Do you have any really good jokes?

Question

NO RUDE JOKES PLEASE!

Answer 1

There was 2 Irish guys walking down the road 1 of them finds a mirror picks it up and says i know this guy, the other man says let me have a look and takes it off him, he says course you do its me.

Answer 2

Mine are all Rude , Sorry!

Answer 3

Crab walks in to the bar giving it all that!

(make crab action with your hands as if crab pinching lol)

Answer 4

A father and son snake are out for a nice afternoon slither.

The son asks, "Dad is we poisonous snakes?"

The father replies proudly, "Yes son, we are rattler snakes! Why do you ask son?"

"Because DAD, I just bit my tongue!!"

joke2

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (a 100-legged bug) that came in a little white box which served as the bug's house.

He took his purchase home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "HEY IN THERE! WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO CHURCH WITH ME AND LEARN ABOUT THE LORD?"

(YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS!)

And a little voice came out of the box.........

"I heard you the first time.......I'm putting on my shoes!"

Answer 5

man walks into a pub orders a pint of bitter drinks it straight down walks up the wall across the ceiling and straight out of the door. that strange says another customer, yes it is says the barman he usually drinks lager.

Answer 6

A mushroom goes into a pub, sits down next to a pretty girl and asks if she would like a drink with him, she politely declines his offer.

'Oh come on' says the mushroom, I'm a fun gi, (fun guy)

(get it! LOL I still like that one!)

Answer 7

Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard.  He also was quite a spiritual person.  Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail.  Due to this diet, he wound up with very bad breath.  Therefore, he came to be known as a . . .

Super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

Answer 8

Yeah, here's one...i actually did some work today

Answer 9

Did you hear that Heather Mills McCartney will be starring in the new production of Mary Poppins?

It'll include all the classic musical favourites including

Super Hag Makes Paul Ballistic Isn't She Atrocious?

....That was lame, I apologise :D

Answer 10

Sad news today, my dog fatally jumped into the washing machine. At least he died in Comfort.

Answer 11

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Cause it was dead!

Sorry, but just imagine a cartoon monkey falling out of a tree. It made me laugh like crazy!

http://www.mattsjokes.co.uk/what_is_a_pi...