Do you feel like you are here to share your experiences about adoption or to defend your position on it?

Question

Just curious after so many questions have been posted lately that seem to ask "what are you doing to..... (fill in the blank)"

Answer 1

I think both.  I normally would not even entertain the defend portion, only because I feel, it's no one's business but my family's. However, I have found that there are many negative persons in this forum. They make hurtful comments due to "their life" experience, with out any consideration for others (that it's not the same as theirs). With that said, I will defend our decision, and my daughter and our intentions until the end.

Answer 2

I have no need to defend my position on adoption. I am not interested in proving anything to anyone here. I feel strongly about my views on adoption but I am not trying ot convince anyone that I'm right. I have no idea who any of the people reading this are and if some of them are total idiots, that's their problem. Usually I answer questions here because I get satisfaction from sharing my story.

Answer 3

I am here to share my experience as a birthmother. I feel the need to tell people what it is like and was like for me. I know that all birthmoms did not have the same experience as I did, but I think (just my thought) that we wish there had been another way and we hope (ok, I did) for a reunion some day. I hope that young women would learn from my experience that there is not enough research being done to fully understand the ramifications of how adoption affects everyone involved. I am not as learned as some people on this forum, having only completed HS and I sometimes find it hard to put coherent sentences together do to an illness.

And if I have any ones attention, it hurts my feelings to get a thumbs down for my opinion. LOL

Answer 4

I mostly feel I am here to defend my position as a birthmom at this point.  I was hoping I could learn a thing or two about what adoptees experience so that I might see what my biodaughter might experience, but...   I'll just stop there.  I'm also looking for information on foster parenting when it comes up.  Great question.  What about you?

Answer 5

For the most part to share my mostly negative (sorry but that is just the way it is for some of us) experiences with adoption.

It is really sad that people need to defend feeling badly about losing their family members.  That is sick and sad.

Answer 6

I came at first wanting to share my experience, but more often I feel like I am being attacked or hated because oh my goodness, I am an adult adoptee who is ok, and not bitter.  And Heaven forbid, I have a child I adopted that is doing ok.  Even worse, I love her, I did not steal her, I did not feel entitiled to her, I was blessed with her care when her birthmom could not, I love her birthmother and look for opportunities to try and reconnect with her to share what I consider very valid information.

I feel as though if the goal of the adoptees that are angry is to motivate change, then I wonder how this is really being done.  I agree that records should be open, but how is this done if the communication is here on Y!A?  Show me where to go and I will happily work alongside them for this right.  But, this right does not mean that their anger can be leashed towards me or my family.

Answer 7

Another good question!  I used to come here to learn, share, occasionally vent and be entertained a bit.  Now, I come with my dander up, waiting to have to defend adoption, my passion on so many levels.  But after being attacked, along with other adoption Advocates, by the Abolitionist regulars on a pretty regular basis, I began to think this board had been taken over by single minded folks.  When I had pretty much made up my mind to leave, I came home one day from work and found five emails in my box.  Afraid to go there after a rough day, I reluctantly opened them.  To my surprise, I found emails supportive of "our" cause  --  ethical and caring adoptions.   Folks were thanking me for speaking up against (several of the regulars were named by name).  Some said they, too, had thought of leaving, but felt inspired or supported, knowing there was someone who would go up against some of the "reform" radicals (which I just see as adoption abolitionists).  Thank you to those of you who wrote and continue to do so!  After the inspirational support, I felt compelled to continue to write and respond.  I'm not letting a few negative sad souls take me away from talking about something so positive in my life, and the lives of those around me - adoption!

Answer 8

I'm here to learn as much as I can before my husband and I adopt. Before I stumbled here I thought the process was cut and dry - naive yes. Now I've learned it's very complicated and there are lots of emotions involved with all parties.

I just want what's best for my future child.

Answer 9

When I first came to this site, I was excited because I thought that I could share my experiences as an adoptee and also as an adoptive parent- and how thankful I am and my children are that we were given life and placed in a great family- and one that knew the birth moms of her kids,and knows beyond a shadow of a doubt, that we did not "steal" their babies-  I completely understand that there are people here that have not had good experiences, and also those who are fighting for adoption reform.-  their opinions are their opinions, however they expect me to have the same, and I don't.  I don't feel like I have to defend my position, however, because it is my experience and others don't have to share it.

Answer 10

I came here to find out what it was like for Rachael. I want to know what an adoptee goes through on a daily basis. I have proven to myself that all the horror stories were true (but not in her case), that it is difficult and painful to be an adoptee in most cases, even if you had a good experience, that they are discriminated against in all instances, and that there is something I personally can do to rectify the situation. I have also been able to experience through the stories what it is like to be an AP. I have seen the frustrations they go through with children who act out, get sick and have no information to work from, how they too were lied to about nmom's situation, and how they are SOMETIMES seen as bad people for wanting children. I have learned that pregnant women aren't birth mothers until after delivery, that abortion has nothing to do with adoption, that foster care needs changing drastically, and that my daughter and I are truely blessed that she had such a good experience, that we have such a good relationship, and that we actually found her father and have a good relationship with him.

What I haven't been able to figure out is how "WE" as different members of the same fight are going to pull together and make a difference from ALL SIDES of adoption and foster care. I spend more time reading than I should, and go to almost painful lengths to do in 4 hours what takes most of you minutes to do. I am without a doubt, computer challenged and yet I keep at it until I get what I want accomplished.

I'm still reading everyday. I have involved others in my neighborhood. I spent 4 hours yesterday posting a comment to the Detroit News, I have been to the Michigan yahoo search site, I signed up for some news letter, I am keeping track of the Michigan bill, and looking for places I can get involved.

