Do you believe in arranged marriages?

Question

Do you agree with arranged marriages?

Would you agree with sending your daughter off to marry a man she doesn’t know, to spend the rest of her life with a man who may or may not treat her well? Would you make her leave her family, her home, against her will, to make a new life with a new husband and family that she has never met?

It seems most people in western civilization balk at this type of practice, but really, how is adoption much different? We are taking our children from their families and making them go live with strangers who may or may not treat them well, against their will, to make a new life with a new family that they have never met. Usually infants have even less power because they are unable to verbalize, whereas in an arranged marriage, at least the woman in question would be able to speak her opinion and object (if she had that option). Infants don’t have that luxury.

Answer 1

You obviously know nothing about what you are saying.  

Would you agree with parents that knowingly arranged a marriage with a person that couldn't provide for their child, couldn't care for themselves, and had a relatively high likelihood of ruining both of their lives.

Birth mothers usually don't place their children up for adoption because they don't love them or don't want them.  The reason is usually because they are confident that the child, and siblings born before the child, would not be given all of the same opportunities, and the environment could potentially be dangerous.

Your argument above basically states that it is better for a family to be homeless or in a home with little food or heat, than for a child to be placed for adoption.

Answer 2

Your logic is a little off... how many adoptions do you think occur where the parents of the child were actively involved in their life and didn't want to see them go? Adoption and arranged marriages are two completely different ball parks. Children never get to choose who their parents are, but a marriage partner is someone you can choose and should have a choice.

Answer 3

If you want to compare the two, then you might want to change up the scenarios a little, such as...

If you and your spouse could not, or do not want to take care of your daughter any more (for whatever reason), one who (for whatever reason) cannot take care of herself and her day to day needs, would you arrange for her to marry a stranger?

You see, in both this scenario and that of adoption, somebody NEEDS to step in, when the parents step out.

Answer 4

This will give people some perspective, I hope....

http://www.a4everfamily.org/index.php?op...

Answer 5

Not personnel but what is taboo for one is the norm for someone else. There are tons of places that still do arranged marriages even some still here in the states, like certain religious groups.   But no I don’t feel it’s comparable to adoption. In some arranged marriages it’s been arranged for years so the person knows who they are going to marry. I also agree with lady bug no child gets to pick their parents whether they are raised by birthparents or adopted parents. Adoptive families are only strangers for a short period, then it’s the birthfamily who become the strangers, unless one is in an open adoption.

Answer 6

No. Because you will made your daughter's life miserable in that way. Let her find her own destiny and love, so that when time comes she wont blame you when her life turns out to be miserable.

Answer 7

Hi JustAnotherAdoptee,

Thanks for asking.  I see the correlations you are making.  I agree that while both situations are still practiced in parts of the world, they both trample on one person's rights to make somebody else happy, & in that respect, they are wrong.

Interestingly enough, the cultures that practice arranged marriages for their children, would NEVER agree to giving their babies away to strangers to raise, nor would they adopt someone else's baby in the style that has evolved in the U.S.  They respect the natural family bonds too much, and adopting another person's child is actually forbidden in some religions.  Would they love and care for a child?  Yes, but they would never take away that child's identity in order to meet their own selfish needs.  Families would step in first, whenever possible.

The countries and/or cultures that do neither arranged marriages nor infant adoptions to strangers, have the most respect for all of their citizens, particularly the most vulnerable, such as women and children, and they recognize their rights and follow the U.N. treaty for children's rights.

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 8

I know several people who are in arranged marriages and they are very happy. I do not judge them, it is a different culture and in all honesty, the divorce rates are much lower in countries that practice arranged marriages than they are here in the US where many choose unwisely for themselves and divorce. Like I said, I don't judge.

    One woman I know told me that once she had finished school, her parents put an ad in the paper looking for a husband for her. Many of her suitors were rejected. One because he was not at the proper educational level and another because he had a sister that was neither attractive nor intelligent and my friend's family did not want the sister to become a burden on them.

    My friend is very content with the husband her family chose for her. She feels they are a good match.

    It is interesting that so many here seem to abhor this practice when if anything, there seems to be MORE freedom of choice in arranged marriage than infant adoption.

    The point is that people are now relinquishing their children, not even to strangers but simply to the state. They sign away their rights not to adoptive parents. They don't sign over to anyone.  They just sign their rights away.  That's it.  There are no guarantees that the child will actually even be placed. Remember Elisabeth "Lisa" Steinberg the little girl back in the eighties that was beaten to death at age six by her "adoptive father"? He was actually the lawyer who handled the relinquishment and decided to keep the girl.  He never even formally adopted her.  Her natural mother had no idea until her daughter ended up dead.

It seems incredible to me that a person would give up so much choice for their own flesh and blood. The entire concept of stranger adoption and relinquishing to no one seems off to me.

