Do some of you really think you can't bond with anyone other than your bio parents. ?

Question

quote from answer on the board

Bonding is already there, like blue eyes or left handedness.

Attachment evolves over time. In the case of adoptees--dependence creates attachment.

I know and have read that babies know your voice and can recognize your smell before birth that makes bonding easier they know you are the one they are supposed to be with.

However sometimes that is not possible. I believe that there is loss and a bond is broken but a new bond just as strong can be made

FYI

I am a PAP and I am reading Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew and it is making me more aware of things i did not consider but i still think bond can form even with older adopted children

Answer 1

I have always felt bonded to my adoptive parents.

But at the same time, I did not come out of my adoptive mother's womb. Those 9 months in my biological mother do account for something - both physically and psychologically.

Answer 2

actually they think you can only bond to bio mothers and attach to all others including bio fathers

Answer 3

good book. I recommend that one often.

Yes, I believe that bonding happens between mother and child, and attachment happens in all other relations of the human. Its a figure of speech. Its a different bonding. When the child is born, the only things the child want, are that in which the mother can only provide. There are not substitutes for that. Every scent is fullfilled by that of the mother. Because they have bonded, in a way the child will not bond with anyone else. Its different.

Do the research. Heres an idea, try and prove to me, scientifically prove to me otherwise. Maybe I'm wrong, lets see. Either way you'll learn something and most likely I will too. Go for it!  

Answer 4

According to dictionary.com, the difference between attachment and  bonding is that "bonding" is able to occur as part of a natural, biological process, where you are already "one" (as in the case with pregnancy); whereas attachment occurs when you "become a part of", which would happen in the case of adoption.

This was what I gathered from the definitions, anyway.  In the definition for "attach", nothing was mentioned about biology, pregnancy, or any natural process.  The definition for "bond" did mention these things, a few times.

It's not that adoptees aren't able to love their adoptive parents - but that they are unable to have the bond created in the womb, because they never WERE in their adoptive mother's womb.

Answer 5

Bonding starts in the womb.

That doesn't mean we can't form attachments to others later in life though.  I'm very much a part of my adoptive family and adore them but at the same time I never bonded with my adoptive mother in her womb.

Bonding and attachment are different but similar, I guess.  

Having given birth to three of my own and reconnected with my natural mother, I have a deeper understanding now than I ever had before.

Answer 6

I think that's a bunch of c**p. Nobody knows what babies think, it's not like they can talk for themselves, and if you take a baby away from its mother and give it to other parents, it will never know the difference.

My parents have me, six biological children, and three children from foster care, (ages 7, 12, 17) and no one cares about the differences. What's natural is to love the people you're with, the people who raise you and feed you and wash your clothes - the biological stuff, that doesn't matter. Any idiot can have children.

I was one year old when my parents died and I was taken to an orphanage. I never felt a loss, because I never lacked emotional support. A bond is made with birth parents the same way it's made with adoptive parents. Sharing genes only means that you're more likely to be compatible in case of an organ transplant. Or whatever.

I hope you will consider adopting some older children (like ages 7-18) from foster care because it's very difficult for them to get adopted. Usually APs want cute and once they grow up and lose the baby fat their chances of finding a stable home are exponentially smaller. My parents are looking to adopt a couple more teenagers from foster care - and there are a LOT on the list.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do :-)

"He who brings up a child is to be called its father, not he who gave birth." (Exodus Rabbah 46:5)

Answer 7

Honestly I am an adoptee (22 y/o) and when I got in touch with my bio. parents, I didn't know what to say. I didn't feel connected and I didn't know what to say. Now, 3 1/2 years later I'm trying to get in touch again but I still don't know what to expect. I was adopted at one month old and I only had one picture of me as a newborn in my bio. parent's arms. I don't even remember the moment when my parents told me that I was adopted. In my memory, it's just something I grew up knowing, and that has definitely been a positive for me. I love my parents (adoptive parents, to me they're just my parents) and my younger sister (the child they had together after doctors told them they could not have a baby). I definitely bonded with my family, so it is definitely possible. I never felt I was lacking anything, though I've always been curious. It was a private adoption through lawyers, so my adoptive parents knew their names and my grandma always promised to tell me about them (my grandma gave my birth mom pics of me growing up) but she died a couple years before I turned 18, so that was sad for me.  

