Do you call it controling or being a parent?

Question

A 10 year old girl. Telling her it is bedtime and get ready for bed. Brush your teeth the way your should and floss. Don't be rude speaking to adults, don't speak to adult the same way you speak to your friends. Sit up at the dinner table. Not dressing like a 20 year woman, not wearing make up and the list goes on.

She is going into puberty right now and tall for 10 years old.

I say that I am trying to teach her to be a good kid, a 10 year old kid, my wife says I am controlling and I tell her it is called being a parent.

My thought is if we don't address these issues now it will only get worse as she gets older.

Answer 1

Depends on *how* you do it.

If you bark orders, odds are your daughter will tune you out.  The best of intentions don't make up for the fact that it's ineffective communication.

Good parenting is helping your kiddo make good decisions.  And having rules is part of that.  So have a talk with your wife and try to mutually agree on some boundaries - AND mutually enforce them.  That last bit means you'll need to agree on your attitude towards punishments.

For me, I'd say bedtimes and dental hygiene are unbreakable rules.  And rudeness?  No way.  At the dinner table?  AGH!  I feel your pain.

But clothing?  Oooh, that's tough.  I'd be inclined to give a little on her, ahem, personal expression if she covered what needs to be covered.  Better a bit of eye shadow than a flash of pre-tween flesh.  You'll need to compromise on that one - and to some extent, defer to your wife's judgment if she's the one taking her on shopping trips.

Right now, it sounds like your daughter knows that you are her mother don't agree, and she's using it to her advantage.  The only way to get back into parent-mode is to work *with* your wife.

Answer 2

you are being a parent. Ifyou don't lay down rules now she will not turn out to be a very good person

Answer 3

It all depends on HOW those things are done.

You make it all sound pretty okay in writing, in your own words...but what words would your wife use?  How would SHE describe exactly what you do and say?

You have to remember your view of things can never be anything else...it's always going to be your view, based from your experience and your judgment.

I'm not saying you're wrong, but just be open to the possibility that sometimes someone else may be in a better position to have a clearer view on a particular situation.

Try to make sure your wife sees that too.

Don't look at it as "one of you is right, so the other is wrong..."

Make sure that you realize you're both wrong, until you rightly understand each other...and can agree on what's best for your daughter.

Answer 4

I think some of these are important issues to address- but if you do it in certain ways it could definitely be controlling. Nagging her about every little thing she does wrong will only end cause her to build up resentment or rebel when she is a teenager- which would be totally counter-productive. Sure, kids need limits and discipline- not having these can be very detrimental. Children need to learn appropriate ways of behaving and that they can't have their own way all of the time. However, there needs to be a balance- having over the top limits can be just as harmful as having no limits at all. Good parenting is not about controlling your child- it's about teaching them.

Answer 5

being a parent... if u dont address these issues now then its going to be to hard for all parties involved to do it later... its how me and all my friends got tought and we turned out just fine:-)... its when u dont see reason that you become controlling..like not being about to go go out with friends  or do anything a normal kid can do.... good luck

Answer 6

You are wrong. First - a 10yo should decide for herself when she is tired enough to go to bed. You can tell her "Bedtime is between 9 and 10, you decide when you are tired and want to sleep". Give her choice so she feels she controls her life. Read http://www.amazon.com/Between-Parent-Chi... this or some of Haim Ginott's books. Learn how to be a parent. Controling is not parenting - it's simply proving that you are someone's God. Well, you can't be. this girl will obey a little more and finally will stop obeying. every teen stops eventually. You have to be her friend, not her enemy. If this is what you cal parenting, than yes, you should be her friend and she is allowed to talk to you the way she talks to her friends. giving her stupid orders (sit at the dinner table) won't make her responsible, mature person. At 10 she is not a baby anymore. She should decide for herself things which don't change her life dramatically. Does it really matter if she goes to bed at 9 or 10? Does it matter if she has dinner in front of the Tv once a week? Does it matter if shewears make up?

