Do you find that when people retire and you haven't that you no longer have anything in common?

Question

I've been best friends for 15 years with my girlfriend Meri, she retired and I have 5 years to go yet. She was always a strong, outspoken woman...now she's a mush. I swear I don't even KNOW this person anymore. She lets her adult daughter use and abuse her constantly...it's sickening to sit back and watch. I've gently mentioned this to her and she's almost delusional about it, like it's OK for her daughter to dump her kids on her, threaten and verbally and emotionally abuse her. My friend hates to babysit, she retired to pursue a singing career, and thanks to her selfish daughter, has no time to do this now.

What is wrong with her? Why won't she tell her daughter off? It's like she's scared to death of her, yet she walks on water...I don't understand this at all.

But then I never allowed either one of my children to disrespect me like she has allowed hers to.

I'm taking my friend to a therapist (she thinks it's for me...it's not,) and the therapist is working on her self esteem issues and trying to show her that allowing herself to be used and abused isn't normal. I'm very frustrated and ready to just ditch this friendship for good. I've never seen anyone do a 180 like this in my life.

(I don't speak to her daughter, she hates me for trying to ruin her 'free daycare' ride, and for getting her mother to speak up for herself.)

since she's retired 10 months ago, her blood pressure is sky high and she's had to go on medication for it, her smoking had tripled, she's gained 30 lbs and drinks daily. (I'd drink if I had to watch those brats too....so I don't blame her there.)

Answer 1

Instead of getting mad at your friend, have some compassion for her. Yes, she needs therapy and yes, she is being taken advantage of, but it probably has to do with feeling useless now that she is retired. Her daughter sounds manipulative, but she has to rediscover her own backbone, you can't do it for her (just support her in doing so). One good thing would probably be to go back to work. The singing career isn't going to happen at this age. She is just feeling old. So might you in five years. Bear with her. Be strong but not angry. And remember there may be other issues involved with the daughter that you know nothing about.

Answer 2

I think RK is on to something.  Your friend is going through one of life's difficult transitions.  Unless a person has planned it all out and has activities to move into, retirement can be awfully lonely.  This person who once felt useful and needed, now has to work at finding things to do. So you friend decides to help out with own daughter's kids.  She sees that those kids need her and, in many ways, she needs them.  She needs help in finding some other meaningful activities which might be volunteer at a local agency.  These activities need to be of a nature that give her a reason to get decently dressed and groomed, not just the getting together with some friends to play bingo.  Once she starts having things to do, she'll be able to tell her daughter that she can't take the kids every time.  Hopefully this will help you friend find a new life.  

Another aspect is that you and your friend probably shared a lot of experinces relative to work.  You both could talk about a hard day or difficult task or something you conquered.  Now she no longer has those experiences.  And our society doesn't consider domestic activities very favorably.  She probably feels that she isn't doing anything interesting compared to your daily experiences.

As others have said, do what you can to support her and encourage her to get involved in other meaningful activities that will help her regain her own self-respect.  

Answer 3

It's weird how when some people retire they lose their personality.