Do you discuss adoption in real life?

Question

I discuss adoption reform in real life. I believe that others need to hear the stories like Noodles, Nyla, my own, Sunny, BPD Wife, and others. Society as a whole need to understand that we are being scammed. I believe that we living adoption owe it to ourselves to educate outside our world.

Answer 1

I have talked about adoption to many, many people.  Until I came to Y!A, I had never heard any negative views (aside from the books I've read...I'm well aware of the adoptee's experience, and the many negatives they experience, and am prepared as I can be to help my own kids through that).  What I mean is I never heard the negative views of adoption as a whole; i.e. the need for reform.  Then again, maybe I'm thinking of something different, because I also knew about the difficulty of adoptees who are trying to find their first family, and have experienced this on a small scale in my own life.  I've always known that these laws need to be reformed...I have become more educated about the whole process, the laws, etc. since my husband and I started the adoption process.  But I guess I just didn't realize there was this whole dark side to the adoption industry until recently.  I would like to become more educated so that I can spread the word myself, and so that I can make sure to be a positive part of the adoption circle in my own family, and for those I come in contact with.  To make a long story longer, I thank you for sharing your story, and I'm open to hearing anything that will make me a better, more informed person, especially with regards to adoption.

Answer 2

Yes.

Answer 3

Yes, I do discuss it pretty regularly.

I disagree with the scammed statement. Again.....not everyone involved in adoption is scammed.

Answer 4

im new at this thing...i mean, im 20 years old and just months ago i started to wonder about my background.

personally i cant talk about it with my mom..its very painful.

Answer 5

I do as much as possible.  Last month was my choice for my book club, and I chose The Girls Who Went Away.  I thought the book took place in an  interesting era in the US, not only for natural mothers and adoptees, but for our country's social history as well.

I was surprised by the response.  Three of the women were very interested, and asked a lot of questions about my story (which I didn't really want)  and asked what I thought of adoption today v. in the past.

One woman in my group was pretty upset.  She told a story of a friend of hers from H.S. (adopted) who got pregnant, and gave her child up for adoption.  She seemed almost sentimental about the loveliness of the amother 'helping' her daughter give her child away!  It was as if she couldn't admit that adoption is not a win-win.  She sort of pouted like she'd just discovered Santa was not real.

I feel it is my responsibility to little adoptees to be "OUT" IRL, as much as possible.  It seems to make some people uncomfortable, as if I'm discussing bodily functions or something.  I have to remember, that for 22 yrs. I was the uncomfortable one.

Answer 6

scammed? I dont understand that at all. Are we being scammed for being adopted into a loveing family? erm think not, but If i have that wrong then I will say my sorrys!

I only discuss my adoption if someone asks me a question about it. I answer as i would with any question. Its normal for me just just answer. People dont always understand and do try and get deeper into it with me, and I dont mind. If people want to know, then all they have to do is ask.

Answer 7

Yes, I have no problem discussing it.  Sometimes I can tell that people want to ask me questions about it but are hesitant & not sure how I will react but I have no shame talking about something that is apart of me.

I don't just put it on the table for all to see but if asked I talk about it.

Answer 8

Yes, I do.  Adoption made me who and what I am, so it would be difficult not to discuss it now and then.

I've been told this has been helpful to people who have no direct experience with adoption.  As in, "Oh, my best friend is adopted--maybe that's why he acts that way...."

If those of us who have experienced adoption don't educate others about it, who will?

Answer 9

I really want to answer this question, but it is too late for me to be coherent about it right now, and my thoughts are complicated (or maybe that is sleepiness--nah, my thoughts are always so dang complicated <grin>). Anyway, I hope you keep this open long enough for me to answer for real.

*****************

Okay, I'm back. And hey, a thumbs up just for saying my thoughts are complicated -- aww, how nice.

Anyway, it's a little earlier tonight, though I've had more to drink. So anyway.

