Do you feel ambivalent toward your biological mother?

Question

Every time adoptees write:

"i really dont care about my biological parents"

I want to copy it and paste it and send it to expectant women considering placing. The funny thing is, I know a lot of kids who were raised by really loving hard working single women who got pregnant young and they have the same fierce love for her that adoptees have for their aparents. I also know plenty who were raised by abusive poor single moms, the point is, it's not about how much money the parent has, or if the parent is single or not, but whether or not they provide everything available to their child and meet all the child's emotional needs.

I know plenty of people who are emotionialy and or physically abused in the homes of the rich and middle class, and who have no relationship with their parents at all, adopted or not.

But I don't hear kids who come from loving homes that were lower income saying, "I don't give a c**p about my mom, because she should have given me a home where I would have gotten a swimming pool, and a pony, and I could have had a fancy car when I turned 16"

Children do tend to be loyal to the people who raise them although that is subject to vary. But I always think it's funny when someone says, "I thank my biomom for giving me another family because I hate her so much and I never want to be around her. You should place your child for adoption too."

But I don't think that children are more loyal to adoptive parents because adoptive parents are really and truly that much better than young single moms.

The child is child grateful that someone rescued them from being abandoned, that doesn't really prove that a young single mom will be a bad mom.

Answer 1

wonderful commentary. i am an adoptee and i love and respect my parents for what they gave me. i had a stable life and from time to time i did wonder what could have been.

well i found my birthmother and i absolutely love her. she is wonderful, caring and intelligent. but when she had me that wasnt all true. she had some hard times and a classic screwed up family, she did what she could to the best for me. that was putting me up for adoption.

she will never be 'mom' i call her by her first name, but i love her almost as much. what a selfless act she did. i would have been exposed to horrible things had i stayed with her.

adoption isnt right for everyone, and cramming it down someones throat is not only rude and thoughtless, but down right ignorant. in some cases it is a wrong move, in some it is a matter of life or death. you are right, each case is different.

am i ambivalent? no, but gracious and thankful, yes

Answer 2

I was a young single mother to my oldest child.  She whined about all the things we didn't have when she was young but she always loved me.  She's an adult now and we are close.  Poverty did not affect our relationship in the least.  Single women can and do make good mothers.  I do not think single parent households damage children.  That is old school mentality!

I am also an adoptive mother.  If my child were to ever say anything disrespectful about his biological family I would sit him down and give him a thorough 'talking to' about them.  I really don't expect that to happen though because he is being raised to love and respect his biological family. Maybe some who have a distaste for their biological family were not raised to talk about them and accept them.

As far as loyalty is concerned,...I think any adopted person who feels they have to feel loyal to one family or another is being unfairly manipulated by the person or persons making them feel they have to choose.  Biological families are biological families.  Adoptive families are adoptive families.  There should be no 'competition' in my opinion and if one family or other makes an adopted person choose then shame on them.  That is unfair to the adopted person, to say the least.  Adoptive families should love, respect and accept the biological family of their child(ren).  Biological families should love, respect and accept the adoptive family.  No competition.  No forced sense of loyalty.

Answer 3

i am an adoptee and i am going to say that i was better off being adopted. i have met my biomom and i really didnot care too much of her. i would have been raised around drugs and moe than likely been abused. i dont know who by biodad is and dont really care because i was raised by a loving family  and to me they are my real parents

Answer 4

I think weemee said a lot of good points many that I agree with. Being another adoptee I don’t have any harsh feelings toward my birthmother I don’t hate her or anything. I respect her for having me when she could have aborted me; I respect her for realizing that she couldn’t give me the best life. From the little I know she was often on the streets, went from job to job. That is not a stable life to raise a child.  In fact she had child prior to me and obviously that child didn’t urge her to get on her feet get a stable job so she could provide for her child.

On the other hand I don’t love her like a mother because for the simple fact she wasn’t my mother. Sure she carried me for 8 ½ months but honestly even in the womb I don’t think she took the best care of me, since she had addictions. I also don’t love her like family again because she is not, in fact she’s a stranger. If I love her at all it would be in the way that the bible and Jesus say we are to love all of mankind.

I certainly don’t think there is anything wrong with being a single parent; I highly respect people who are whether they are single mothers or single fathers. Now a days you are seeing more and more people who are choosing to be single parent. From people adopting as a singles to people who are single going to the sperm or egg bank or even hiring a surrogate(men).

Answer 5

I'm an adoptee, and I can tell you you're way off base.  I don't love my birth mother as a mother.  To be honest, I can't really say I 'love' her at all.  Rather I feel a fondness for her as one would for an extended sort of family member, and I do respect her for the role that she at one time played in my life.

The important thing to remember is that my birth mother did not parent me.  She wasn't my comfort, my heart, my strength, my grounding, and the one I called home.  Had she raised me, I've no doubt she would have been all those things.

However, she made a choice, and it is what it is.  I hold no bitterness, resentment or anger toward her, I do however respect her immensly for choosing such wonderful people to parent me as she knew that, for myriad reasons, she could not parent me effectively herself.  It is also important to remember that nothing in the world can undermine how good a job a decent parent does, adoptive or otherwise.

I really think you're oversimplifying certain issues.  I seriously doubt that many women relinquish their child simply because they cannot afford to buy them a pony.  That is flat out ridiculous.

I also disagree that children feel 'grateful' toward their parents for adopting them.  Not true. I appreciate what my parents have given me, both materially and otherwise, just as any decent person appreciates the sacrifices their parents made for them.

As for you 'warning' other women before they choose relinquishment, it is a fact of life that a woman who places a baby for adoption will not experience the parent-child bond that goes hand in hand with raising children.  I'm also sure you'll find that not many expect to, as they know it is unreasonable, and they wish only for the future happiness and peace of the child and for themself.

I think perhaps you have some insecurities over an adoption choice that you may or may not have made.

Nobody here can provide those answers for you, only you know your own heart, just as everybody else knows theirs.

For me, I know who my parents are, and through them I know the kind of parent I wish to become.  My birth mother fits a little over to the side, she at one stage played a significant role in my life, and for that I respect her greatly.  But I don't 'owe' her anything.

Answer 6

I have worked in adoptions for 20+ years and have NEVER heard anyone say "I hate my bio mom" or "I really don't care about my biological parents", or "I hate her so much".

You have some inaccurate information about that.  I am sure there are people who say this, just like there are bio kids who say this.  But it is rare.  And in my experience, more common with bio kids!

But your points about single or poor parents is very well taken.  Kids value real love and sacrifice and don't usually care deeply about whether that comes from a single mother, two parents, same s*x parents, rich or poor, as long as they get the really important things in life like love, consistency, a full rich life, and real time from their parent.  

But, I strongly disagree with your opinion about a child being grateful that they were "rescued" -- how disrespectful that attitude is.  Children are not puppies.  And no child owes their parent anything.  Adoption does not take a stand against young single mothers.  It does not take a stand against anything.  It is about people being FOR a loving, stable life for a child, and consists of dedicated birth and adoptive parents who make sure that happens.