Do you Think Adoptees Are Afraid to Speak about How it Feels to Grow up Adopted?

Question

Because of the nasties and bullies, who call them 'angry nut balls' etc just for speaking their truths

I was a closeted adoptee for many years because of the nasties who want to silence the adopted who don't conform to what society dictates.

Do you think it takes alot of stength to 'swim against the tide' and speak your truth despite adversity?

Are you shocked just how much ANTI-ADOPTEE propoganda floats around adoptionland? Kinda like the old-fashioned 'children should be seen and not heard' (even if those children happen to be adults)

1 second ago - 3 days left to answer.

Answer 1

I think so.  I think they are trying hard to live up to the expectations of their APs in addition to the social pressures of being made to feel guilty because they aren't grateful they were...well you fill in the blank (aborted, raised by "kids", raised in a third world country etc etc etc).  

I think that APs need to understand that adoption is not about anyone's expectations, and a child isn't going to fill some perfect pre-ordained role in anyone's life.  More than likely they will do the opposite of what you expect/want (and how is this any different than biological kids?  How many people grew up and were exactly how their parents wanted them to be?  And how many of those people are actually truly happy in their lives??).  

Society, well I could go on and on about that.  For someone to even THINK (let alone say) that a person should be grateful they weren't aborted is crazy, and suppresses two different types of people, the people who are not grateful they were adopted (and those people should be grateful, nor should they feel guilty for not feeling grateful) and those women who have actually had an abortion.  Adoption is only created out of a significant LOSS, and should be treated as such.  Not saying that we need to go around patting adoptees on the back and comforting them about the loss, but we should make it somehow taboo to mention gratitude in any conversation about adoption.  

Adoptees should be treated equally and should be ENCOURAGED to speak out about their own experiences with adoption.  Good and bad.  How are we supposed to learn from our past when we are unwilling to listen to a whole group of people who are scarred from choices that were out of their control?  

Answer 2

Dear Heather,

My answer is for all people, not just Adoptees.

I think that there are some who are and some who aren't. Some who will only in certain situations with certain people. Some who can only tell their truths in private in a diary and others who prefer to blog it to the world. There are some who express themselves through art an some who do it through music. Some who write poetry about it and some who only dream about telling the world how they feel. There are some who will tell anyone and some who never let anyone inside to hear their stories an feelings. Some show themselves through their actions and some who show the opposite of what they feel. There are some who express themselves in one of these ways and some who use a "multi-media" approach. Some who start out one way and end up another.  Some people need time to build up the courage and others have been abused to the point of becoming silent. Some have support and understanding and some receive scorn and ridicule. Some just can't take any more and others will never, EVER give up.

Everyone is different, but we're all in this together.

  

Answer 3

I was adopted as a newborn.  I am now an adult and have never been called an angry nut ball nor have I ever met a nasty or bully because of it.    I'm not sure what society dictates toward adopted people and what kind of truth I should be speaking out.  I have never, ever heard of anti-adoptee propaganda.  I have never hidden the fact that I was adopted and am proud to tell everyone I am.  You obviously have a lot of anger issues over your adoption and I'm sorry for the environment in which you've been exposed to.  I would not know I was adopted if my parents hadn't told me.  I'm proud and blessed to have been taken in by a loving family and frankly I don't even feel "adopted".  I'm sorry your experience has been bad.

Answer 4

Heather, I don't think that adoptees are afraid, but sadly adoption forums react bizarrely and hatefully when adoptees tell them the truth. They are prepared only to hear a bunch of adolescent whinging but when faced with the fact that the vast majority of adoptees are untroubled by adoption they tend to become hysterical. As a result, people generally don't both to participate in the dialog so it is left to a tiny group of extremists.

The problem is that we live in a world where children are waiting for families an ever  incidence of these wild tantrums has the potential to drive away families from adoption.  

Answer 5

No, I was never afraid. I had a mean girl in 4th grade tell me she knew why my birth mom got rid of me because she wouldn't want me in her family, but that was just an ignorant 10 year old being a brat. The same 10 year old found mean things to say to everyone in my class, not just me.

Everyone in the world was born with at least one thing to overcome in life. I have had issues in the past about being adopted, but if this is the hardest thing I have to overcome, I'm walking down easy street. No one treats me differently for being adopted. People have questions about it, and even if the questions sound ignorant, at least they're asking!

I'm 29 and have never had issues talking about being adopted.

Answer 6

Oh most definitely.  I mean who would want someone like Floozy Moonshine screaming in your face for simply trying to say, hey, being adopted hurts?

Answer 7

Dear Heather,

Yes, its never easy to go against the grain so to speak.  The bullies, low blows, and amount of anti-adoptee propaganda is still something that astounds me.  Adoptees seems to be told how to feel and if you don't, you open yourself up to a world full of criticism.  

Facing adversity results in personal growth, wisdom and strength.  No wonder so many adoptees are inspirational people:)  

Answer 8

Yes.

People don't want to hear that I mourn the loss of my first mother, that I wish I could have grown up with her instead.

People also don't understand it has nothing to do with my adoptive family either.

But that's just one side of the coin.

Answer 9

No, actually I do not think that adoptees are afraid to speak about how it feels to grow up adopted.

I think the problem is that NO ONE wants to LISTEN to how it feels to grow up adopted.

Answer 10

I'd agree with that.  Speaking out against the grain does take a level of personal courage and fortitude.  Plus, with stereotypes out there telling you how you should be feeling, I think it's only natural and understandable to grow up wondering what's wrong with you, that you're not feeling what everyone says you should.

Answer 11

I think they might be afraid. but probably not.

Answer 12

Yes - absolutely.

My a-mother always told me that we could talk about my adoption - but her body and eyes relayed the real story - the - 'I really don't ever want to speak to you about this again'.

So many adoptive parents haven't dealt with their own insecurities before adopting - and they too easily allow those to transfer to the adoptee.

When you have a child that has already lost their first family - they'll be buggered if they upset their new one!!

So - they shut up tight - and keep their mouths closed.

They don't want to rock the boat - and many don't want to go to those deep dark places in their minds - as it takes a lot of strength to do so.

They're told constantly that their feelings are wrong - that they should be grateful for being adopted.

I think it takes far more strength for an adoptee to actually search and delve into their past - than to just tow the agency line.

As for the bitter comments that are sprouted to adoptees here - I'm past being shocked - I think I've just become numb!!

I actually let their ignorant rants roll right over me - as I've had so many messages and emails from other adoptees/first mums/adoptive mums - saying thankyou for speaking out - as it's allowed them to see something other than the 'adoption-party-line'.

I've had adoptee's especially contact me in tears - relieved that finally they have heard another that validates their confusion. Not saying that they felt 'exactly' how I did - but hearing similarities - and that gives them strength and hope to come to terms with what they themselves feel inside.

I stayed silent for 35 years.

No one is going to ever shut me up ever again.