I talk about adoption quite a bit, but not as much as I'd like, or at least not in as meaty a way. I talk mostly with other parents (including my husband), especially adoptive parents, but not only. Parents talk about parenting quite a bit, I think, and I often bring adoption issues into those discussions. There is a local group dedicated to discussion and support around issues of adoption, and though the original organizers (and I concur) intended to involve all members of the "triad," it is mostly adoptive parents and a few adult adoptees (one first mother a couple of times, but she moved). Still there is a very interesting discussion, and I and several others bring in political issues as well as parenting ones.

I talk about adoption with my daughter (almost 4) quite a bit, of course. And we read books about adoption and also about all different kinds of families. I'm working on a lifebook (a book that talks about a child's life before they met their adoptive family) for my daughter, which is rather slow going since I'm such a perfectionist (must. let. go.), but that leads to lots of online discussions and also I have organized local groups to work on lifebooks together -- and many times those have generated very deep discussions of how to present things like abandonment, preference for males, first fathers, etc.

I have a few friends who are adopted as well, and there we can get into meatier discussions sometimes (not that discussions with a-parents aren't), but not so much about reform, as that would be preaching to the choir.

And I talk about adoption sometimes at work, both with collegues and with patrons (I'm a librarian). A lot of people know I adopted, so things come up, and if they come up in a way that makes me squirm, or if something is in the news, and I have the time, I try to educate.

I don't talk about adoption as much as I might want to, however, and not as often as it might come up, because the reason it comes up is that we are a fairly obvious transracial family, and most people correctly assume via adoption. So this part makes me uncomfortable because I feel it is really my daughter's story to tell, rather than mine. Even when I try to deflect things to adoption more generally, rather than our specific story, it still seems like the discussion might be crossing into what should be personal territory. It is a little hard for me to discern this boundary, because my own boundaries are rather low and close in. And because of my job and just who I am, I seem to have "Ask Me!" tatooed across my forehead. But I'm really trying to set up more rigid boundaries a little further out, and comb my bangs over that tattoo, because I don't think it is necessarily fair to my daughter to discuss things that concern her when she is too young to decide what gets said. Very hard, though.  

And some of the questions and statements are so very ignorant, that I figure education is going to be a really long process for this person, and I don't feel the need to subject my daughter to the discussion ("hang on a minute, Mama's gonna have a tantrum, okay?")

So, I don't talk about adoption as much as I would otherwise want to. I do really discuss race, though. Having gone to almost all Black schools, I can bring that discussion around to my personal experiences rather than hers, and I think the race discussions, especially when done across racial boundaries, can slowly help to make the world a better place for my daughter.

Okay, not sure that was worth waiting for, but anyway...

Answer 10

Hi Amy,

I appreciate your question.  Yes, all stories need to be told if everyone is to get an accurate picture of what adoption really is, and how it could be better.  As for discussing adoption in real life, I come from a family of many adoptions and have several friends who are adoptees, as well as many online adoptee friends, so yes, it's a frequent conversation topic.  It's interesting how different the conversations are when discussing adoption with people of various levels of knowledge on the subject.

When the general public discusses adoption, it is usually from the perspective of the adoptive parents since babies and small children cannot yet express their true thoughts, and most natural mothers and fathers are in the shadows.  On the surface, adoption appears to be a win-win-win for everyone.  Many people have no idea that there is anything unethical associated with adoption.  The prevailing opinion is to say that adoption is wonderful, and that idea has been embraced by mainstream society for decades.

