Do we still have a chance?

Question

My life is a little complicated but if ever i'm to make it i need to talk to someone. I've been engaged to my man for 2 years and we dated 3 years prior to that. He was always a sociable man but always had time for me before i moved in.

He then started a business and was forever busy, working...this was the beginning of my loneliness. He would spend the weekend couped up in front of the Computer, i would suggest fun activities and he would tell me, no work no money.

Our wedding has been postponed because he said he has no money, now his business has grown so much and i know even work for him. He now has millions excuses about why we cannot marry he has no time, it's expensive and sometimes he says he does not trust me.

But the real problem is that he has started going out a lot nowadays, comes back in the morning, drunk and smelling of cigarettes. During the week he goes to the Gym from 17h30 and comes back at 21h00. I feel so lonely, i just found out i'm pregnant and i feel even more isolated. I go out with friends also and create a social life, but sometimes i just need him. He says no, when i suggest things to do. Recently he said he was going to a business meeting in the weekend and asked me to book a place for him, i aksed to come and he said he can't work when i'm there. At that time i lost my sister, he went anyway. i then found out he never arrived. he was at a party and cannot even say where he slept.

I'm at a loss for words, i really do not know what to do. Counselling he refuses and talking he despises...help

Answer 1

Short answer to this is.....  Yes you do still have a chance.

It's tough!  It's going to be tough for a while.  Pregnancy isn't an easy thing to have to go through at times like this.  With hormones & body adjustment going through all sorts.  I am not sure if you have been pregnant before, but it can really make us, women, face all kinds of issues especially about being a woman & mother issues.

First off...  Even if he disagree to counseling, what is stopping you from getting professional help for YOU?  It's time to focus on yourself, I think.  Find some help so that you deal with all kinds of issue arising with that support.  Find strength and clarity within yourself through that help.  It  will make it much easier not to be drawn into drama nor pushed into aggrevating your current situation.  Let go, focus of loving you and the coming baby.  One thing at a time .....  Bite size make things much easier to handle.

I think you have multi-fold situation here.  Most of us have an intimacy hurdle (major one) about 5 years into a relationship.  This is where you are now.

It sounds to me that your man has (or at least had, before he got a bit lost in it) certain believe systems about what being a man and being a husband is.  One of which is his ability to provide.  He showed this by getting into new business and focus everything into it.  To him, he is being 'the man' and work hard to provide.  That's his way of loving you, believe it or not!?  I know it is so hard for you. As women, we show & receive love differently.  I can't see how working so hard, keeping themselves away from us is love!  

You man seems to also have problems with 'handling' responsibility. I think it overwhelms him.  This is nothing to do with you and it is not your fault!

The moment you moved in with him, you became his responsibility in his eyes.  His confidence is still based on external factors (unfortunately, this is so in most men -conditioning passed through generations) rather than an internal one.

I think you need to leave talking to him about getting married for a little while.  Work on yourself and your issue first.  Get some help.  Learn how to communicate in 'his language, if you want results.

When a man/boy run, do not chase !  Instead, focus on you and the coming baby.  By doing that , you are saying to him ' Me & my baby is the most important thing'.  Then gradually show him what he did right, that you appreciate how he had focused everything into building financial security.

He isn't strictly running from you, but from being overwhelmed by his perception of responsibilities and what it all means.

If some of this resonate with you, you can find out more about translating love and the dynamic & balance in intimate relationship in Dr. John F Demartini work.  There are some audio & DVD on these subjects which you may find helpful.

It's HOW you behave and talk to him that's going to count now.  You are the one asking the questions and seeking help - you are the strong one in this relationship, believe it or not !?  He is doing the running from the issue, hence refused counselling & not wanting to talk.  He feels overwhelm and cannot face the issues you are having.  He can't meet your needs at the moment, he barely knows his own!

Focus on you.  Work on your self-esteem, self-worth.  ( Try www.diasa.com  or www.selfesteemforwomen.com  for initial help)

Know that you are a special woman in your own right as well as the special woman in his life.  After all, you have been together for 5 years and engaged to be married to him.  

Get that help for you. Avoid feeding the issues (nor him) with your energy & focus.  Set him a good example.  Tell him & show him that you love him, unconditionally without any expectations.  You can do this calmly, help him translate your love also by telling him e.g. 'I have made your favourite meal for you today, I see that you are working so hard.  I love you.' (just an example, do what is normal and natural for you); then leave it.  Learn the joy of giving (not giving to get) and teach him by example how to do this.

You are going to need a lot of patience.  I think you have the strength.  With a little help, you will manage a great outcome for you .  At worst, you will come through this  a strong vibrant woman.

What have you got to loose?

& remember, being in the position of  nothing to loose, is the most powerful place to be!

Best of luck,  may the gentle strength of love be with you.

Answer 2

cheating big time... i'm sorry  =(

Answer 3

Sorry. But I'd just sit him down, level with him and leave. Sue him for child support and be done with it. It's not like he's going to suddenly be a better person.

Here's my best advice to you:

Would you tell your child to stay in this relationship? If you do, then that's what you're telling them is alright.

Good luck!

Answer 4

You love him but he's not really good husband material

He doesn't want to change and won't

It will take time and some hard knocks to possibly make him see the light and even think to make some changes

Sucks you love him and now carry his baby

Seems you don't have much pull in this relationship

I don't see how it gets better with someone like this and unwilling to recognize his ways and change

Sorry, but he's no good

Unless you want to learn to be a saint and accept his ways and be thankful when he wants to be with you, its just going to be more pain

He's an idiot, he's the reason people around the world hate us shallow, selfish, ignorant Americans (we aren't all like that)