    No, we do not get to choose our parents. None of us, but the fact that biological families have so little choices in when, how and who their child is given to seems absurd.

    And yet this is how we're told it works and this is how we do it.

    Who really has the power in adoption?

    Can we do it better?

    I think we can.

Answer 9

First off, no I don't agree with arranged marriages.

Secondly, I definitly agree with your train of thought here. . I don't know how our culture and our world has gotten it into their heads that its perfectly acceptable to hand your child over to strangers that you've never seen before.

Think about it- if 300 or more years ago we had tried to explain this to a very close knit culture- I'm thinking like Native Americans or a similar culture- and we suggested to a young women and her family that she give her baby to someone they meet a few times and than they would most likely never see the baby again, they would think we were insane.

"Children never get to choose who there parents are". But, most parents don't get to choose who their child is. Kind of unfair, don't you think?

Answer 10

There's much more freedom in an arranged marriage.

You know your history and have relationships with your family.

I've been told by people who come from India (where some still use arranged marriages) that there is still somewhat of a choice, if either party protests a great deal, the marriage won't be sanctioned.

Also, all the arranging is done between FAMILIES, not by social workers and attorneys brokering and profiting off the arrangement.

Arranged marriages--sure, whatever works for them.

Infant adoption by strangers?  Very last resort--in the case of abuse, addiction, or mental illness only.  I believe families ought to stay together AND help one another raise their own.

Answer 11

Arranged marriages and adoption are completely different things!

The first happens not because the person can't get a girl/guy or even that one or the other is submissive... but because they decided they wanted a person with a certain set of values that they share and with the vast amount of people around they didn't want to spend forever looking for this person so the families network to form a list of possible candidates and if it works out they get married and if it doesn't they move on to the next option.

The media often sensationalizes this practice I know this for a fact because I come from a family & area where this is practiced and I have personally turned down a few offers.(well actually all cause I'm still unmarried :P)

And an adoption happens because the couple are unable to have a child or decide to adopt 3rd world children who would otherwise been abused, endangered and may even die in childhood. The ppl who put their child up for adoption do it because they know that the life the child gets with them would be worse than the one they are giving them too. My best friend & his brother was adopted and he is happy and loves his adopted family.

But adoption and arranged marriages do have one thing in common and that is that they both happen only when the person meets a certain criteria, a background check is done.

It is true that there are cases where arranged marriages go wrong... adoption goes wrong... but isn't that a case in almost all things? A couples who found each other without outside help get divorced or end in homicide/suicide... real blood family relationships go down the crapper all the time & that's a fact of life.

so its not fair the bash the majority because of a select few although, caution is advised.

Answer 12

While I do understand the point you are trying to make, it is important to remember that not ALL adoptions are coerced (as you did somewhat point out when referring to abuse).  Some bio parents actually do "choose" to make an adoption plan for their child due to health reasons, age, personal decision, etc.  

Would I set my child up for an "arranged marriage"?  No.  However, I believe that an adult is able to make their own decision and should not be forced to do something they do not want, including parenting a child if that is what they choose.  

Thought provoking question though!

Answer 13

I would not want to have an arranged marriage and I would not send my daughter into one. It is different with adoption. What other options are there? To live in a foster home until they are 18 and then get put out because you aged out of the system and are now on your own without any family? That does not sound better than going to live with people that say they want to be your parents for the rest of their lives. Babies never even know the difference. They do not remember their birth mother. With adoption when the kids are older they are not sent to live with strangers. There is a get to know each other period. Children without parents just want a family of their own. I would rather be adopted by stranger than to be an orphan and have no one. They are still with strangers but usually not with someone that wants to love and care for them.

Answer 14

There is no way in hades I would give my daughter to an arranged marriage... and no chance on earth I would willingly allow my child to be adopted either.

End of story.

P.s. they are very similar, I actually brought it up quite some time ago. Great minds think alike, eh?

Answer 15

I do see the point you are trying to get accross, but at the end they are both completely different. Arranged marriages... that is horrible, and exactly if the person is of age, and has a saying (which they don't) but they need to learn to stand up and walk away from that... I think marriage is about love,communication, attraction,chemistry,all that good stuff...you can't just walk up to a person and say this is it. I really feel bad for those women/prob man too who have to be involved with this sacrifice...Now on the adoption situation, the way I see it, if the real parents werent or arent able to/nor want this child is much better to allow some1 who really wnts to care for a child and bring them up with love and attention. (marriages is not taht) is their culture ..And again those woman have an option they are just to afraid to speak their mind, how sad.

Answer 16

Arranged marriage and adoption are COMPLETELY different.  The baby didn't have the ability to vocalize being given away in the first place.  It's not it's fault that the parent gave it up.  Someone has to raise the child, so why not a family that wants a baby?  I don't agree with arranged marriages, but for some odd reason they do have a high success rate.  Maybe the women are more submissive?