OK, dressing properly is important but you psh it too hard.

Answer 7

Well... I think the perfect approach is somewhere in the middle.  Kids NEED discipline, they NEED boundaries, it's what keeps them not only in line, but feeling safe and secure in their environment, and less likely to make dangerous choices to get attention/find their own path.  What you want to do is instill good habits into your kid... once she starts learning to listen and remember what to do, you can easily back off.  If she gets into good habits, you won't have to lecture her each day.  But my dad was a lot like you, and I'm grateful for it.

Answer 8

My father was the same way with me and I tell you I could not wait till I was old enough to leave.  Because it only got worse as I got older.  Pretty soon you will be try to control everything about her.  I totally agree with the teeth, manners, respect etc..

but instead of telling her when it is time for bed, try setting something like between 9 and 9:30 you have to be in bed.  

Compermise on the make up issue, lite shadow and/or gloss on the weekends only and not in school.   Barking orders is just going to bite you back!

Answer 9

i don't think it is too controlling. My 8 year old and I have been in battle for the last year about the same things. I think things will get worse if you don't make her understand who is in charge now.

if she doesn't get enough sleep she will be grumpy...you will have to deal with that. you have the right to tell her that it is bedtime. if she doesn't brush and floss she might get cavities and end up in pain, plus you will have less money for other things...she isn't going to pay for her dental work is she. as a parent you have the right to tell her what is appropriate clothing. tell her that bad things could happen to her if she tries to look too old. let her know that the way she acts in public reflects on you.  

most of all...pick your battles. let some things slide, stand firm on others. my 8 year old must take a bath, brush her teeth when I tell her to, and that sort of thing. she can decide what she wears to school as long as it is weather appropriate and not stained or too small. she can decide what she wants for breakfast from the choices I have given her. a few times a week I let her have PBJ sandwich for dinner because she has decided that she doesn't like it this week. my 2 year old has to wear a diaper, but he can choose from cars or diego.

Answer 10

Sounds like good parenting to me.  Too many people out there don't realise or understand that a parent's main job (outside of loving and caring for their children) is to teach them how to behave appropriately, and prepare them for their adult life.

I see so many children my kids' age that have absolutely no respect, and it is baffling to me why they are not being taught this.  It makes it so much harder for those of us who believe it is important to teach our children, when all their friends can talk to their parents and teachers any way they please with little regard for respect.

Children can't understand where we are coming from as their parents, so yes, they may resent us from time to time, but when they are older and have children of their own they will understand and love us for it.  

I truly believe it is not our job to be their best friend, but to teach, guide and shape them for their adult lives.  Perhaps this is an antiquated view, but you only have to look at the difference between people of my parent's generation, and the majority of children these days to see which approach turns out respectful, hard working, well adjusted people who make an excellent contribution to our society.  Of course there are exceptions in both cases.

I'm sure I'm going to get a million thumbs downs for this, but I'm confident and secure in my approach, and as long as you are not harrassing your daughter, then so should you.

Best of luck!

Answer 11

children learn how to act through their parents. So if you dont teach her then well your are reliing school and the media and her friends. Ask your wife who would she rather?

Answer 12

my daughter is 11 years old and i tell her the same thing. i'm just being a good mother nothing wrong with that. so i think you are being a good parent. she is still a little girl if you don't teach her those things now who will.

Answer 13

Sounds to me like you are doing fine, unless you are going to some extreme methods ( not enough info to know that from this post)but your wife sounds like one of those soft parents that raise kids that yell at her and hit and kick in the grocery store, and tell the parents what to do.

BTW.  we are here to be our kids parents NOT their friends, being their friends  is what is making alot of these kids turn out the way they are....and no 10 year old girl has ANY reason to be wearing make-up...and a family eating dinner together and using the time for together time and talk time, is a very important part of being a family....its pretty easy to see SOMEbody here doesnt have kids.

edit:  after reading the rest of the posts, it looks like a FEW in here either dont have kids, or dont have respectful kids who follow basic rules.

