Do these women represent your idea of "birthmothers"?

Question

We all have ideas about what 'birthmothers' are--what do you think of these women?

What resonates for you?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ks3P59z5gUk

Answer 1

It is still hard to watch stuff like that and even tell my own story without getting choked up. I can relate to them.

Answer 2

No they don't represent my view of 'birthmothers' at all.

My view of 'birthmother' is a fantasy creature that doesn't exist, a fictional being created by the adoption industry to market their product. Sometimes too for me 'birthmother' means a young woman who has lost her baby and has not woken up to her pain yet. They are in a prime position to be  used as a puppet by the agency that made a profit off her body, by having her promote their services.

This video shows real flesh and blood and bone and heart women who are grieving and will be grieving for life. So the thing that resonates for me the most is pain.

Answer 3

This is perhaps a different perspective, I am the single parent of 4 adopted/disabled children. First, yes there are drug addicted, alcoholic birth mothers who have no business having babies, but that is not the majority. I agreed before adoption to have an open relationship with any of the birth mothers, not one took the opportunity to even send a post card let alone request a photo. For many mothers it is just to painful to face the child they either had to give away or was taken from them. I cannot fault them, the pain they feel never decreases with time, if anything it gets worse, the love they felt has never dimished, yet many cannot bear to speak about it. Of course then you have the mothers who were victims of CPS/DHS, these are the majority, and they lost their children and their lives because of the inhumane B*ST*RDS at CPS. They harvest children for one purpose and that is to make money. 90% of all children removed by CPS are done so on unfounded allegations, of the 10% left 7 out of 10 are found to be innocent, YET they kidnap these children, deny their parents access to them, terminate their Rights and either adopt them out or throw them into Foster care until 18 at which time they are tossed out onto the streets. These mothers/parents are emotionally Murdered, they are forbidden contact, left with a Huge hole in their life and no closure, penalized for life for something they didn't do, the only way most can deal with it is to pretend the child has died, and having contact 10 or 20 years later is just too much to handle, it opens all the wounds. I can only say that most mothers never wanted to give their child up, and that they live with their situation EVERY day until they die.

Answer 4

Well, I feel for these women..

I have never had the "crack __" mentality of birth moms

My "image" of a bmom was not always 100% correct, but I can honestly say it wasn't the "Crack __" It was more like:

a normal teenager who gets pregnant, and isn't ready to be a mother... who decides to have the baby and put it for adoption rather than abort.. I DO think more young women need to be encouraged/enabled to parent, but I will always respect any who chose adoption over abortion..abortion as birth control is murder and needs to be stopped NOW..  

So, that was my mental image of a birth mother.. I've learned alot, and know that isn't always the case, but it is sometimes, I'm sure... but that image was inaccurate, but not a "bad" image.. as a PAP.. I've never "looked down on" birth mothers or thought they were bad..

as for how they feel the loss, I always imagined that everyone is different, that some bmoms feel later that they've made a big mistake and mourn the loss of their child in a big way, and others, while they may have some regrets, continue to feel that it was the best decision they were able to make at the time, and the best thing for them and their child (at least as far as they were able to judge at the time)

Answer 5

It resonates what I thought of women who have their children adopt privately in the states or through agencies.  The natural mothers of children from foster care are a completely different story.

Anastasia this question was middle of the night so maybe some of us PAP's were sleeping.

Answer 6

What resonates with me is that closed adoption sucks. Like the last woman said, "Adoption should not separate mothers and their children anymore". The loss can be much more profound in cases where these mothers are denied contact with their children. Same goes for the adopted child without contact with their bio family. Very sad to me.

Answer 7

Now they do. After spending quite a bit of time on this board and seeing this video, I realize that not all first mothers are 16 year old crack addicts or women who are emotionally or cognitively incapable of caring for a child. *Some* first mothers fit into the categories I mentioned, but I think they are in the minority.

This video was very sad. My eyes are opened a little bit more every day I spend here.

Answer 8

Thank you for showing what I have come to find represent the majority of "birthmoms" I have gotten to know. Perhaps that it the reluctance on the some of the AP's who run scared and and don't honor "open" adoptions, which is just a term thrown out that has no legality to it. We are just as intelligent and well-spoken as they are. Once we get over our temporary setback, which led to relinquishment, they see us as a threat, although we've done nothing. When the adoption is closed, we are made to feel like we have done something wrong. They see bright women who in many cases end up leading the same lifestyle or better than the AP's.

Answer 9

They look like my mother. When I think of "birthmothers" I think of my mother. She is 60, has her master's degree in education, is successful, intelligent, articulate, and one of the most amazing women I've ever known. Sweet, strong, honest.

She loves her son and thinks of him every day, and it still hurts her - but she does believe she made the best choice for both him and for her. It hurts me, that there is a brother out there that I don't know.

I've never had an image of the sixteen year-old crack addict, I've always seen someone very much like my mother. When my husband and I decided to adopt, my mother was the most vocal supporter. She opened up to me about more of her experiences, and it has effected our choices at every stage of our adoption - because I do see my mother. We are making choices that will probably prolong our wait, some of it against the advice of our agency, but in the end - we will know we went about this as ethically and morally as we possibly could, that our child will not be ashamed of our choices or their mother's choices, and that we really are thinking about the best possible situation for our child, and most importantly, that she will always be in their life.

