Do you ever hide your tears?

Question

I have been in therapy for 4 months now and I am not feeling any better, but worse now more than ever. It's getting so bad that I don't want to leave the house because of my anxiety is getting out of control. I feel like I am holding onto life by a thin string that is unraveling. I can't let my fiance know how I feel; I am scared that he will think I am a total nut case and want to leave me. I am so tired all the time, I feel exhausted and my body aches, mainly in my shoulders. I am taking Lexapro, but I can't really tell that it's working. I take ativan for anxiety, but I only take it when I really need to and I can't take it while I am at work because I am afraid it will make me too sedated. I try to hide my feeling from my fiance because I am afraid he will think I am nut case and want to leave me. It I don't get myself together, I am afraid someone is going to send me to the psych hospital. I am not suicidal, but I do harm myself. Please don't give me a lecture about it; it's something I have done for over 30 years. I want to get out and enjoy life, but I am so tired and then the anxiety comes on and I want to go back home where I feel safe. I feel safe when I am talking to my therapist, he is so calming and relaxing. I don't know what happend, it seems like I woke up one day and I was depressed, sometimes I think the lexapro makes me more depressed and causes me to have more anxiety. Does anyone else feel like this; what do you do. I am afraid to totally let go and let all the horror of my past out. I lived in fear when I was a kid and never really felt loved, my mother often gave me the silent treatment and I never felt as if I did anything right and I was a bad person, so I would punish myself to make myself be a better person. I need help, this is the lowest I have ever been.

Answer 1

Hi Layla,

I to have very bad anxiety and understand what you go through. I find it amazing that you are still able to work. I myself stopped working in Feb. of 2007. Soon I hope to be able to get back out of the house and enjoy the simple things in life.

I think that your fiance may know and understand more of what you go through then you think. Depression is very debilitating, it makes you tired and is very painful. Have you ever thought of expressing yourself to him? I only say this because somethings are very hard to hide and he must care for you a great deal. Being depressed does not make you a nut case, it is not the sign of a weak minded person, he must know this.

The reason they would put you in the hospital would be if you were a danger to yourself(suicide thoughts or attempts) or someone else. Self harm is not one of them. Since you do see a therapist I would hope that you have confided in her. You seem to understand why you do it, I hope that one day you will understand that none of it is and never was your fault, by knowing this it may help you to stop harming yourself.

Keep working with your therapist and hold nothing back. You sound like you now have loving people in your life. That's because you are a loving person yourself. It shows just by reading your words. I would imagine in real life your are a very caring person.

Fell free to email me anytime. I think people like us need to stick together and help each other. I'm a pretty good listener, hope to hear from you.

Take care and never give up!

Cella

Answer 2

Hello sweety. I must be of your age and trust me..ive been through the same stuff if not worse. I was sexually abused as a kid and could not feel confident about love for a long time. Then i met this guy who understands me, and loves me for who i am. I am sure you know that your fiance love you and what you nee to do is to open all those hidden feelings in front of him. One day all these feelings will have to surface otherwise you will go mad hiding them forever. And trust me he wont think of you as a nut case. If he loves you, he will try and understand the reasons behind all that pain. Love is the st powerful medicine available to us. Let him know you and let him love you. Once you know that your secure in life and loved all those anxiety and tears will automatically disappear. God bless you. tc

Answer 3

You should talk to your fiance about this. You don't want to lose him but if u don't let him know whats going on your going to end up pushing him away. He will be able to tell there is something wrong with u and might think you're unhappy with him. If you cant tell him face 2 face you could show him what u have just written or if he uses a computer email him it or you could just write him a letter.