Do u think it's ok to prevent birth parents from having a say in raising my adopted children?

Question

I have two adopted kids, and I have kept contact with both birthmothers. As the kids get older, (6 & 7yrs), both birth mothers are trying to be more involved in their upbringing. Also, one of them is constantly refering to my daughter as her baby (after 6 years). Am I wrong to feel this is unfair? What do people think, do I have the right to be considered her 'real' mother? For the record, I have always initiated a positive relationship with both women, and never discouraged them from involvement with my children. I'm just so scared that my children are going to grow up feeling like I'm not really their mom.

Answer 1

The thing that the birthmothers need to know that Yes they did give birth to your children, but they are not their mothers. Since you have kept contact (open adoption) they have every right to know about their children and know their children. But they cant tell you how to raise your children. They only have the right to see them. Thats it.

Answer 2

FYI: this will be a long answer. I grew up around my grandmother. Really with her, until I was 10. My mother was around, and I saw her on weekends and sometimes during the week, but I know my grandma raised me. I wasn't raised dumb, you see.

After my mother took me and we moved away from grandma, things went really downhill for me. I got pregnant at 17. More than once I've considered giving my daughter up for adoption. Not because I don't love her... there were times that I would have killed myself except that I knew I couldn't subject her to the life that living with my mother alone would leave her... but I have a lot of problems, and I'm not sure I'm what's best for her.

But because I love her so much, I thought, how could I give her up completely? Knowing that you love someone so much you could tear your heart out and give it away to a stranger is very hard.

My mother is my mother. My grandmother raised me to be a good person. She was more a mother than my real mother could ever dream to be. She was around more, and was there more, and loved me more. She was the one who knew... everything about me. She's still the one, even from so far away, who I go to with my problems.

Children know, growing up, who are their keepers, their protectors. And while sometimes the visiting parents, grandparents, whatever, are funner because the rules are different, YOU know that your children love you. I'm not sure that answers your question, but I hope it gives you insight.

Answer 3

Gosh that's brave of you, to keep in contact with your children's birthmothers. I wouldnt be so generous, in your place. I really do feel that these women need to give you more credit, and respect for being the kids REAL mother. They should be forever grateful that you have given a loving home and family to the babies they couldnt keep, and that you have welcomed them into your children's lives. It's time you were more assertive, and laid down some rules; you are not a foster mother, you are their real mother.

Answer 4

YOU are the mother. They have no say. They should not confuse your kids or make you feel obligated to them. Also, the children should know that YOU are the mother! You adopted them. They gave them up. They need to butt out. They made their choice. That is my strong opinion... You need to talk to them about bounderies. You are the mother, they have no right to threaten that for you or your kids.. even if just emotionally

Answer 5

Remember, you are their real mom you are the one who tucks them in at night, you are the one who takes them to the doctor when they are sick, you are the one who feeds, clothes and puts a roof over their heads.  You can't get any more REAL than that.

It is up to you how you raise YOUR children.  And remember, if you are feeling like the birthmothers are getting to close you can step back.

Answer 6

Yes. I think your feelings are justified. I would be the same way. I think since you stood up and adopted these children that its fair to ask the birthmothers to back off a little and allow you the mommy expierence that you've earrned. In my opinion they shouldn't be getting "that" involved , and maybe you need to distance yourself a little from them, not completly though. I'll keep you in my prayers. Good luck.

Answer 7

Wow! I think that is very generous of you to let them have that much involvement..Most adoptive mothers would find that sort of open-ness as a threat.  I think that you need to set some boundaries..I think these birth mothers need to understand that in making the decision to give up their children they were sending the message that they wanted their babies to have a good upbringing at the hands of someone else that they felt was better qualified...They need to let you be the mother..

Fortunately your open honesty with your children about their biological origins will only cement your role as their mom...Believe it or not..Your kids are going to easily see the difference between the woman who gave birth and the woman who raised them with love and confidence.

They will know..Trust me...

Answer 8

u r the mother know u need to let them know that. let them have a part of there lives but dont let it ruin ur life with ur kids

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Answer 9

I think you obviously have the right to make your own choices, but please try and remember that these children will never really be yours.  once you have had a baby, that baby will be with you forever.  they are a part of you, after all.  blood ties are the ones that bind.  feel lucky that you have these beautiful children in your life, but also give their mothers the respect they deserve.

Answer 10

you are not wrong. first of allthe fact that you let them stayed in their childrens lives is a huge thing second you have to make it clear to them that they are your children and they are only the birthmothers, that they gave up their parental riights and you are thier mother now

Answer 11

I have NEVER told my son's mother how to raise her son! EVER....I chose her, I trusted her to raise this child right, and I would never have questioned her.....

Wow....okay, now that I have that out of my system....lol....suggestion: tell them LESS about what you're doing. There's absolutely NO NEED to have them that involved with your daily life.

Seriously, you need to back off telling them stuff.

You ARE their 'real mother'! YOU are the one who is providing them everything they need, not them.

YOU legally adopted them

they have YOUR last name

YOU put them into bed each night.