If someone will tell me how to post a link I will put up the question I asked "WHAT CAN YOU DO". There are lists of things people can do to get involved. There are Links you can go to for more information, people you can contact, pre-written letters you can adjust and use, and groups and organizations you can get involved with.

Answer 11

Share my experience--and gain from others experience. I use my advocacy time in the ways that might actually result in changes where I want to see them made--which isn't on a website with anonymous posters whom could all be the same person or someone with no connection other then wanting to have fun and stir the pot.....

Answer 12

Share my experience and maybe even defend adoption if necessary.

Answer 13

I come here to be reminded of how grateful I should be that I:

a. wasn't aborted;

b. wasn't tossed into a dumster;

c. didn't end up living on the streets;

d. didn't end up living with an abusive mother who would starve me and call me names

e. was taken in by my wonderful saviors

f. was given food and a place to live

g. didn't bounce from foster home to foster home

Let's see, does that about cover it?

When I'm finished with my daily dose of gratitude, I have to remind some people that I:

a: would never have been aborted;

b. would never have been tossed in a dumster;

c. would never have lived on the streets;

d. would have ended up living with my mother who loved me and would never have abused, neglected, or mistreated me in ANY way

e. love my adoptive parents

f. love my adoptive parents

g. love my adoptive parents

h. had a great upbringing

i. my life has nothing to do with my goals of wanting adoptees to be treated equally, fairly, and justly under the law

j. ditto for relinquishing mothers

Oh, and I have to put up with some people calling us "b*tches" and "dummies" and other stupid and nasty names from time to time and people telling us we don't belong on the adoption category and that our opinions don't matter, or don't count, or that we should just go away and leave the adoption category to what it "used to be" or what it "should be"...i.e., a place for happy talk, where nobody has to deal with unpleasantries.

So whether all that falls under the category of of sharing my experience or defending my position?  I guess it's "all of the above".

Answer 14

both.  If adoptees can be told to be grateful and have to defend themselves from being called "angry" adoptees and if first mothers have to defend that they were not crack addicts or that they weren't coerced, then why should we be immune.

It doesn't bother me.  I hope i can inform them but if they are just doing it to be snarky, i could care less.

Its nice to share stories and experiences about adoption but we have to remember there are more than just our experiences here.  Its kind to be respectful of that.

Answer 15

I am here to find out if any other people are in the same situation that I am in.  I will also share my views if I think I have been through something that might help someone else.  I really haven't had to defend myself.  I just tell it like it is and no sugar coating going on here =)

Answer 16

Both.

Learn and share experiences so peoploe learn the other side of the story, perhaps... and to pehaps defend my position because I believe in certain things and want others to understand, as well.

Answer 17

Probably a little bit of both for me however, in some casesit could be a either or situation

Answer 18

I'm not trying to share my experiences or to defend my position, I'm trying to learn about adoption.

Answer 19

I'm here to learn and share. Sometimes I feel like I'm on trial....but I'm learning to ignore those questions.

Answer 20

From I came here to defend my position as a Firstmom.  I keep reading that I am a bad person, a druggie, a lazy person, that I didn't love my daughter, etc, etc......

I only answer those questions that I feel that I am not being attacked by others and those that really would like an answer or help with what is going on.

Noone understands the firstmom experience but a firstmom and to have all these other people answering, mainly from what I can see ap's who don't know what we as firstmoms go thru really makes me wonder about how much they really don't know.

Answer 21

I am here to share my experiance of being adopted to help other people that may want to know what it is like form the adoptees point of view in hopes that it will help more people to adopt or help girls that are pregnant realize that there are more options other than raising a baby they do not want or abortion

Answer 22

I started out thinking I could help by sharing my experiences regarding adoption.  I still try to help but I find that I spend some time defending positions also.  I've tried backing off on defending positions and started trying to help again. I find that I can help more by pm'ing answers to AP's and PAP's to avoid the insults.

Answer 23

Lately, I feel like everyone else wants me to defend my position.  Since I suck at defending myself, and that is NOT why I'm here, I'm considering whether I want to stick around.  We'll see.

Answer 24

It really depends on the question.  Sometimes the question I would love to answer but the answer is so complicated that I really can't put words together to describe it for a simple yahoo answer.  Other times even if I do pour out my experience, in a matter of another answer I'll feel completely disregarded and attacked.  Like a day or so ago someone asked how it was to relinquish.  There are no words to describe those days.  Even if I was to describe it, there would be so many things left out it would do no justice to describing the day, so I ended up skipping replying to that question.  =o(

So I stick to answering the questions I'm comfortable answering, and reserving the right to protect my heart and my experiences from being cut down by skipping the questions that I know will poke the hurt.

Answer 25

Apparently I'm here to have the happy, happy adoption club shoved down my throat by people that can't seem to read very basic English.  But hey, at least they are STILL Who They Are and Adore Who They Adore.

Answer 26

We do not worry about defending our position.....We have no reason to defend being  parents to a child whose adult parents willingly signed over their parental rights. They were hardly teenagers being coherced by an adoption agency. We never used and agency and both parents were older than us.

If other people hate us we could care-a-less. We have only one person to answer too and that is DD.

Answer 27

And apparently the rest of us are here to have the Adoption Sucks and Should Be Abolished, and No One Else But Us Know What We Are Talking About Club shoved down our throats.

Oh, and kindly do not have any opinions but the ones we tell you you should have or we will report you.

Answer 28

just checkin it out cauae my girlfriend made me and we do this in the library.

Answer 29

I think I started out sharing my experience, which quickly turned into defending my position.  

After awhile, it  turned back into sharing my experience with the added bonus of learning about myself.