Answer 8

I'm mulling this one over.  

I have one biological child.  I remember that mere seconds after giving birth, when he was being cleaned off and crying, I started talking to him.  He quieted and immediately started looking toward me and the nurse said, "He knows that voice!"  

So yes, I absolutely believe there is a bond that forms in the womb.

But I have two adopted children (adopted at school-age stage) and I have a bond with them, as well.  I know when one of them wakes up in the night and coughs and I'm up, down the hall and in their room.  I know when one is up with a nightmare before even being called for and again, I'm up, down the hall and in the bedroom.  

I feel as "attuned" to them as I do to my biological son.  

So one bond took 9 months to develop in the womb, one developed over time in the home.  But bonding/attachment is still there.  

ETA: I think what APs and PAPs have been reading into this question is: Adopted children cannot love their adopted parents, or cannot love them as much as they love their biological parents.  While some people may believe that is true, I don't think that's held by the majority.  

Acknowledging that there is a maternal-child bond created by biology is not discounting the bond between adoptive parent-child.

Answer 9

I am adopted and have 2 adopted children, and I bonded with adoptive mom and dad, and my kids bonded with me. My husband was raised by his biological family , and if i had the time to share some stories you would see that being raised in a bio family does not necessarily mean that you will bond.  I knew that my birth mom loved me, and I know that the birth moms of my 2 kids loved them because they chose life.  We were not abandoned.  I know some people disagree with me.  If they had abandoned us, we would have been aborted or left somewhere without providing a home for us.

Answer 10

I was raised by my bio mother and my "step" father from the ages of   2 (1966) to 11 years old, which was when they divorced.  I have always considered my "step" father my Daddy, still do.  It is my bio mother whom I can't connect with, never been able to.  For some reason she just doesn't seem to like me.  I have a 1/2 step-brother and she absolutely adores him!  My "step" father and I share so much and love each other dearly.  In fact, I don't know what I would have ever done without him!  My mother is not a real warm, nice person and my "step" father is.  I am incredibly grateful to have him in my life.  I am thankful that I was not raised solely by my mother.

Answer 11

It's just a different type of bond.

Call it attachment - call it a bond - whatever - it's just different.

It still can be very strong - but it's just different.

I love my adoptive parents with all of my heart and soul.

I still cry for the loss of my a-mum - and she died when I was 18. We had an incredible relationship - I miss her daily.

But I myself just have this internal pull towards by birth family.

A need to know who I look like - where my talents come from - why I was relinquished etc etc.

It's not reflective of either relationships - how the other is.

It just is.

I'm not saying it's stronger - I'm not saying all adoptees feel what I feel.

I'm just saying - that for me - it's different.

I guess I didn't fully realise that until I gave birth to three of my own. (I had my first when I was 26 - and it changed my thinking forever)

It's just different.

GREAT that you're reading.

Reading - learning - and keeping an open mind - those are probably THE most important things PAPs and APs can ever do.

And understanding that it's all so very complicated - but that's OK.

Life is complicated. Adoption just adds another layer!!

Here is another website with some great articles for PAPs and APs -

http://www.quantumparenting.com/

ETA: and to the poster below me - new research out does point towards infants in utero knowing who their mother is. The first year of life is critical in child development - some even say  up to 7 yrs.

Again - check the above website - and look into psychological research that is out their on the human psych from before birth.

Just because a baby can't voice what is going on - doesn't mean that they don't feel the pain of separation and /or stress around them.