Do you ever feel this way?

Question

If I can get honest feedback I'd appreciate it. The poem won't fit here, so I will add half here and half with other details.

A love-struck child walked the streets alone, found a lonely bench and watched his heart turn to stone. A smile escaped his face, then followed a tear, and with them he realized all his safety’s and fears. A smile for heaven, a tear for h**l, a brief relief when came the farewell. A beginning like all others followed by an infatuation of hours. A subtle dagger striking with the shape of different flowers. The child had two paths, and chose the one of risks and pain. Together they held hands through those bright days of rain. All voices scolded his path, all actions spoke only of wrath, yet the child remained as one and a whole: the epiphany of a human soul. Now all voices grace his cigarettes, all actions grant his booze and beer and all the child can do is sit on that lonely bench; life’s intentions made clear.

Answer 1

Your image of the love-struck child on a bench is a good one.  However, like many new poets, you chose rhymes that are close together.  You didn't use line breaks and hid them in a poetic narrative to create internal rhyme...but they are still there...and I think the need to rhyme may have caused you to lose the thread on your image...in fact, you have several images in your poem that are trying to compete for attention.  You could have condensed your poem to a few lines and it would have had more impact:

A love-struck child walked the streets alone

Found a lonely bench

Felt his heart turn into stone

Tears of fear, smiles for heaven

A choice of paths

He chose risks and pain

Yet the child remained as one; whole

An epiphany of the human soul

Something like that...if you go on too long or too far, the images get blurred and lose their effect...something to consider.

...keep writing