Answer 14

Bossy is parents jop, yes, I agreed!

Answer 15

I'm not sure what the issue is here? She's ten - are you really still having to remind her not to be rude to adults and how to get ready for bed? She should know by now not to be rude without being reminded, and what she has to do when you tell her it's bedtime.

It's not controlling to expect your child to behave the way you say. But it is controlling to remind your ten year old of the required behaviour every single time it comes up. She should be well past needing constant reminders, and behaving properly most of the time by herself. And, for instance, always reminding her to say "thank you" to adults is counterproductive. She needs to be able to figure out for herself when she should say it.

Answer 16

It is totally being a perent, if your wife is feeling that you are just trying to be controlling, she would hate mee, there is absolutely nothing wrong with teaching your child (at any age) how to respect herself and other people and the importance of both. and I hope that you and your wife are not arguing in front of the child about this, try to explain to your wife that you just want your daughter to be happy with who she is and to be respectful young adult. although it seems like nagging (that's our job as parents) it will pay off in the long run.

Answer 17

Both..........You are being a parent because you are looking out for what is in the best interest of your daughter but at the same time you are controlling what she does and keeping her from having to think or make choices for herself.

By 10 they know how to brush their teeth and what bedtime is so instead just simply tell her ok time for bed and let her do the routine on her own.  If you notice she doesnt go brush her teeth then ask her if she did and go on.  You will probably be surprised at how well she can do on her own.

When it comes to the clothes and make up I am with you.  My daughter is also 10 and I am always sending her back to her room to change because I think what she has on is inappropriate for the occasssion......she is a kid and knows what she likes but I am her mother and know what is best.  I solved a lot of this dilemia because now when we go and buy the clothes if I do not approve it gets passed up.  She knows when it comes to makeup she has to wait until she is 13 just like her sister did and then it will be very light.  for now I pacify her with lip gloss and she is happy with that.

The rest you are just teaching your daughter manners.  All of my kids know not to talk over another person, to respect others, say thank you and please etc.  The oldest is 16 and my husband and i both still have to remind her at times that she is being rude by cutting someone off in conversation.  But if your daughter is polite and well mannered then chances are you dont need to remind her as often.

As a parent we have to give our kids the chance to make their own mistakes at times so that they can learn from them but we are alos there to teach them values and morals as well.  I would say you care about your child and just want what is best for her but maybe loosen the grip a little.  She is getting older and once they hit puberty their atitude changes and if you hang on to tight they rebel more.

Answer 18

I think what you described is 'being a parent' ..

You have every right in the world to act that way.

It sounds like the mom wants to be more of a 'friend' than a parent. That's not good.

Answer 19

Being a good parent and teaching good manners. It is important though to make sure your daughter knows you love her and as she gets older, allow her to become more independent, make her own mistakes and stand back some as she resolves her mistakes.

Answer 20

You are quite right. It's a constant uphill battle with girls that age, but it's for parents to try and be firm. Girls in pre-puberty need love and understanding, but they also need rules and clear boundaries. It's more comfortable for parents to stay out of their lives and just play friends, but that dosn't help your daughter. If you are sick and tired of repeating the same stuff all over again, tell her the next time she disobeys she will get spanked, and then if she persists go ahead and spank her bottom (or let your wife do it, it may get a little embarrassing for dad). That's how I do it, and it seems to work.

Answer 21

Well I certainly don't agree with the don't talk to adults the way you would talk to your friends. Why not? By doing that you are showing her there is some sort of divide between adults and children. Why should she grow up thinking that. Of course talk to them with respect, but talk to everyone with respect, not just adults.

I grew up talking to anyone who spoke respectivly to me.

If an adult is not being respectful to me or making comments then of course I will not treat them well.

I am 18 now and have always grown up having my own opinons and that one I have stuck by. And wouldn't you know it. I turned out just fine