Do real men cry, or are African men not allowed to cry?

Question

There’s a stretch of open field between Naledi and Mapetla (in Soweto). I grew up playing soccer there. One day, an older boy tackled me viciously and my knee was terribly injured. I cried but one old man said to me, “tigers don’t cry. Don’t be a woman. Don’t cry”. I tried not to cry but it was painful. Subsequent pains associated with injury were met with the conviction that “African men don’t cry.” Over the years I have subscribed to this saying and I have been a "real man".

I have watched my father and uncles fighting tears at the funeral of their mother some years ago. They were “real men” and I admired and respected them for being "strong" and above all for being great "African men".

In my adult age, I’ve at times been hurt so much I wanted to cry, but I can’t, because my I think my son will see me as a weakling. My son has just lost her mom, I’ve lost a friend and a beloved. While I want to remain strong for him, I also want him to feel that I’m fully with him – like crying with him. He cried most of last night. He was crying this morning. I want tears to come down my face, but they can’t. I think because in my head, “tigers don’t cry” and I was made to believe that I’m a tiger.

Do real men cry?

Answer 1

Well, Blubull and Res do indeed have it answered well.  My condolences to you and your family.  Please do let go and have a cry, and most of all, let your son know that he should not feel shame, that to grieve is to honour the dead.  The loss is a real one.  If you can't cry about that, then what can you cry about.  All our emotions are important and they all need to be expressed.  To know true sadness, is to also then know true happiness.  Light exists because of the dark.  I am South African and as a woman, I would not like to think that it is only for me to cry and to know the depth of my emotion and not for you as a man.  A real man knows himself, the good the bad and the ugly.  African men are taught restraint, to hold back tears and many like my father, hold so much in, that diseases such as cancer and heart disease soon follows.  Give yourself permission to express your emotions, accept that you will not be less of a man if you cry, but instead you will be more of a human being and a great example to your child to accept all of life and it's processes.

I think historically because of the tragic politics of the past, it would have been deadly for an African man to show his sadness, his so called "weakness".  African men have been given much to be sad about, too much, but it's unhealthy to hold it in.  God gave us the ability to cry for a reason.  Bless!

Answer 2

Real men DO cry. Only robots and sociopath's don't cry. Male tigers do not normally stick around for their offspring either but you have. We humans often emulate certain characteristics of wild animals but we try to be discriminating in our "where and when".  A tiger is great on the playing field but maybe now it is a good time to be an elephant.  There is a good book out about animal emotions called When Elephants Weep: The Emotional Lives of Animals. or you might find this an interesting read

http://www.mindpowernews.com/MindsOfAnim...

One of the good things about the human is that we can be any animal we want to suit the situation.

The strongest men I know cry when their emotional hearts have been hurt.

The Blue bull and Res are 'right on' with their info and their sentiments. I join them in sending my condolences to you and your son.

Answer 3

I am so sorry for your loss Pitso.

I don't know why men see crying as being a weakness. I in fact think to show your emotions is a very strong point and yes of course real men cry. I thought my dad had no heart because I never saw him crying until I was much older. The day I saw him cry was the day I knew my dad is one strong man. That goes for the rest of men out there. Crying is certainly NOT a weakness!

Answer 4

Don't continue believing that myth. And don't bring up your child in the same way. You will break, like all 'walls' do, when the pressure of the flood becomes too strong. But then the damage is much greater. Please, for the love of sanity, cry your heart out! Let your son cry his heart out. It is the very first step in the healing process. I don't want to imagine how many unhealed wounds you might still be living with. Don't do that to yourself...you will either explode or turn into stone. I am so sorry that this has happened to you. But don't damage your child....cry with him and let him know what a real man and father is all about! Real men DO cry....and because of that...they are stronger and more capable of dealing with life.

I don't know you, but my heart is hurting and my eyes are wet. If a stranger can feel that...then.....  

Answer 5

I could not possibly say it better than The Blue bull has.

My condolences to you and yours for your loss.

Very sincerely

KB

Answer 6

Born and raised in Durban, I'm white, not sure if you mean "African" (black) or "African" (African).

But to answer the question, no, African men don't cry.  Like Naas Botha said (about rugby) "cowboys don't cry".

Adding to that, I still think you need to be sympathetic.  Tell your son how bad you feel about the death of his mother.  Even shed a tear if you can but don't go bawling your eyes out.  As long as your son knows that you share his pain.  

If you have a religion, tell her God is watching over her and him.  If you're more traditional, tell him that his mom is with your ancestors and they're all watching over him.

Sorry for the loss though man.  I hope it wasn't another crime incident, not that that makes a difference.

Answer 7

My condolences man.

But don't cry.

Real man don't cry.

Answer 8

Cry ntate, cry! I do cry and i have no doubt i am real man.

I am sorry khabane!

Answer 9

Honey first of all my condolences with you and your family.

I read an article yesterday here in the UK about animals that mourn there loved ones,so yes real men do cry if animals can mourn there loved ones any person man or woman is also entiled to that crying time as well.

I hope you and your family all the best in the furture.xxxx

Answer 10

Oh my gosh! I'm sorry Pitso. I think real men are comfortable enough to show true emotions. My condolences.

Answer 11

I feel so sorry for you and your son, but don't be afraid to show you are hurt, cry tears that will heal some of te pain, it is not about real men or not, but about how to accept and live with your loss, it's not wrong to show your emotions in a way that helps you to cope and carry on

Answer 12

Awww,ur story is so sad..but i think u should cry..My brothers are also taught that Zulu men don't cry but sometimes they ant help it and do cry..crying helps u move on..so maybe you should!

Answer 13

everyone cries. whatever people say is bs. men believes crying show weakness that why males basically holds it in.

Answer 14

I dont know where to start. I couldnt possibly understand what it is you are going through. There's obvioulsy huge conflict within you right now Pitso, what has been embedded in you and what your heart wants to do. Cry Pitso, as long as you know she is worth every tear that leaves your eye. This time, a strangers words cannot make up for all the love and years with your wife, cry, mourn her...or it'll all come back to bite you in the end. Deal with it now so you can look after your child. My condolences.

Answer 15

I am so sorry Pitso and from my side, may you find peace in your heart. May God be with you and your son sir.

Real men DO cry and I tell you mate, crying will help you to deal with your loss. Go and cry with your son and be there for each other. Your son is likely to respect you even more for crying with him because it also shows that you are a father who cares and a husband who loved his mom. I think it is important for him. Frankly speaking, it takes a real man to show emotion and forget these myths that men do not cry.

Go well Pitso and know that you are in our thoughts.

Answer 16

Man, Pitso. That is indeed sad news.  You are in Africa, but Africa has no tigers.  We have lions in Africa.  I am sure that modern lions also cry.  Think about it, and imagine a lion crying, with big tears dropping down his cheeks.  A man who cries is not a woman.  He is being HUMAN.  Cry and shed a tear for your loss, and help your son become stronger through that shared moment of mourning.