Do you ever wonder if the girls you are coercing to parent instead of adopt could end up doing this?

Question

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,410865,00.html

Some women don't want to be parents. Why convince them to parent if they know themselves well enough to know they do not want to parent their child? There is coercion that goes the other way. Do you ever wonder if you are convincing sociopaths to parent who might eventually abuse, neglect, or even kill their children?

It's one thing to share with people your own personal experience and give them information but, we all know that people on YA adoption go far and above that. I hope you don't find out later in life that you convinced somebody to parent that really wasn't fit to.

Answer 1

Actually nope, don't wonder it at all.

What I am wondering is why you're hiding behind a new screen-name instead of posting under your usual name.

The parents who kill their children, aren't the type of mentality who would sit down and make an adoption plan and then decide to parent and kill their children because someone "coerced them."

Do you ever wonder why adoptive parents kill? Watched WE lately and the "women behind bars" series. Theres an aparent on there who killed her daughter because she couldn't handle her not "bonding" with her the way the other adoptee from Russia did.

Yes adopting to fullfill ones own needs is overlooked more and more these days. In fact, its even encouraged. Thats the scary thing. Thats what I'm thinking about.  

Answer 2

Are you kidding?

Have you seen the recent stories of all the adoptees being killed by their adoptive parents?

Recently an adoptive parent was stupid enough to leave his little Russian adoptee in a hot car all day with the windows rolled up because he forgot about him asleep in the car.

He forgot about him!

And don't even get me started on the adopters who kill their little adoptlings out of abuse, neglect and pure spite.

And do we even need to talk about that poor little Masha Allen who's adopter forced her into being a kiddie p**n star?

No thanks.

I'd say these days, it's much more dangerous to be adopted!

Answer 3

No.  I don’t.  I know there are women who kill their children.  Some of them are adopters too.  That’s not my first concern HERE.

I think it would have been more RESPONSIBLE for my family, pastor, counselor, social workers to have presented more information about early development and the long term pain of separation to me before pushing the idea that sacrificing my firstborn child to adoption would be a win-win situation.  

To extol the virtuousness of Bmothers still offends me.  If they are worthy of extolling, they are worthy of parenting.  They are worthy of assistance.  Their children are worthy of them.  If you want to do some good, provide nurturance and care to the vulnerable go ahead.  You don’t have to own someone to be of help.

Answer 4

I think people can be convince to do the wrong thing, and I think it happens a lot more then it is talked about on the news.

Answer 5

Oh for the love of...

"some"?

Try "very few."

But of course, there are people on here who will point out anything, no matter how true or false, just to get their way across the board.

Including this ridiculous claim that "some" women don't want to parent. 'Tis true.

Just not true *enough*. =P As in, VERY few women don't actually want to keep their own children. They might not realize how badly their parenting "skills" are - but they still WANT their children.

This is such a seriously flawed argument that it makes me want to laugh. A lot.

[The general public has been told that adoption is awful and shameful. Normally within the adoption community we don't deal with that sort of horrible misinformation.]

d**n it, girl, put your IM option on so I don't have to spotlight you out in my responses. -_-

... wait a minute. People are being "misinformed" that the general public sees adoption awful and shameful? No, seriously, did you just type that?

Enter the word adoption in Google. I guarantee you the first ten links will be all about how adoption is nothing but a blessing/fate/miracle. And if they're not about that, they'll be about how to *make* an adoption as the bestest blessing/fate/miracle since sliced bread. And check out those advertisements - you know the ones that say "save a life"? Yeah. Those too also contribute the knowledge that adoption is nothing BUT happiness and bunnies and rainbows.

You won't find anything about loss unless you directly type it in.

During the Baby Scoop Era, adoption WAS awful and shameful.

Adoptions that were the result of coercions from teenage women being raped WAS awful and shameful. That's why the Guatemala system was shut DOWN.

And adoptions from China? Awful and shameful because the government is an a$$ for not realizing just how skewed the gender ratio is and for how many people have had to commit infanticide on their little girls because of the overflowing population and gender preference for males!

Why on earth would I be an angry adoptee?

Oh, it might have had to do with being separated from my own BIOLOGICAL parents. Oh, and it might had to do with losing my mother tongue and culture.

Oh, and being taken away from my birth country and told to "be grateful."

Yep, that'll do it. Because you know, parents can be replacements and if you lose something that dear to you, you should never ever feel sad or upset or angry about it. Ever.

Maybe we should all be robots instead.

[There are plenty of women who do not want to parent.]

I'm in denial?

So should I go out and start asking every pregnant woman if they want to raise their child or at least keep their own child?

I know there are women who really don't want to parent. I am not stupid. I have heard of those types of cases where the mothers really do NOT want to parent.

The thing is: they're RARE.

