Do you believe that before a man and woman marry. . .?

Question

the man should first get permission from his prospective bride's father? I thought that most people would agree with me that this tradition was well out-dated. But when I said this on Yahoo Answers in response to another question, I got the most thumbs down I ever did (17, as opposed to only 3 thumbs up!).

Explain to me please, why the man should do this. If you think he should, then why shouldn't the woman feel obligated to ask the man's mother for permission to marry her son (what's good for the goose is good for the gander)? Doesn't this silly tradition simply harken back to the days when women were not only considered the weaker s*x, but basically the property of their fathers and then their husbands? And, what if the woman's father says "no?" Should the marriage not happen, or should they show some defiance and go through with it anyway? If they should defy the bride's father, then why bother asking him in the first place?

Answer 1

Well, it IS outdated, and it is based on s*x biased assumptions. But gender roles aren't completely outdated, and probably never will disappear as norms; and anyway they aren't necessarily unreasonable (in a "what's practical today" sense) since men do still earn more on average, and women will always be the ones who have babies (have to stop work to do it, and are more vulnerable to being left with them and in need of economic support). So for young couples, where neither one is an established householder, it's still "feels" symbolically valid.

So no, I don't think he "should" get permission from her father, and I don't think she "should" get permission from his parents either. But I expect that it'll always seem normal for fathers to at least pretend they reserve the right to reject their daughter's potential lovers, and it'll always seem normal for parents to care rather less who are the lovers their sons choose. It's neither necessary, nor outrageously sexist to go through the motions of asking and approving, since it doesn't mean what it once did but can still be relevant and reassuring. I think it's a good pleasantry if each of bride and groom at least makes a gesture of getting the blessing of the other's parents, since getting married means adopting them as family.

Answer 2

Personally, I agree with you, that the tradition is outdated.  Maybe back in the day, when women often still lived at home with their parents and were considerably younger when they married, it made sense to ask the father's permission, but this is the year 2008- most women who are getting married this year have lived on their own or with their fiance for quite some time, and their parents really no longer have any control over their personal decisions.  They certainly don't need "permission" to get married from their parents!  They're adult women with careers and education!  To me, asking the girl's father for her hand in marriage is as archaic as expecting a dowry complete with gold pieces and livestock!

But, of course, there are a lot of traditionalists out there who still feel it's respectful for a guy to ask his girlfriend's parents for permission to propose, or at least for their blessing.  Personally, I am SO happy my fiance didn't do that because A) I am nearly 29 years old and completely capable of granting myself permission to do things, B) we've been living together for 4 years, so it's not like he has to ask my parents if I can marry him and move in with him, and C) I don't like feeling like some sort of commodity owned by my parents.  I am nobody's property, and don't need my fiance asking my parents if he can marry me, as if he was asking to buy a used car or something.  The only person my fiance had to ask was me, and I said yes!

Answer 3

It's just one of those sweet traditions that many brides (and brides' fathers!) love.  Many wedding traditions are still in place that have little actual meaning anymore.  The tradition of bridesmaids was in place so that evil spirits wouldn't be able to tell which young lady was the bride and kidnap her or hex her or whatever.  The bride's bouquet wards off evil spirits as well, and was said to bring fertility to the bride.  The veil was used to symbolize a bride's virginity.  Most of these things no longer apply, but we do them anyway because we like them.

Same goes for men asking for a woman's hand in marriage.  Many young ladies are their daddy's little girl, and while the tradition has very little actual meaning, they appreciate the thought and so do the dads.  I know my father was tickled pink when he was asked.

Answer 4

It is a respect issue between men. She is her daddy's little girl and one day when you have a little girl you will understand. Ultimately, the dad wants to see her happy and if the man is wrong for her then he, as her father, has a right to put his two sense in because he is only looking out for his daughters happiness. I would never marry a man who did not have the respect for my father to ask him for my hand first. It is a tradition for a reason.

Answer 5

My husband didn't ask for permission, he asked for my dad's blessing.  It meant so much to me.  I was 31, so I was completely self-sufficient and out of the house and didn't need permission.  It just seemed like a special sign of respect.  I didn't need to ask his mom's permission, because I wasn't proposing to my husband--he proposed to me.

It is probably old fashioned and silly to a lot of people, but my husband knew it would be meaningful to me.

