alright with the world.  It is selfish and puts the adopted child in a stressful and confusion position.  "Why did they not want me then but want me now?"

Answer 7

Wow, that is very very crude!  Adoption is NOT a rental agreement....  

I am definitely in the, "Adoption is usually a great thing" camp, but even I find that comment extremely offensive.  Even if money was a contributing factor in the need or desire to relinquish, it should not preclude a relationship at a further point.  I'm not sure who posted that comment, but I have to wonder what they think about open adoptions!  Should biological parents have to pay a "visitation fee"?

Answer 8

my birth mother was a teenager,she was still in school.she had no way to financially support me,and her father (my Grandfather) would have killed my birth father had he known she was pregnant to a black guy.the last thing she wanted to do was give me up,and she only did so for MY sake,as she knew i deserved better than what she could give me.she wanted me to go to a married couple who were stable and secure.if she could have got financial help then she would have been able to get a house and be able to feed and clothe me.she spent 29 yrs beating herself up thatshe had given me up,and was desperate to know if i had got on ok,and been well treated.her wanting to meet me was to reassure herself that she did the right thing,and of course she was curious to see what i looked like,who i took after,etc.that my health was ok..as for "paying back" financially,she has tried to make up for this in her own way,by taking me on trips,out for meals,and always gives me money for birthdays and Christmas.as does my Grandfatherwho,btw ,only gives money gifts to me and not his other 4 Grandchildren,(they do not know of this)as he feels i missed out on him being there for me as a child!.

My bio family spent 29 years waiting for me to "come back". there was no ulterior motive.

If anything,my adoptive parents are happier now i have met my bio parents. why?  because i have moved on with my life,i am happier,and settled.i feel ready to have chilren,whether adopted,or biological.and above all,my relationship with my aparents is better now than it has ever been!. and it also does help my aparents to see where i have come from too!.

Answer 9

I don't think that is a common view.  First of all I don't think bioparents "don't want their children", more they realize they at this time cannot take care of him/her.  When the chlild becomes an adult is a good time to get to know the child better, unless of course it is open and you know them good already.

Answer 10

Yes, people do feel this way.  Not all people anyways, but enough to regularly say this hurtful things on our blogs, in our email, and to our face in person.  This is one of the many regular insults thrown at mothers like me.

And just an fyi to those that don't know better, our family has taken an interest in our son that we placed for adoption since birth.  We will be interested until the day we die and probably even past that.  The whole didn't want him thing is ridiculous in many cases, and the amount of sad stories that lead to relinquishment are the loss we grieve and deal with for a very long time afterwards.  As for the whole free ride thing, another low blow towards insulting us.  The whole buy a baby thing reflects just as poorly on adoptive parents as it does on firstparents.