Do you feel PAP and AP are the enemy?

Question

Another post made me wonder, do adult adoptees see me and other PAP and AP's as the enemy? Does it make a difference if it foster or infant?

Just curious. (Thanks jgf for inspiration for question!)

Cheers,

jenn

Answer 1

No.

Answer 2

No, and yes.

No because my parents are AP's and I see many who truly do care about the well being. So absolutely I don't think ALL ap's and paps are ignorant and unproductive for change in the industry.

Some however fall into the category of AP's and PAPS that DO work hard against reforms that I personally believe in so those specific AP's like Thomas Atwood of the NCFA I do see as the enemy.

I also see how Paps and some AP's are the "demand" for a supply of infants which causes other people to do corrupt things, which doesn't place the responsibility on the paps, but i do wish they would take the time to really understand the industry some get involved with and how it impacts the adoptee.  its not their fault, but I don't think ignorance is always excusable either.  

That being said, I absolutely believe that the Industry who in my opinion is THE ENEMY without a doubt, manipulates and coerses PAPS, AP's and Expecting Parents, Parents considering surrendering, and Adoptees.

Seeing past their(the industry) coercion appears to be hard for many for good reason, they've invested millions of dollars into the "public education" of their services.

I don't see "you"or any AP or PAP here as any enemy.

I do though have my own personal opinions on foster and infant adoption. I do have judgements and opinions on those who opt for infant adoption over foster / adoption.

Answer 3

Nope.  I don't.  Not at all.

Believe it or not, I even like my own adoptive parents!!!  Can you believe it?  It's true.

I just think PAP's and AP's have a responsibility to help in reform and to not deal with agencies that are unethical.

They have the most power to create change because they are the ones who are driving adoption at the moment.

People complain about the cost of adoption and the unfairness of adoption and yet they do not seem to know how to influence change.  Unfortunately U.S. infant adoption is a supply and demand market at the moment and PAP's and AP's can really make the most difference.

Research everything.  Research the psychology of adoption and relinquishment.  Research ethical practices and make good decisions.  Research everything and make good healthy choices for your family and your child.  And research truly where the money is going and who is really getting paid.  Just research and make things better.

That's all I'm saying.

Answer 4

just the ones who don't educate themselves on the loss that occurs to a human in order to 'get' said human.

i also get frustrated by people who blame us for being angry about our feelings of loss.

Answer 5

No, I used to think that when I was very hurt and angry. However, I do have a problem with "the system".

I think their are alot of really neat AP's and PAP's. I think that there are many uninformed people about the whole adoption process. I think that the MAJORITYof people, want to do the right thing. They unfortunately have been told the WRONG thing by agencies. There's alot of room for improvement.

I feel bad for the terrific AP's and PAP's who are trying to do all the right things, just to have some AP's and PAP's who are so out in left field, they make the whole group look bad. It's not fair, and I am trying to be more aware and careful of not lumping everyone together. I AM TRYING. I think everyone tries, messes up, and then tries again. I think it would be more effective if the great AP's and PAP's would try to help the other ones who don't "get it". They might listen to ya'll better. As a matter of fact, I just happen to know one couple in particular that could use a good talking to ......

"Lauren's" first / natural mom

Answer 6

Since I posted my response to jgf's question AS IF she had asked the one you're asking (because I read it wrong,) I can just paste that response here:

I do not see AP/PAP's as the enemy. After all, I was adopted by PAP's who then became AP's ;-)

I have a number of good friends who are AP's.

It's really the system -- the bureaucracy of adoption and the discriminatory laws -- that is the enemy here. Those not involved in adoption often develop ideas and beliefs that are not helpful to those in adoption. I believe that this is, in part, due to what the media/system puts out about adoption.

The only time I'd be bothered is if an AP or PAP wasn't concerned about the child's (first) parents, but that is very rare, I've noticed.  Most seem sensitive to the first family and the child's relationship to the first family.

Answer 7

No way!   I have AP's of my own, they are my parents.....not my enemies.

ETA-all this talk about "enemies"...... really, we are all part of the same system.  Shouldn't we be allies?