Do you enjoy scifaiku? Can you critique it?

Question

The Sound of 1000 Smiling Suns Rising at Once

by Victoria Tarrani

(08.08.11)

middle of darkness

center of the universe

let there be light.

galactic laughter

thundered millions of light years

and then there was life.

zephyr ((c) 08.08.11)

NOTE: Inspired by a question with the same title, but no poetry -- just looking for an answer... so here it is.

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Answer 1

Wonderful, the second verse is great

Answer 2

"Hi!",

I loved it. Don't quite know how Scifaiku works. But the poem itself i like.

WELL DONE!

Cheers : )

Answer 3

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

Later God said, "Let there be light." And there was light. And God said it was good.

God created everything - Yeah I know, He's amazing : ) I love Him for it.

Answer 4

As an Evolutionist/Atheist I find this poem inspiring; was this your intention?  Even though you used the words "let there be light" the poem has a big bang feel about it, as if life abiogenensis is the result/end product.

Answer 5

As Elaine said, there is no answer, but there is beauty. I cannot critique what does not need it.

In the beginning, thought created out of the darkness a light. A thought with words attached with power, creating in the image of divinity. The galactic laughter, sound of the god and goddess making love and smiling that what they had crafted possessing such beauty and such pain, which bears an exquisite beauty of its own even as it cuts through layers of humanity.

Millions of light years, we are still here, still questioning, never remembering in self-crafted sorrow that we came from laughter, and that unto that divine laughter we return. Let there be light, beyond this time and into the next, and from the next into this, all interconnectedness.

This is what I see, what I feel, thank you, Tori.

Answer 6

It is poetry.

There is no answer.

Answer 7

A modest assessment of the Creator:

Could an all-powerful God command a Big Bang?  Could such a being command evolution?

Could it be that we humans are too busy counting trees to see the mighty forest of which they are a part?

Is this what our too-limited vocabulary points us toward?

The true power of God?

Does God laugh at us when we squint too hard when we are looking for him in a universe that has his face painted all over it?

I like your poem.  A brand new format.  I love your subject matter even more.

Answer 8

The first scifaiku is a little weak..."middle of darkness", although 5 syllables, needs more depth, and of course, as noted by others, "let there be light" is only 4 syllables.  I liked the concept, but the words fell flat...I think you should try working on this...if you don't use straight biblical references, imagine the primordial void...and think of a way to express the last line in 5 syllables.

The second piece complied with the syllable count, but not with the parallel thought in the last line...the last line is more of a continuation of the first two lines.  Again, the image is fine, and "galactic laughter" is a good word pair, but "thundered" doesn't work in space, and the universe is about 30 billion light years wide (15 in each direction), so be careful of magnitude...you might also want to consider the word "billion" because it lies in our subconscious from Carl Sagan's famous remark "billions and billions..."

Finally, drop the period at the end of each poem.

I see promise in both poems...basically because the image you're trying to convey is a good one.  Haiku, and Scifaiku, are difficult because so much must be expressed in so few words, so the words need to be chosen carefully.  I'd recommend you keep playing with these a bit more...it's a good method for tuning your poetic ear.

...keep writing

Answer 9

It is a great poem. Keep up the great work.

Answer 10

This is wonderful and introduces me to something new. I've never read a Scifaiku before, so thank you for posting this and sharing this!

Answer 11

Great and I like it, you should start blogging some of this on ST blog.Keep em coming.

Answer 12

If you had planned 575 you only hit 574 in the first verse.

Perhaps - Comes "Let there be light!" or Sings(Calls?) "Let there be light!"

However in this free syllable Uni-verse-all style, which I acknowlege exists outside of my personal preference, it is just great Tori. well done!

Captured the Big Bang/"In the beginning was the Word" scenarios perfectly.

Love the Sci-fai'ku label too !!

Answer 13

I usually love everything you write, but to me (this time) the subject needed more punch to it.  Also the third line has only 4 syllables, should it not have 5? I know you were experimenting and this was not a finished product... only looking for ideas and seeing if what you were doing fit into the idea of scifaiku...  I hope I am a help in expanding your thoughts.

Here's my take on what you wrote...  I had trouble with the idea of laughter before life... In the title I like 10,000 more than 1000... however the universe is so large any number you use will be too small.

I am inspired by your subject matter because of my watching a program on this recently, related to Edwin Hubble.

center of darkness

middle of the universe

creation of light.

galactic halo

wireless infinite light years

absence giving birth

Since I know pretty much nothing on this other than what you stated, I hope someone else might correct me if I'm wrong... Bob

Answer 14

well i feel like you just left me confused and looking for something more mind,body feel idk  

Answer 15

Very nice.  I especially enjoyed the second.  I could hear the galactic laughter as I read it.  Well done.

Answer 16

nice. i like it.