Do you believe you have to love your family members? ?

Question

Let me ask this, do you believe you have to love a family member who mistreated you your whole life and is an abuser "just because he/she is your father/mother/aunt/brother/etc..."?

I recently had a heated discussion with an aunt of mine. My grandfather, who had a rough childhood, has always been (and always will be) an abusive person. He's mistreated my mother, my aunts, my mom's brother, and even verbally abuses my grandmother, and has mistreated me for most of my life (thirteen years I had to live with him). Now that he's getting old (and deteriorating), over this past few years he's always trying to talk to me or wanting to hear from me, but I can't stand his racist and coldhearted ways. I can safely say I truly hate him and have no love for him.

But yet my mother and aunt get offended because "he's still their father" and "he's still my grandfather". I truly don't believe in "blood-ties", because I'm not close to either side of my family and I really don't love him (whether he loves me or not).

And anyways, if I really don't like a family member, why do people feel so-called "blood" should stop me from disliking (or even hating) a family member? If I don't like someone, I don't. Its simple really. What's your opinion?

Answer 1

No you don't have to love your family, that's why god gave us friends! My sisters and I don't really know much of my dad's family and we don't socialize with most of my mom's. However, we spend holidays and birthdays and just time with the families of our bffs. I don't think blood-ties are what make you a "family."  Once you reach a certain age you get to decide with whom you associate yourself with, after all family are those who are always there for you.

I've only seen my paternal grandparents twice my whole life and I'm 22yrs old. My dad says we should take a trip to visit them, but it's not that I hate them I just have no feelings towards them since I've never really "met" them. I'm sure they're nice people but I don't feel any obligation to get to know them, I love my maternal grandparents and that's enough old folks for me!

Answer 2

I think replacing the time hating the family member with praying for the family member is more productive, actually. Hatred just blocks love and peace out of your own life. I don't believe family can be just individuals you are biologically related to. So many people try to force family relationships when they are getting no love and respect in return from their biological family. I do not understand it! Just look at the many questions posted regarding family in yahoo answers. Family should bring peace and love into your life.  I do believe that you should always be respectful to your biological family, but if they are bringing nothing but poison into your life, limit contact. I had a coworker who needed a new family for the same reasons mentioned above. She hired a personal recruiter and was satisfied with the results. (See Source)

Answer 3

Oh yes you do, if you follow the bible.

                                You should also love your neighbor, but no coveting allowed, not even with your neighbors donkey.

Why wont this thing let me print a*s*s.

                                 However as I don't follow the bible I am free to like or dislike as I please, I can also covet my neighbors a*s*s if I want to, as long as I don't take the relationship too far, that is against the law.

Answer 4

You don't "hate" or dis like him, you "hate" his actions. Just my opinion.

Answer 5

I came from family abuse and agree with you.......folks should get what they deserve and if someone abuses me, they deserve my hatered or dislike at least.  If they want my 'love/respect', they will have to earn it again.  It's not about revenge or getting even - it's just common old justice and bad people need to be held accountable regardless of what their title (mom, dad, gramps, president, etc.) is in life.

After all, my dad, mom, etc. are no better or priveleged than me when it comes to being responsible and accountable for their deeds!

Answer 6

i don't think they're asking you to love him. i also know it's hard to forgive him, but doing so will really help. if you really can't forgive him, at least say nothing bad against him in front of other family members. i'm sure they know how abusive your grandpa were to them and to you, and you don't need to remind them of that. if you really can't see him cause you really really hate him, then don't. but i hope you change your mind and at least give him a chance to see you before he leaves the world. no matter how bad and cruel a person is, i'm sure there's always a good side left in him/her. so, go and see him; if not as a grandchild, at least as a person who still knows how to pay respect even to someone who hasn't been blessed enough to be nice to the people around him. im sure he has served you a great lesson in life. each person that has become part our lives was for a purpose. he has served his.

good luck! =)

Answer 7

There are many definitions and kinds of "love".

You can't choose your relatives... at best you tolerate them.

Learn to just show up when required and do the face-time... you can be present enough to nod or say "uh-huh"... you do this in the name of being civilized and sociable, and it doesn't take that much effort.

If they are abusive to you, you need to tell your parents precisely that, and that you don't have to put up with any abuse. Make arrangements to stay behind when they head over to that relative's house. You can even manage to go stay with friends on these occasions.

Answer 8

An eye for an eye is that what you are saying.  Because your grandfather mistreated you, it is OK for you to mistreat him by not going to visit him or call him.

That's the way a child thinks.  You didn't say how old you are but I am thinking you are a teenager.   When you treat other people badly, you are hurting yourself more than you are them.  Hate does that to a person.

Do you think you are perfect? I don't think so neither was your grandfather.  No one is perfect.  So why do we continue to criticize others, hold grudges and hate someone for not being perfect.  If we all did that, what kind of world would we live in?  Everyone would hate everyone and the world would be void of love.

What a pity to hold a grudge, what a pity to hate, what a waste of time to feel sorry for yourself.

No you don't have to love anyone but then who will love you?  Those people who do not take an eye for an eye and had rather love than hate.  Those people who know it's best to forgive others so you will be forgiven.    

