Do you give your toddler a choice?

Question

OK, I may just be coming from a different school of thought but here it goes . . .I have a 20 month old girl. Lately, she has refused to put anything on unless she makes the clothing choice which was fine by me. I'm actually quite pleased that she wants to make her own decisions. I mentioned this to her caregiver (she's a generation older), and she sat me down for a 20 minute lecture about why it's better to just choose for her. The argument is something like . . . it will be easier later (for picture days, church).

Here's my opinion. I've categorized my decisions as a parent:BIGGIES or NO-BIGGIES. Clothing is not a biggie to me (although I'm disappointed that my daughter doesn't choose some of the cuter outfits I have bought for her). Especially when all she has to choose from are season-appropriate. I do think this is all about power (as is everything in life) and cause/effect. For example, for awhile, she just refused to wear shoes. But one day, she felt that the ground was too hot and so now wearing shoes is no longer a problem because she has experienced (not just told) to wear shoes. Consequences (often disguised as 'mistakes') are perfect teachers. (Of course, this doesn't apply to unsafe things.)

What do you think?

Answer 1

I totally agree. I was told that it's good to give a child choices so that they feel like they have some control and can learn from their mistakes. The only rule is that you have to give a child one choice between two different things if it's something like choosing a place to go today because too many options will overwhelm them and they will get carried away. If it's something that's not a big deal such as clothes you can give them many choices. Explain this to the caregiver.

Answer 2

You are doing the right thing.  My son always picks out his clothes.  It lets him feel independent and that's good in my eyes.  Don't let anyone tell you what you are doing is wrong.

Answer 3

I think that offering choices encourages independence and self-esteem.  I do not think it is necessary to engage in power struggles over clothing.  My children starting at 15 months have always chosen their clothes.  They each have 1 drawer with appropriate season clothing and I always buy pants that will match just about any shirt in denim, navy, brown, black, and gray.  I do think that it is easier for kids to make choices between 2 things.  We do this with toys, and snack.  Both things are appropriate.  Like others have said goldfish or graham crackers, playdoh or fingerpaints etc.

Answer 4

You're doing a great job.  I totally agree with you.  The problem with some older generation care givers is that their skills and ideals are outdated, although they still can be an invaluable source of knowledge.  I think it's best to always ask for guidance if you're unsure, but always go with your gut instinct - as they say - mother knows best!!!

Answer 5

I think you are right. It's great for a child to make choices 1. whenever they can safely and 2. when they have an opinion.  

Answer 6

You can still left her choose by putting at least three outfits on the bed then she can pick which one she wants to wear. Talk to her first and let her know what you intend to do and that she must choose from the ones laid out. It is good for her to make choices.

good luck pp

Answer 7

Yes, I give my toddler a choice. I agree with you that it is not a biggie. As my daughters have gotten older I teach them modesty otherwise they wear what they want. I have 4 girls ages 20, 18, 16 and 2. They all dress respectfully but in their own styles. My 16 yr old even designs and makes some of her own clothing. Our 2yr old wore her ballerina dress to church on Easter Sunday and she was a big hit. Thank you for worry more about your daughter than what people will think.

Answer 8

I strongly believe that children should have choices, but not too many that it is overwhelming. For example, you can pick out 2 outfits that your child can wear, and then let her choose between those too.

I think you are doing a great job!

Answer 9

my daughter is 3 and she sometimes wants to pick out her clothes. sometimes she just puts on what I lay out for her. I think her care giver just needs to mind her own business she's your daughter and that works for you. I agree with you picking out clothes is a no biggie you have other things to worry about then arguing with your daughter about what she is wearing unless it's cold and she wants to wear shorts.  

Answer 10

I don't see it as a problem. She's expressing her individuality and being creative. I say let her choose her clothes but when it's time for formal situations (picture days etc.) you should help her choose her clothes. My mom said that when I was a toddler I wouldn't let her choose my outfits either, and I didn't have and problems later. If she needs to have a certain type of outfit for an occasion, let's say she needs to wear a dress for a wedding, just tell how pretty it is and that she will look like a princess in it! I'm glad that my mom let me make some of my own decisions that early.