YOU clean and kiss boo-boo's

YOU cook, clean, do their laundry

YOU hold their head while they're puking what seems their guts up

YOU are their mother!!

You are their mother hon....pull back with the communications. Keep it friendly, but without all the details of your lives. ;)

Answer 12

Wow, you are being very kind, i am adopted, so you are the real mom, all major decisions are to be made by you, without checking with them, keep all contact with the children scheduled, and limited, there is being kind and then there is giving too much,

Answer 13

They do not have the right to tell you how to raise those children. I gave my daughter up 4 years ago to a wonderful couple. We did open adoption, and I get to see her every couple months, get pictures and updates. I do not call my daughter "my baby or my daughter" infront of them. They are raising her not me. She knows who I am and she also knows that her adoptive mom is her ONLY mom.

At the same time I can relate to those two birth moms. They will always no matter what think of the child as there baby. Its very hard thing to stop no matter how much time goes by. Its still can be painful for them. But they need to learn where the line is, and what is okay to say or do around you and the children. And you need to show them where that is or they won't know. Let them know how you feel.

Answer 14

You are their mom.  Just as much as their birthmothers are their mom.  There were a lot of dismissive answers given above, and I really hope I don't do that too.

There is an argument in child development classes that discusses "Nature versus Nurture" and I think that is what your question comes down to.  Does the nurture you provide your children outweigh the nature they were born with that comes directly from the biological parents?

The problem with discussing "Nature versus Nurture" as an argument is that one would think in each individual case that one side prevails over the other.  I disagree.  I see adoption as a teetertotter of balancing the child's unique biological nature with the nurture provided by the adoptive parents.

That being said, if you wish to claim motherhood by virtue of nurture, than you also need to respect that same claim of motherhood by virtue of nature.  These children are children of their biological mothers, just as much as they are children of you.  Quit getting your knickers in a twist over that part.

As far as having a say, that's the same issue as if any other relative gave parenting tips.  You reply, "Thanks for caring and I'll give it some thought."  Then you do what you see fit.

Answer 15

I don't think you're wrong. You are being very generous by allowing them to be involved with the children in the first place, and they need to learn not to overstep their boundaries.

Answer 16

Yes its ok these are not their children any more.  They have no say in how you raise them. This is how it is when someone gives their child up for adoption, even if it’s an Open Adoption. The birth parents have no say in how the child is raised.  Your children birthmothers are not being very respectfully to you. You have been kind enough to allow them to have contact with their biological children. You are the one that has raised them, been there for them, probably stayed up during the night when they were sick, you are the one they ran to if they had nightmare, you are their Real mother. Though it’s possible they may one day question this they will eventually come to realize that it is you that is their REAL mother.

Answer 17

ABSOLUTELY!!!  Isn't adoption where the parents sign away their legal rights as parents?

I commend both of these women for putting their babies up for adoption.  In doing so they were being selfless and putting the baby first...They need to continue to do this.  I would probably involve them less.  Never could comprehend the birthparents still being involved in the child's life.

YOU are the REAL MOM!!!  Don't you ever forget that.  Your children are at an age where they need to know they are adopted and explained what that means.  

I am adopted.  My mom told me from day one that I was adopted and what that meant.  I never once considered anyone else to be my real mom or my real dad.  My real parents are the ones that raised me.  I did not nor do I now have any contact with my birthparents.

Giving birth does not make you a parent.  Loving and nurturing the children makes a parent.

Good Luck!!!

Answer 18

heres the deal, you adopted them because they gave them up, for whatever reason, it was their decision. YOU are their mother, take their words as advice, like you always get as a mother, even if you dont want or need it. maybe she does have some good ideas, but you are the mom. your heart, the courts, and even they have said so.

if these women wanted the kids to be their "baby" then they should have considered that before--way before

personally i feel it is extremely disrespectful of them to even try to dictate to you how to raise them. i have custody of my step children because their mom gave them up, (very long and ugly story, but in a nut shell, she was willing to take them and leave them at a mall in a different town, because they were too young to know their names and where they lived), when she tries to give me advice or tell me how to raise them i just smile and say "oh yeah, whatever" she gets pissed, but i am the one that has taken care of them since they were infants and a toddler.not her.

it may be time to take them aside and remind them you appreciate their thoughts, but you will raise them as you see fit.  period

good luck, i will keep my fingers crossed for you

Answer 19

For one did they sign their rights over to you or was it through an agency?

Either way they gave up their kid and have no right to how they are brought up. Refere to the mothers as Aunty Who ever name.   You have the right to tell the kids that you are their mom.

Their real mother is the one who raised them not hte one who gave birth and got rid of them.

Take the moms aside and explain to them that you want them to be known as a close family friend or Aunt to the kids, and that you are their mother and when the time comes and the kids ask about their biological mother then you will explain cause thats their right to know when they get older and ask about it.

They are too little to understand 100% right now and dont need to be told two stories.

. If they wanted to be a mother and raise their baby they should have kept them and been a REAL mother.