Answer 9

You definitely do not have to love your family just because they're blood relatives.  I have a pathetic example from my own family.  My daughter lies, cheats, manipulates people, steals money from family and friends, and has a negative, "poor me," attitude.  She wasn't raised to be this way, but she got in with a crowd that does cocaine, pot, xanax, and anything else they can get their hands on.  Oh, I should add that she's 42 years old, divorced from a sweet man, and recently gave birth to my only grandchild....father of the child is "unknown."    

I do love my daughter, but I don't like her one eensy-weensy bit.  I've pretty much shut her out of my life because of her negativity.  I don't allow negative people (or lying thieves) into my close circle.  

I get to see my granddaughter when a family friend can get her for an afternoon.  Granddaughter is an absolutely delightful little girl.  My daughter has a pistol and has told me she'll shoot me if I go to her house.  

Answer 10

These are things you lived through, your mom and aunt should respect the way you feel. maybe you should confront your grandfather, let him know how mean and abusive  he was to you, and you can not find it in your heart to care about him.  the respect he did not give to others is the only thing he should expect back from the people he hurt.  Just because he had it hard did not mean he had to make it hard for others.

Answer 11

i don't think that you have to like your family members, but they will always be a part of you, and even if you think you hate them most of the time, a second spend laughing with them and enjoying their company makes you question your "hate" i think it is a different kind of love with those certain people; just remember that everyone has reasons for acting the way they do, clearly your grandpa had it rough growing up so try not to blame or resent him for being the way he is

Answer 12

~ hi ~ ! First off personally I don't believe that because someone comes from an abusive environment that automatically gives them the right to become abusive. I think it's a cop-out in every way. My mother came from an incredibly abusive environment with alcoholic parents and was/is the most loving and amazing mother to my brother and I (we're adults now).

Secondly, I think you have to reach a point of forgiveness for the family member that is abusive (otherwise the bitterness will just build and manifest into your own bitterness). It took my mom years to reach the point of forgiving her parents, but once she did she did manage to have a wonderful relationship with them in their later years.

Thirdly, I will say I don't think my mom ever stopped loving them. However, there was a point where she had to disconnect from the abuse. She moved herself across the country. But, as I say worked to reestablish a relationship with them. They had to do their part by stopping drinking and then I was able to develop a relationship with them. I don't think the love necessarily DOES stop, but that doesn't equate to accepting the behavior. However, you can control your reaction - by doing like my mom and putting space between yourself and him. However, if you let the hate consume you, I personally don't think that's productive either. It's on you how YOU choose to respond.

I hope this helps..

Answer 13

It is a personal choice. It is also important to understand that everyone might not be gifted with the maturity it takes to triumph over past abuse. Hopefully you are the one to break that cycle and set the example of defeating emotional immaturity by being sensitve to the suffering of others.  

In you description you include:

"My grandfather, who had a rough childhood, has always been (and always will be) an abusive person."

Love is a commandment from the Divine, in my opinion. Love is a protection against the ugliest parts of ourselves. Understanding allows us to Love, Understanding how to Love is wise and prudent. You can always Love with a long handled spoon.

None of us is above mistakes or even losing our minds. None of us should cast the first stone. We are all limited by our limit to understand. Try to increase that understanding by Loving in a manner that keeps you emotionally safe, yet mentally wise. You could learn something of yourself in the process and increase the Love of self for  yourself to share with those more deserving of the treasure of your Love.

Liking someone is optional, Love is a requirement for your inner development, Abide in Love because the God is the Love. chosing to Love is the choice to be your own best friend or your own worst enemy. Elevate the purest,loftiest aspect of your ego through Loving.

Please shun hate! It will slowly diminish you until you become that which YOU hate, You could lose the Love for yourself with little hope of recovery such that you will not recognize YOUR own worth to be Loved by someone else. It will make you cynical and frightened of Love and Loving.  

The choice is yours. Are you bigger than this situation?

Answer 14

No you don't. You should but you don't have to...but he was mean and abusive and I know I would hate him to lol....

*budding author* go s***w your neighbors a*s*s and stop judging people. This really has nothing to do about the bible. You just sinned saying a*s*s!

Anywhoo

You can hate whoever you want. That isn't your mom or your aunts choice. You can keep it a secret to get them to shut up about it though lol. Your grandfather ruined every chance of getting your love and trust and he's getting exactly what he deserves. An apology or a phone call cannot make up for 13 years of hate and abuse. NO matter what the friggin bible says about forgive and forget. no human is a magic man like jesus was and yet people today expect us to be just like the man who rose from his grave, split water and magicaly healed people. Unless you are friggin high you will have that much tolerance lol. So if you feel like you want or need to hate him go ahead.

Answer 15

Love in regards to family is very different from the love for a companion. Childhood is so rarely something that people look back on and embrace as "good". Part of being an adult is forgiving the past & giving them the chance to show you they are different today. Your grandfather was very likely abused and became an abuser due to the rage. Now that he's older and found some kind of security he's grown to understand the effects he's caused and knows how to handle things differently.

No matter what family thinks about each other's ways, family is still family. It's a loyalty, not a "like".

We're all dysfunctional. Yesterday can't change, but there's an option to change tomorrow.

Irish Blessings.