I think that videos like this are useful for everyone to see. To get rid of these stereotypes, to see the cruel and unnecessary pain of closing an adoption. To make PAPs and APs think about the choices they are making in their adoption. Hard to watch, but worth it.

Answer 10

Yes these women represent for me the "typical birthmother" God how I hate that term, it negates me in a way that I can not begin to explain! Suz is the woman who helped me find my way with my daughter, Mirah is a close personal friend, and the lovely and giving Claud is also my friend. I don't know the young lady personally, but her tears could have been mine. I know there are all kinds of mothers out there, including the stereotypical ones.. (I however am a pre-crack w***e myself lol) The very thought of any other woman going through what I went through or what these wonderful women I call friends have gone through is the very reason I fight for our rights. If you have not done so please check out Origins-USA.org and One Voice, NO Secrets!

Answer 11

I find it interesting that everyone who doesn't toe the party line and chime in with "yes, these are what I think a typical "birthmother" is" gets tons of thumbs down.

These stories ARE heartbreaking, but they are these women's stories, and no one elses. And others tell different stories, stories of feeling they did the right thing and don't regret what they did (and still aren't 16 year old crack whores) yet their stories are pooh poohed.

Answer 12

I have watched this utube before and once again  I could not watch all of it

I also clicked on Shars Story and again clicked out of it as I started to get pains in my chest, aching heavy hearted pains

Those birthmothers are the type of birthmother i have always and forever imagined until the day my own birthmother told me "No I do not want to know you"

And realized that sadly that she wasnt one of those types of birthmothers that ached and longed for their child back

And is it any wonder that still today I have problems dealing with people, after all my own mother rejected me not once but twice , if my own mother can not love me, does not want me how can anyone else stand to be near me..

Yes this is the face of Adoption .I am the face of Adoption, The result of Adoption

There are very few that have the fairytale / made for tv happy ever after endings

Think carefully before you give your baby up for adoption and condemn them to a life of questioning and hurting..

Thats what resonates for me...

ETA - Two thumbs down ? Thats so very sad I feel sorry for you

Answer 13

sunny, thanks for letting us revisit this video.  very sad and painful to watch.....i had to stop it 1/2 way through, yet again.

i've noticed a very big lack of responses to this question from aparents and pap's.

that speaks louder than words.

Answer 14

These women are amazing in my eyes. I don't consider them 'birth'mothers because I don't use "birth" terms, but they are who I think of when I think of mothers who've lost their children to adoption.

That didn't used to be the case though. For so long I felt differently. As if they really were crack whores not capable of raising a child. Thats so sad. I'm so happy i stopped drinking that industry koolaid.

I dig claud, and suz especially. They're awesome. Huge advocates for mothers rights and they're right on our side. Clauds coming to the protest :D

Answer 15

I haven't watched the you tube - but I can say that I have met all kinds of women throughout my journey to adopt.  I've learned that a birthmother can be represented in any woman.  There are no typical birthmothers - everyone has their own story.  Above all ive learned that birthmothers deserve our respect - and do not deserve to be looked or talked down upon.

Answer 16

Being adopted, I don't think of it as "my mother rejecting me", but a woman who simply couldn't handle this and made a tough, wonderful decision to better my life. I don't use the term real mom or real parents. I love my parents I have now, and will always have a special place for the woman who gave me life.

Answer 17

These are who natural moms are.....they could be any one of us under different circumstances.

What resonates for me is that some adoptive parents can be heartless and cruel.....with all the happiness it brings them there is ALWAYS loss for someone else.

The woman whose child committed suicide...how heart-wrenching.....I imagine it would be the pain of adoption all over again without the hope of reunion.

Answer 18

I would say this represents a percentage of the birth mothers not all of them.  I am always sorry to hear the stories of women who feel that it has wrecked their lives.  I feel for their pain..but does this represent birth mothers in general...no. I realize that my opinions are not popular however there ARE positive stories out there...not recognizing it is an ignornant stand point.  It would be wrong not to see both sides.  I have never believed that birth mothers are just young crack addicts.  I have always believed in general they were women who didn't feel emotionally, physically, or psychologically able to take care of a child.  

I am so tired of seeing only ONE side of adoption being shown on here.  You attack perspective adoptive parents or people who had positive adoption experiences. This video while yes represents a group of birth mothers it is very bias.  It is trying to show a specific view and not the full compass of adoption or birth mothers.  

Now feel free to rate my answer negative because it disagrees with your narrow view of adoption.

