Do you believe children should be taught to write thank you notes for gifts?

Question

I have five grandchildren two of them are boys ages 11 and 9. For their birthdays, and other holidays as well as Christmas I always send them gifts or money. As I live a fair distance from them (about 8,000 miles) it isn't possible for me to be there in person, however, I do write to them and always include a special note with my gifts. They don't call me, but their mother does email me. They also don't take the time to drop me a short note to thank me for the gifts. If I didn't ask, I wouldn't even know they received them. I have explained to my daughter that I don't feel this is right and that her children should be made to write thank you notes to people who take the time to shop and give them gifts. She feels I am picking on her parenting skills. My sister in law has stopped sending the children gifts as she never received thank you notes either. She also told th I have made my point, but still receive no notes. Should I just send cards without gifts?

Answer 1

I agree with most of the answers above mine.

Here's a different approach though: Because you always made your kids write thank you notes, could it be that they hated it so much they decided they wouldn't make their kids do it?

Anyway, one thing you could try is drop a casual suggestion about expecting a thank you note next time.

Answer 2

I agree with you. My feeling is that if the gift is opened in front of the giver then saying thank you is fine. If the gift is not opened in front of the giver a simple thank you or colored pic is certainly appropriate. I wouldn't stop giving the children the gifts though - they don't know any better. You may just have to suck it up and expect to never receive a proper thank you.

Answer 3

Being an older child myself, I despised writing thank-you notes, although when I wrote them I knew I was doing the right thing, thanking them for doing something kind for me. I think by not sending them gifts anymore, you are laying down the law, no thank-yous, no gifts. I think you're right, you deserve thanks for doing something out of your way to show love for them.

Answer 4

I believe the parents should teach their children to write thank you notes. My mother always told me to do it whenever my grandmother or long distance relatives (all of them are live in another country) to write a letter or anything to say thank you and give updates of my current life.

I have to admit, at times I got really lazy and didn't do it. Just reading your story makes me feel guilty. I remember once my grandma complained to me that I should write a letter to say hello. Maybe you should tell your grandchildren that you would like a letter/email from them how they enjoy the gift or anything what's happening in their lives.

I would definitely teach it to my children.

Answer 5

don't make the poor kids write that's horrible

nobody uses regular mail they find it obsolete and with email all they need is a template so they don't have to think of anything to write their like you better if you don't expect a letter.

Answer 6

Yes.  Or phone calls.  Or emails.  Whatever the medium, they need to learn to say thank you.

Answer 7

It is common courtesy...if someone takes the time, effort and Money to think of you and send you something....The VERY least you can do is formally thank them.....if their efforts to please you are not recognized...you will most likely not benefit from their generosity any longer.

Answer 8

i'm a child and i write thank you's for gifts.  i think it's the proper thing to do.

Answer 9

I think thank you notes show manners. However, it sounds to me like you are looking for some sort of recognition for sending gifts to your own grandchildren. Perhaps you feel guilty that you are not actually there with them. Perhaps they and their parents are resentful that all you can do is send gifts, maybe they want you there.

If I were you, I would worry more about how the children are doing than whether they send you thank you notes or not. Perhaps you can make more of an effort to actually go see them.

Answer 10

A child can't know basic manners if they're not taught.  I taught my son, but my sis did not teach her son at all, and he never says thank you, and will take your chair when you get up.

Anyway, I'd try one more time.  In the card enclosed with the gift, cheerfully greet the grandchild, and ask them to please write or email you to let you know he/she got the gift and whether it was liked.  If you get no reply, that tells you something--the kids are ungrateful, and require no more gifts from you.

Answer 11

This is an integral part of training for children.  Learning to compose and write a thank you note is basic good manners and kids should be instructed to do so.  Their mother is neglecting this important training, and it is too bad that she is not responsive to your concerns.

If you aren't picking at your daughter, you should be.  Her boys will grow up without this important social skill.  What is she thinking?  This is a simple task---you just do it!

For the next gift giving occasion, send each boy a box of thank you notes with a letter of instruction.  Let them know that gifts need to be acknowledged and appreciated or the sender might lose interest and quit giving gifts.

Just because their mother doesn't get it doesn't mean that you can't be a part of your grandsons'  training.

Answer 12

Absolutely. It's a wonderful custom that seems to have fallen out of favor.

Answer 13

I was never taught that as a child, but I didn't get any gifts.

I think it should be taught by parents, at least an acknowledgment. As a grandparent I don't expect one from my grand children. They usually call me, thank me and that's fine with me.

Answer 14

I think your daughter is in the wrong here. She should be encouraging them to say thank you. I have 9 grandchildren and it is lovely to get just a scribble saying thank you, though mine live nearby and usually do it personally. I certainly wouldn't stop sending them gifts as they probably love getting them and look forward to their arrival. I don't think this is the children's fault at all. I do think you should talk to your daughter again as she at least should let you know the gifts have arrived safely. If she e-mails it wouldn't cost her anything to show the children how to do this. I do feel for you as I am blessed with grandchildren who seem to say thanks naturally.

Answer 15

These are not your children they are your grandchildren.  I think by inforcing your rules you're only going to drive a rift between your children is it worth it?  It was nice you attempted to raise your children right.  Sending a thank you note is nice.  If it bothers you to not receive a thank you note when you spend time shopping for gifts then by all means just send cards.  

I understand your point but it's sad you'd want to make this an issue.  You can't force your daughter to raise her children like you raised her.

"I have explained to my daughter that I don't feel this is right and that her children should be made to write thank you notes to people who take the time to shop and give them gifts. She feels I am picking on her parenting skills."

Why do you do it then?

Answer 16

Although thanking someone is proper etiquette, the giver should give out of kindness, expecting nothing in return.  Take it easy on the kids and just speak to their mother about teaching them to say thank you.  Notes should not be required from kids (or from adults in my opinion unless it is a wedding gift or something like that).  It sounds like it is affecting you more than it should.  It sounds like you feel like you are being taken for granted, which in actuality is not the kids fault, but something you should work on in regards to boundaries (with adults).