ETA 3: Wow. I just realized I have been told I am in denial for... looking at the dark side of adoption. Interesting. I've been told I was in denial when I thought adoption was rainbows and bunnies, but not when I spoke out about adoption truths. Thanks, Suzy. I feel special. ^_^

Answer 6

Yeah, because I'm sure people make all their important life's decisions based on what answers they get on Yahoo.

*cuckoo*  *cuckoo*  

Answer 7

Well, I've considered adopting before, because I know there are many children that would love to have a home, but I never considered this..

Now that I think about it though, that's horrible. That innocent little child could have had a good, stable home, and now look..

Thanks for opening up my eyes and making me more broad-minded. :D

Answer 8

Ugh. Another question from an 'alter' ego. How do you take care of your little adoptees if you're here all day with all your phony identities...

Sure it's possible.  But there are MANY more kids who are killed by adopters.  I guess she should have "forgot" her in a hot car, that works for the people who adopt the Russian kids--no jail time!

Anyway, why not be brave and show your face, instead of hiding your fury in anonymity?

Answer 9

I guess than its safe to assume then, all infertile women will do this if more girls decide to raise their children:

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2006...

This is happening more and more as women are finding out they can't conceive.

Im sure what your saying happens but its almost unheard of.  I would wait until evidence proves that was the case instead of assuming it. She could have had mental illness. It still  doesn't excuse coercing girls into placing children when they truly don't want to. Which is a big problem all over the world today still. They should be given options and supported for whatever decision they make not castigated for chosing to raise their child which is the norm with agencies and paps.

The fact is most girls want to keep their babies but are not given enough support.

Fortunately the last of these Catholic House of Horrors was closed down in 1996.

The Vatican needs to pay for what they did to over half million pregnant teenage girls just like they had to do for the thousands of boys raped by priests.

Enjoy the videos.  I would suggest anyone adopting from China watch the movie because women are being thrown into labor camps just for looking for their children the never relinquished.

If its not the corrupt govt and agencies looking the other way, its the Aps.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qtUa-GxZI...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txYPkmEaX...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o082nN9n-...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cqRq20Raf...

I can't begin to even imagine what is being done to the Chinese mothers being taken advantage of by US/Canadian Aps.  It needs to stop before another atrocity happens. Pull your heads out of the fairytale book called the Bible as well as your butts.  

Answer 10

You said it all right here, "As flawed of an arguement as it might be..."

Of course, there are many adoptees who are abused and killed. Take a look around (http://poundpuplegacy.org/node/15716) or stick your head in the sand.

There is much more that I could write, but I don't really think that you're open to all sides of the debate.

Answer 11

If someone seems unsure about adoption, I think it's much better to recommend parenting. Adoption is forever; once the parental rights are signed away, that's it. If parenting turns out the be too much of a struggle, the baby can be placed for adoption later. For someone who is going back and forth and can't decide what to do, I recommend parenting, because of the two options that's the only one you can change your mind about.

Ultimately, I can't tell someone what to do about their own baby. The decision is in their hands. All I can do is give advice, and my advice is going to be not to make a life-changing and irrevocable decision if they aren't really sure it's right.

If someone KNOWS they can't parent, why would they be asking for advice? That suggests they really don't know. Problems-- even big ones like lack of support and drug addiction-- can be resolved with effort. If someone is going to make that effort, I will try to offer my support.

Asking for advice on a site like this about whether to surrender the child for adoption means the mother (or father) is NOT sure about placing the baby, and isn't certain it's the right thing to do, so I can't in good conscience recommend they place their child for adoption.

Answer 12

Oh right so now she's a toddler/preschooler she wants to do away with her?  We don't know the full facts of this case bar what we read in the media and the media is sooo reliable is it not in its portrayal of accurate facts?

Other factors could come into play here for instance PND and problems with the child's father etc.  Until we know more we couldn't possibly make any conclusion that because her grandmother convinced her to keep her child she went and harmed her.  Because if we go down that path we would then have to point out all the children who have died att he hands of their adopters/foster carers etc to provide a balance to this argument.

This is just a strand pro adoptionists want to cling to to say 'see, this is the result of keeping her baby when she didn't want to'  what a load of bs.

Answer 13

First of all, most of the women that have come on here asking whether or not they should relinquish their child have expressed concern like finances or single-parenting... NOT that they don't WANT to parent.

Statistics show that only 2% of relinquishing mothers are mothers that don't WANT to parent their child, even if they had all the resources that they needed to parent said child.  One of my closest friends was one of these mothers.... and she'll be the first to admit that she did it for selfish reasons.  She didn't want to change her lifestyle and didn't want to be a mom. Hands down.

No one here is trying to claim that every pregnant woman makes a gloriously perfect mom.  And in the case above, that woman was seriously mentally ill and should have gotten psychological help.  