Answer 11

You seem to have it all under control and I agree with you. Why not let your child choose her clothes and try and put them on? It develops self help skills as well as a sense of worth. Good on you!

Answer 12

I give my fifteen month old choices... but most of the time, they're not "real" choices.  I feel that as a parent, they do still have to listen, and sometimes they simply do NOT have a choice.

Diaper changes are a struggle for us.  Instead of letting him sit in his diaper till it oozes out the sides (which he would if it were up to him), I allow him to choose his diaper.  When we get down to all Elmo diapers left... even though they're the same, one somehow appeals more to him, and he delights in the fact that he chose it.

Same thing for meal time.  I may choose his entree... but he chooses his plate, fork, and/or cup.

I always let him choose things that REALLY don't matter at all... like pajamas.  Or clothes to play in around the house.  If we're going out somewhere respectable, I may or may not give him a choice of outfit... but if I do, I give him two choices... (this one or that one).  So, it's not really an open-ended choice.  Sometimes limitless choices are overwhelming to toddlers.

And sometimes there is no choice at all: when my brother was newly two, he hated buttons.  He had a pathological FEAR of buttons... and we needed to go to a wedding where he had to wear a button up shirt, vest, and pair of pants.. with a button.  He screamed and cried and ended up being placed in the car in his little undies.  He was so humiliated that we didn't make it a block from our house before he screamed to get dressed.  With my own son, there are times when he begins to throw a fit about something and I simply tell him.  I'm sorry, but this is not a choice.  Or I let him know that he can choose to cooperate with Mommy, or he chooses to sit in time-out and THEN cooperate with Mommy.  ;)  He typically opts to cooperate.

So, yes, I think that toddlers can and should have choices (even fake choices... like when choosing between two identical diapers).  It gives them a sense of accomplishment and self-worth and helps to avoid the power-struggle that so often accompanies the toddler years and beyond.  However, it's also important to remember that you're the parent... which means that sometimes, it's your way.  Period.  :)

Answer 13

WOW, you are a great mom, i wish more moms i ran into were like that. your daughter will grow into a responsible adult that can make her own decisions. If you want her to wear the "cuter" clothes just give her a choice of 2 outfits you think are cute she is probably choosing on comfort or favorite cartoon character.

I think learning things for themselves whenever practical is a great idea and that teachers, childcare providers and all other well meaning people who tell you what you are doing is wrong need to just keep it to themselves and stop making great parents like yourself question your parenting techniques, they are obviously working great.

Answer 14

My brat is 19 months and doing the same thing with wanting to choose everything. For us, I'll give her the option between two I have already selected, that are weather appropriate, etc. So she still gets to have a choice, but I know she's prepared for the day. There's just no way I'm gonna let her wear long sleeved shirts and jeans now, or a sundress come winter time. She's not old enough to realize a cold may be caused by underdressing, even if she's told that's why. But we do consequences with my daughter too, she has a little pink chair she knows she is not to stand on, and if she stands on it, it goes up in the closet until the next day. Same with bouncing big balls in the house. Lol, today, she climbed up on it and I saw her, she saw me coming, hopped off and dragged it to the closet door and said I sorry mum and walked away. So they can learn, but they aren't really quite aware enough to realize what the consequences might be if they don't have the worst happen. But I do mostly the same things, I just find that narrowing it down really saves on time. Good luck!  

Answer 15

I agree with you to a point, but "this doesn't apply to unsafe things" is not going to make sense to a 20 month old. Consistency is key to a childs behavior and picking and choosing when she gets to choose is only going to confuse her. maybe give her a choice of 2 pair of shoes, but she must choose a pair. That way she has a choice but is not in total control.

The only reason I say this is from experience. My oldest is a very controllable child. I rarely even have to raise my voice at her and she is 9 and has always been this way. BUT my youngest is the most stubborn person I have ever met aside from her father LOL  We gave her choices about everything. Then at 5 she had to have her tonsils and adenoids out, but she did not want to take her medicine, it was horrible. She was sobbing from the pain but refused to take the medicine, it broke my heart and she had to get in a lot of trouble to take it and the antibiotics they prescribed. So here is a case and point a child of any age needs to learn to do it simply "because mommy siad so". It is better if they learn this from the start, or chances are it will come back and bite you in the butt.