Here's where I'll go out on a limb and earn the reproach of my more feminist sisters.  From how I read the bible, the man is meant to be the spiritual leader of the household.  Because I was still single, my dad was still technically responsible for leading me spiritually.  By getting married, my husband was taking over that responsibility.  So I was still my dad's responsibility on a certain level so my husband did have an obligation to ask for my dad's blessing in taking that spiritual leadership away from him.  Yes, I know that sounds like hocus pocus and I doubt anyone will agree with me, but as a christian, that's how I viewed it as well.

Answer 6

I do because I believe that it is good, old-fashioned common courtesy, something that is apparently lacking in today's world.  It is a polite gesture that shows the woman's father that he is respected and that his opinion matters (or at least it is considered).  

Even if the tradition does date back to those days when women were considered property, I still think it shows respect.  Traditionally, the woman takes on the man's name, and therefore joins the man's family, so that is why it is not needed the other way around, unless the woman wants to ask permission to join the man's family.  I realize that I'm way old-fashioned, but some of the new ways of doing things (like women not changing their last names to their husband's) really bother me.  

If the woman's father says no, in some cases, it's okay to go on with the plans (perhaps he is just very prejudiced--the prospective groom is a different race or is in a different social class, etc.).  But if there are issues that Dad brings up, like the couple is too young, etc., perhaps his opinion is valid and needs to be considered.  Perhaps the young man can work harder at winning the father's approval.  

Answer 7

There is no need to ask permission if she's over the age of majority.

That being said, it shows a certain amount of courtesy and respect to make the parents aware that you are about to propose to their daughter.  My husband had planned on doing this..anyways, that is a long story that is not really relevant..

We made sure that my parents were the first ones we told of our engagement and that seemed good enough.

However, if your girlfriend's family is more traditional you may want to go the traditional route -- it'll make your life a whole lot easier in the long run.

Answer 8

You should ask  both parents not just the father it is a respect thing you are not only asking to marry there daughter you are asking to join there family. To your goose gander question if she is purposing to him then yes she should ask. If her father is a jerk or doesn't know his daughter and says no then proceed. If not the case then ask what you could do to make him feel more comfortable with the idea. This is especially important if she wants her father to walk her down the aisle and give her away you need to find out what she wants and take them to dinner and ask

Answer 9

i just love the idea of my bf asking my dad permission before proposing to me...all the girls there must have been the ones to give you thumbs up!

well, i'm a sucker for tradition, i'm kinda old fashioned when it comes to relationship, i'm 24 and i think it is such a sign of respect to ask the father.

why would the father say no? even if he does, you should marry the girl.i think nowadays it would not be as literally ask the permission but inform the family that you want to marry the daughter.

Answer 10

My husband asked my dad for permission.  My dad said yes, but he also sat down with my husband and talked to him about what is needed to take care of me and that he is expected to work while I stay home with kids (when they come) if it's possible.  I feel like asking permission is a sign of respect to the woman's family and father.  And there shouldn't be any hesitation to ask if the man truly cares for the woman and the family.  The family will know that the man will do anything and everything he can for the woman he loves.

Answer 11

I think that since it's still the guy who is doing the "asking" he should either consult with both sets of parents first or together as a couple, announce their intentions to both sets of parents before telling anyone else. Yes in the old days it was customary for the man to ask the father for his daughter's hand.  I don't think that so awful, kind of romantic and doesn't nowadays imply that anyone is anyone else's property.

Answer 12

I don't think they need to "ask permission" as much as they should sit down with her father and let him know what his intentions are and ask for his blessing.  It shows respect for the Bride and her family...if you come into the family with the attitude that "we're getting married, I don't care what you say or think" how much respect does that show?  Family is forever...in fact by marrying your wife, you have become a part of her family and she part of yours...maybe you're not asking to take his daughter away but you are asking to be part of his family...think about it

Answer 13

I think instead of asking permission, the man should ask for the father's blessing. It doesn't diminish the prospective bride's choice, but it shows old fashion respect that a lot of girls like.

It is also a good way to win the respect of the father.

Answer 14

I must say, I agree with YOU. A woman is not the property of anyone but herself, and so only she should be required to give permission.

It's an old-fashioned tradition, that if you ask me, young women hope their prospective husbands will carry out simply for the romance aspect of it. And of course, they know their dad will say yes.

What if her dad said no?? In theory, she wouldn't really WANT the man to ask her dad's permission if he WAS likely to say no.

How silly. These are probably the same brides that feel strongly that she should be carried over the threshold, and I could go on and on about wedding traditions that exist merely for retail reasons.