I think that the process has a LOT of faults that HAVE to be addressed... counseling is one of them.  A woman should not be coerced into giving her child up nor should she be pressured to keep it either.  I think that mothers in these types of situations should have counseling available to them... counseling WITHOUT AN AGENDA... a way to figure out what the best course of action is without being pressured or coerced by any side of the spectrum.  I think that full education on the adoption process and it's after-effects is imperative!  No fudging facts or hiding the truth.

I think that if more first mothers were informed of the FACTS instead of pressured with half-truths, more children would be where they SHOULD be... be it with their natural mother or their adoptive parents.

ETA:  I would like to say something in response to Suzy Sunshine here.. I agree with you that there's nothing horrible or inherently evil/bad/wretched if a woman decides she doesn't want to raise her child.  

I DO however believe that it means something is wrong.  And if she chooses to abort, fine.  Relinquish.  FINE.  That's NOT what most of this arguing on this board is about.  What's being argued is coercing women who WANT to parent into relinquishing.  I think that's wrong.  If a woman WANTS to be a mother but can't afford it or is pressured into giving up her child to 'better parents,' it's wrong.

If a woman is pregnant and doesn't WANT to be a mother, even if she had every resource on the planet, that's a different story... and a woman that realizes that, well, kudos for at least recognizing it.  

It doesn't change the adoptee's experience, however.  And the adoptee may still feel the pain and confusion that some (not all) adoptees feel.  There's nothing inherently evil about adoptees that are dissatisfied or upset at how crappy the system is and want to change it.

Answer 14

This has always really bothered me as well. Why should someone be a parent if they really don't want to be? The child should be in a home with someone who wants her and will love and care for her. Sure, some people who were adopted have bad experiences, but so do people who grow up with their biological parents. It doesn't make adopting a bad thing!

Answer 15

I believe 100% that coercion goes BOTH ways and that situation can CERTAINLY happen.  

Answer 16

OK I read it and have revised my answer.

There is incredible pressure on women to keep their babies, particularly when it's a really bad idea. That is one reason why I hold birth mothers in such high esteem.

Until we are ready as a society to start honoring people who make adoption plans we'll see this sort of thing.

The general public has been told that adoption is awful and shameful. Normally within the adoption community we don't deal with that sort of horrible misinformation.

Personally I suspect that some of the Angry Adoptees here are straight up trolls who think it is funny to rant about adoption and how horrible it is. But I also think that some of them are quite sincere.

Do you they care if their anti adoption rants promote the idea that every woman should keep her baby no matter what?

Well, no they obviously don't.

Some of them wish they had died so that they wouldn't have been adopted. When you're that unreasonable I guess you think that Kaylee is probably better off now than she would be in a stable adoptive home.

P.S. Infanticide is committed almost exclusively by biological parents

Mei Ling, you are in serious denial here. There are plenty of women who do not want to parent. Some of them are mothers. Some abort. Some are birth mothers.

There is nothing inherently awful in not wanting to be a mother and at any particular point in time. It is very common.

You cannot read my answer because of the lunatics using and misuing this site, so why would I post my IM info here?

Answer 17

Interesting question.  

I think that what this comes down to is how responsible are Y! Answers respondants being when it comes to dispensing advice?  

Speaking in a general sense, it can be damaging.  If someone posts thinking of suicide and takes the "advice" of someone who says flush all of your meds down the toilet, eat a vegan diet and pray about it, is that responsible?  What if the questioner takes that advice, has a seizure from the abrupt stoppage of medications and dies?  

Speaking to adoption now, or more to the point the people who post on here that they are considering adoption, many respondants feel that adoption is never the right decision.  That every person who births a child is capable and willing to be a wonderful parent, so long as someone tells them they can do that.  You know, in 99.9% of the questions asked in this fashion, I'm sure those respondants are right.  But what about that 0.1%?

Personally, I don't want that hanging over my head.  That's why I try very hard not to give advice on these matters or on matters with potientially serious consequences.  I don't tell the people who ask these questions to parent their children and I don't tell them to place for adoption.  Why?  Because I don't know if the person asking is capable of being a parent.  I don't know anything about them, other than what was listed in the question.  The most I say is to get information, make an informed decision and look at all options out there carefully.  

Maybe I'm taking it too seriously, but I would be devestated to learn that my well-intentioned "advice" led to a tragedy.  

Answer 18

Nobody here is coercing women into keeping their babies.  People are educating women about their options.  Furthermore i highly doubt any sane person would make such a life altering decision by y!a alone.

The case you present is all hearsay.

I was raised by an abuser.  I was his property.  He was free to do whatever he wanted to me.  This is the typical mindset of abusers.  Adoption would never be considered.  

Mothers who care, plan, and consider the well being of their children and their futures do NOT fall into the category of a typical abuser.

You have to accept and respect that others have different opinions than yours.  Our opinions are based on facts not hearsay and if you do your research you will find one redundant fact---First mothers told or coerced into believing their children would be better off without them.

I will not drink your Kool-aid and i like your other screen name better.