You cannot have it apply to one situation and not the other.

Answer 16

You are totally right on this.  For a toddler, making choices means the world to them, even if the choice seems petty to us, it means a lot to them.  I think it builds their self esteem showing them that they are good enough to make choices/decisions.  When they feel that they have some sort of control over their life they are much happier and less likely to rebel.  By giving them choices on small things like what to wear you are giving them control, but really you still have control, if that makes sense.  Give her caregiver a copy of a Love and Logic book by Jim Faye, it outlines how choices are so important.

Answer 17

I use to let my son choose what he wanted to wear and what to eat and things like that. The food was a good idea becuase he does pick the good things out to eat like if i offer him a pop or banana he will pick the banana but when it comes to cloths he is horrible he has to pick it or he wont get dressed and it becomes a real pain when it is 7 in the morning and he wont get ready. he is 4 now and is having some ocd tendensies since i gave him chooses with the cloths.

Answer 18

You are definately doing the right thing by your daughter!! And if the caregiver doesn't realise that certain 'controlled' choices should be given to children then they never learn independence.  As a caregiver she should know this! I think she needs to go back and study!

Your doing a great job!!  

Answer 19

i think you are doing a great job with her and dont let other people tell you that you are doing something wrong. she is your child and you know whats best. good luck :)

Answer 20

I agree with you! I pick my battles!  My youngest daughter went through a phase where she truly thought she was Tinkerbell.  We went Christmas shopping in her Tinkerbell costume, had pics with Santa as tinkerbell, etc.!  Then she decided to where poofy dresses and glitter shoes.  I am a jeans and tshirt girl, but she would choose dresses and glitter shoes ALL THE TIME!!  My oldest daughter would pick the most outrageous outfits that never matched and somehow pulled it off!  It gives them a sense of independence and teaches them to make decisions.  

Answer 21

i'm with you

Answer 22

Teaching your child to make decisions for him/herself is one of the most valuable gifts you can give your child.  Give them choices.  Do you want water or milk, sneakers or sandals, etc.  Not a blanket choice - what do you want to wear?  Instead, the choice should be shorts or pants.  My daughter wanted to wear purple & red together, which I thought was terrible, but I let her make the decision and it actually looked good.

My daughter now has a 2 year old and asks him, do you want fries or apples, juice or milk, etc.  I am so proud of her and she makes great decisions today!

As for picture days, etc, you will always remember that he/she made that choice.  It could bring laughter for years!

Answer 23

I think you're doing the right thing and your daughter will grow up learning to make decisions on her own and thinking for herself rather than having it all dictated to her.  

My son is only 16 months old and I give him choices on lots of things.

"Teddy grahams or goldfish" in the snack aisle on market day, " crocs or keds" for playing outside, "fire chief or monkey jacks pajamas?"  Kids need the independence of making choices. When they are toddlers giving them a choice between two things that will result in getting what you want them to do anyway is fine.  They think they have the control but you're really getting the goal you need accomplished. There is nothing wrong with that and any care giver that would say otherwise to you needs to remember this is your daughter, not theirs. I'd have given the care giver that choice then and there. "Choose, respect my wishes and continue your employment to me or disrespect me and my wishes in my home and find yourself unemployed which do you want".  

You're doing the right thing. Stick to it and your daughter will grow up just fine.

Answer 24

do what you want to do and your children will follow

thats how they learn.  be an exampe for them.

if you do what they want then they will not grow up as you are teaching them a kids perspective.

it could be that your toddler is getting adult hormones through breast milk, if still breast feeding.

Answer 25

I agree that choosing clothing is no biggie, but i think shoes should be enforced for hygiene/sanitary reasons....

Answer 26

my cousin i watch frequently does choose his own clothes.  i just pick clothing that is season appropriate and let him make his own choice.  for example, i lay out 5 pairs of shorts and 5 shirts that relatively match each other.  and he picks one of each.  he decides whether or not he wants to wear clothes when we go to the gas station across the street (as soon as he realized women would tickle his stomach when he was just in undies he decided to wear clothes).  same with shoes.