It's easy to see why.  The media specializes in bringing us stories centered on the needs and desires of adoptive parents, such as couples who try for years without success to give birth to children and finally resort to adoption.  We also hear how they can be scammed by pregnant women who change their minds and decide to parent their own children, or perhaps were never pregnant at all.  Then we hear of adoptive parents who must return children before an adoption can be finalized because the natural parents are claiming their rights to their children.  The media also takes us to far away countries where we see adoptive parents picking up their new children to bring back to the U.S.  The implied, if not stated, message in all of these stories is that everyone always lives happily ever after, the adoptive parents are better and more deserving than natural families, the children should be forever grateful and quiet.  Speaking up is the only way to educate people on unfamiliar aspects of adoption.  I might add that I believe many adoptive parents may have been victims too, scammed by agencies in ways they did not realize at the time either.  

It takes adoptees many years to fully come to terms with the effects adoption has had on us.  We cannot expect the general public to comprehend complex issues such as adoption based upon acquaintences they may know who had an adopted cousin, or stories they read or saw in a movie, without any direct, personal experience.  

Sometimes when adoptees attempt to explain how they really feel, it is dismissed as not true, or an isolated case, or explained away as a bad experience with their adoptive parents, when that's not the case at all.  Some people are totally closed to considering any ideas that go against what they learned adoption should be.  Others are receptive to listening.  They find that the more they learn, the more they understand.  I feel it's important to continue to reach people who want to know.  Sometimes it can be draining to explain things when it's falling on deaf ears.  By not speaking up, I feel that implies agreement with whatever is being said, so I do attempt to give another perspective on adoption that may be new to them.  I don't usually initiate adoption conversations, but if it's brought up, yes, I will start talking.

Discussing issues with other adoptees in real life, on the other hand, is far different.  Many have grown up in isolation with their feelings.  They instantly recognize experiences, thoughts and feelings that other adoptees have had & easily connect with them.  They understand being denied rights and experiencing loss and all of the other issues that are unique to the adoptee experience.  However, that is just preaching to the choir.  

You are correct in stating that in order to see reform, real adoption stories need to be heard in the mainstream.  Otherwise, old beliefs will continue on as they are.  Society will not support change if they do not understand what is wrong & how it effects people.  Thanks for asking & keep speaking up everyone!

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 11

I discuss adoption with my husband regularly, but not so much to anyone else.  I'm not sure how it would come up, for us, at least.  But I have had conversations occasionally with others.

Answer 12

yes i do. i dont walk up when i meet someone and say 'hi, im rachael, im adopted, nice to meet you'

but i do speak of it often. usually when someone finds out and ask me. i find it funny when someone i have known for a while finds out. they are so 'stunned' that i didnt tell them right away. then they timidly ask questions, like i am going to get upset. which i dont. i figure the more they learn from me the more they will understand and be more supportive of any reform that may come to light later.

keep talking girl. let the world know what needs to be done. hopefully in time we will be able to improve things.

Answer 13

I do.

I want people to know that just like puppies, adoptees grow up.  As we grow up, many adoptees want, need, and deserve to know our roots.  And it's NORMAL to want to know our heritage.  To feel that need.

Answer 14

I talk about it tentitively with my adoptive parents. Occasionally i will bring it up with friends or if they discuss it ina lecture at college. Most people are very curious about what it's like so I try to be as honest as possible.

Answer 15

Certainly.  My best friend is adopted, so of course we talk about it.  I'm also very open when the subject comes up in other situations.  I think people need to be aware of adoption from all sides.  It never even occurs to most people that an adopted person isn't suddenly turned into a non-adopted person upon reaching adulthood.  What I mean is that people associate adoption with children.  They are usually interested to find out that being adopted follows us our whole lives to some degree or another, and in one way or another.  Once people hear a few things, they're usually quite receptive.

Adoption is pretty common nowadays, and it's in the news and other media frequently.  It's important for people to hear from the people for whom adoption was originally instituted -- the adopted persons themselves.

Answer 16

I do within reason. Everyone who knows me as more than an acquaintance is aware of my story. I have friends on all sides of adoption so we talk quite often. I have two very supportive friends who I talk with.

I don't usually bring it up to strangers unless they are asking. But if people ask I sure give them an earful to think about.

Answer 17

mhmm