Do you have any thoughts about a single mom afraid to date because she may lose closeness with daughter?

Question

I am a single mother of an almost 5 yr old daughter. Her father has recently gotten married. She talks all of the time about how she wants her step-mom to go away because she wants to just be with her daddy (normal)...the thing is, she isn't as close to him as she is to me. So if I were to find someone and marry, it would only affect her even more. I HATE the idea of that...I do not want "getting on with my life" to affect her in a negative way. She and I are so close that people comment on it constantly, how did I do it, asking me for advice...things like that. We just mesh, she and I. She knows I'm the mommy (aka boss) so it's not one of those "friends instead of the parent" things...I've somehow managed and ended up being her best friend while maintaining my parental status in her life. It's great!! I love her and adore her and cherish our relationship so much. So here's the other twist to my question...beyond me dating again hurting her...it SCARES me!! Let's face it, someone else being around inevitably takes time away from her and our one on one personal intimacy. It would rock our whole world and turn it upside down. And so in addition to not wanting to do that to her...it scares the heck out of ME! I do not want anything to interrupt our relationship, how she can completely rely on me focusing on her...how our time together and the sheer amount of laughing we do will diminish when 'he' enters the picture. I light up her room and she does mine...and it is because of our closeness, our focus on one another. As she says, I'm her "favorite and" her "best"...and I don't want to do anything to lessen that. I'm a bit torn up over the thought. She and I talked about it the other day and she started to cry...because she wants a brother and/or a sister and when I told her then I'll have to get married for that to happen she just sobbed saying she didn't want that. And I had to hide the fact that I was tearing up too...

Have you been in a similar situation as a single parent?

Someone help me with your thoughts, please?

Answer 1

Dear Lani, you are a great Mother and that is not going to change.  It is obvious that you love your daughter very much and very touching that you are so concerned about her feelings.  However, she loves you too and wants you to be happy.  Like you said, you are the “adult” and she relies on your guidance and will follow your lead when it comes to accepting someone else into your “family.”

As your daughter gets older the relationship you have with her is going to change and there is nothing you can do about that.  The type of men you expose her to and the relationships you develop with them will definitely have an impact on her.  For this reason, some single parents choose not to introduce their romantic partners to their children until the relationship becomes serious enough for commitment.  The positive to this approach is that the children do not develop attachments and later get hurt by multiple fleeting relationships.  The negative is having to introduce the children to someone you have strong feelings for and the possibility that they may not be able to immediately warm up to this person.

The first thing is to decide what you want: a serious relationship which leads to marriage or just some male companionship.  If you are certain that you want a husband then you will have to adjust your dating tactics accordingly.  Your romantic interests should know from the word go that you are only interested in serious relationships and that you and your child are a package deal.  For some men a “ready made family” is very appealing.  A first date can be a picnic lunch to the park with your daughter.  You will get to see how comfortable he is with children.  Did he show up with flowers for you and gifts for your daughter?  Does he pay her attention?  Does he listen to her?  Is he affectionate toward her or is he uncomfortable?  You get the picture.  This is very important; however, just because he meets your daughter’s approval doesn’t necessarily mean he’s a good fit for you.  You will also have to spend time alone with him and see how he measure up.  Is he respectful, honest, kind, and considerate?  What is his philosophy on rearing children, does he want more children, and can he support all of you if you lose your job?

You are right, this can be a little scary, but you are a smart girl and are asking the right questions.  I hope you find a great guy and I wish you and your daughter all the happiness in the world!

Take care!  

Answer 2

Your 5yr old is acting like a normal 5yr old. She'll get over it in about 8yrs. You are her mother, not her friend. Its your job to make sure your daughter doesn't not harbor the illusion that she has control over your adult life. The very best thing you can do for your daughter is to show her that you are a complete person with the same needs and interests that any grown woman has. Its also your job to make sure when she talks negatively about your ex's wife, that you nip that in the bud. Whatever your relationship with the ex, your daughter is not involved. To teach her to be generous and kind where her stepmother is concern will reflect on your maturity and dignity, and give her important communication tools that will help her throughout her life.

Think about what you how you are teaching your daughter about being a woman. You are teaching her that in order to not "upset" children, a woman should sacrifice her chance at a relationship. You are also creating a burden on her to always be your friend. That's not healthy, you should be encouraging her to "mesh" with her peers.  

Answer 3

I'm 56, my own parents divorced when I was 8, and I was an only child.

After that I came last every time when it came to my parents and their dates, then their spouses and step-children.  My self-confidence suffered alot because I felt that I was in everybody's way, that I should consider myself lucky to have a bed to sleep in.

Once your daughter is in school, trust me, it goes soooooo fast.  I hope you will concentrate your attention on your daughter and yourself and the experiences you have together.  You won't regret it.  

You don't have to look for a guy.  Just go ahead and live exciting lives.  

Do activities together where there are lots of guys.  Things like snowboarding or skiing or surfing or skeet shooting or kayaking.  Pick something healthy.  Then your daughter can get used to guys without having any threat of them.

She's still a baby even though she shows such insight.  She's awfully bright, so give her emotional maturity a chance to catch up.  Her world is upside down and that's awful hard for a five year old to navigate.

BTW, my daughter is 19, she's self-confident and driven to achieve.   She travels a lot, so I have grown to love cell-phones.  If you include texts and pics and video, I hear from her several times a day -- even when she's out of the country.

Have you ever heard of anyone on their death bed saying they regret the time they spent with their family?

Answer 4

i think you are close enough to your daughter, that eventually she will understand some of those things, because of how much you love her, how much you care about her... still right now, because shes young, psychologically you can't do much about it. shes not going to see things through your eyes all the way.

its tough, but there isn't much you can do about that part. however, what you can do is really just talk, talk more to her you know? see exactly how she feels about everything, tell her how you feel about your ex-husband-even if its hard. if she can understand just a little bit of that, i'm sure she will want her mom to be happy too right?

and sometimes its not bad for a mom to cry in front of her daughter, if you're both crying, you kind of share that special moment, something no one can ever take away, tell her that you know? the things you both share, no one..not even a new dad or just anyone can take away her favorite, or her best.

hope that helps on some level, best wishes.