Answer 19

I don't know and I will never know. I do know that it was my selfish self that took advantage of a girl who I believe was in love with me, but not me with her. When she became pregnant and told me, I said I couldn't marry her. We met with her parents who very authoritive and dominating. Threatened me with rape while she cried hysterically and had to leave the room. Ugly seen. An agreement was finally reached in which I paid all the medical expenses and she agreed to put the baby up for adoption. Her parents cut off all communication after that and I never saw her again. When my daughter contacted me 19 months ago she couldn't believe I was willing to meet with her. I said why? She said the investigator did find her bio-mother but she refused to even admit she even had a baby. I would blame this on her strict parents, but I blame myself more so for taking advantage of her in the first place and being selfish. Thank God my daughter is sucessful but carries an identity problem to this day. Told me she never went to College because She couldn't come to terms who she was. Was her mom a bad person for refusing to even admit a birth or did she have the fear of God in her because of her parents? I don't know what's typical. People have said to me you're a good guy for meeting her. Why do they say this? I challenge everyone of them. She's my flesh and blood. I never forgot her nor would I ever deny her, but once my wife entered into this what an additonal nightmare it became. Some women to do pregnant in order to trap the man into marriage(use to call it a shotgun marriage)That's what her parents wanted. Ultimately, I am the blame for all of it because it did start with me and her. I think about this all the time. Enough rambling for now.

Answer 20

I have seen this video before.  Indeed it is very hard to watch as the mothers articulate the loss of their children so movingly.  Claud has been a big influence in my life.  I wish all expectant moms considering adoption could be counseled by these very wise and wonderful women.

The mother whose open adoption was closed was especially hard to watch as my daughter's best friend is living this h**l right now.  Not only is her heart breaking for losing contact with her son, but she feels guilty because she allowed herself to be taken in by boldfaced liars.  They promised her visits 4 times a year and photos once a month.  They closed the adoption immediately after the papers were signed.

So sad that no one was there to counsel these women who are working to change the corrupt infant adoption system in the US.  So sad that women continue to be maniputed by agencies and facilitators.

Answer 21

Due to past negative experiences in answering questions like these here, I hesitate to give my opinion, however, know by doing so I am not exercising my true right and opinions on this subject.

Over and Over again, I feel that there are "sides" when it comes to these questions. I feel that the AP's are bashed for their opinions, if it does not "suit" the person asking the question.

I think what we need to realize in this forum, is that there are two sides to a coin. Two opinions, many different circumstances, etc.

After I watched the video, I recognized what I have always thought is true with some birthmothers............The ultimate loss in life.  While I don't believe that this is a representation of all birthmothers, I do believe that they all experience that feeling throughout their lives.  I DO not believe that all BM's are crack whores, instead, mostly, girls/women who make a decision to have s*x, and get themselves in to a situation that is not planned, and are "stuck"......then, due to lack of information, parents who do not care or are embarrassed, or are not involved in their children's lives, force BM's to make hasty decisions without much direction. I DO not believe ALL agencies are bad.  Many counsel BM's as well as AP's.

As a AP, I would like to know "How I should feel" about these types of questions.  I too have experienced the loss of children, in a different way, but the loss is still a loss.  All my husband and I EVER wanted was to be parents, and we are pretty darn good ones if you ask me! Remember, it was our daughter's BM who made her adoption decision, as unfortunate as it is!!!,  We are here to try and pick up the pieces, fulfill our dream of parenting, and hopefully, give our daughter a nice life. I understand that there will be challenges for our daughter along the way. I just need to stay the course. We have an agreement, I keep up my end of the bargain with her BM, sending letters and pictures as she requested up to twice a year thru our agency. (She has not sent anything to our daughter to date) Almost a year now. I am hopeful and pray for any information I can obtain for her, I know one day, she will value it as if it were gold.

All I want is for my daughter to grow up and become a confident, well rounded, woman, no matter what she decides to do with her life, I understand, that at some point, it will be "her life", her decisions, etc., Until then, I can only do my best to guide her in a responsible manner.

Again, I cannot relate to the unfortunate experiences these women have had, in giving up a child, but have lost children in my life, and the pain is very much still there....I do feel compassion for them all, and do realize that there is a need for reform in many areas of adoption. WE all need to begin thinking more about the adoptee, and what their rights should be, when they have a need for information about their heritage.

Answer 22

sunny, you mean no crack-pipe???

sounds like most first moms if know! ironically, many of these women have achieved more success and are more educated then the people who purported to have been "better parents."  now, only if they were supported...

Answer 23

Did you see me? I was the crack w***e slumped over sitting on the floor. Just kidding. this is it people. The mothers most people don't want to know. Much easier to make things up than look them in the eye. These women are just plain every day women. Kinda like me!!!!

Answer 24

They are very much my idea of the "typical birthmother". Why? Because they speak words from my own heart.

"As far as how the adoption has impacted my life, from my sleep to my eating habits, the man I chose to marry, to the career I have, to the homes I have purchased, to the friends I have selected, to... every aspect of my life was impacted significantly by the trauma of loosing my daughter to adoption."

My son has a peanut allergy. He has been out of my house for nearly 11 years. I still don't allow peanut products in my home. I can not and never will stop being his mother, someday he could pop up on my doorstep and my home will always be as safe for him as it is for my girls.

Answer 25

Not a crack-w***e or abuser in sight!!!! who'd have thought it judging by the opinions of some here LOL

They are wonderful brave women and I have great admiration for those courageous enough to put themselves out there and speak out about the atrocious way infant adoption is being practiced in the USA today