Do you have to follow all the wedding etiquette rules?

Question

What if I want to give all my close friends corsages to wear, not just the MoB and my future MIL, which is what wedding etiquette dictates.

I have some friends who are very close to me, but I can't include all of them in the wedding party (budget).

Would it be tacky or showing favoritism if I gave these women corsages to wear? They are important in my life and I want them to be just as pretty on the day.

Also, doesn't "wedding etiquette" specify who's supposed to pay for what? I know my FH's family will pay for the rehearsal dinner and mine will pay for the ceremony, but other than that, does it matter who pays for what. Can't we just split the costs down the middle for the families?

Answer 1

I think you are confusion ETIQUETTE and TRADITION.

Etiquette is basically being polite.  Basically, common sense stuff.  Don't ask your guests to buy you things, don't dictate what they can and cannot do/wear, etc...

Tradition is everything that is done because that's the way it's "always" been done.  Tissue paper in the invitations, brides in white, etc.

As far as having your close friends wear corsages, the idea is to think of who you might upset.  If you think somebody will say, "Oh, why does Jane Smith get a flower and I get nothing?" then you're in some murkey waters.  Just beware...

With regards to who pays for what...this is entirely individualized now, I think.  Many couples are paying for it themselves, as they are older and more established.  Some families stick to the traditional "bride's family pays" while some are for a 50/50 split.

My experience was this:  My parents told us they'd give us X amount for the wedding on whatever we wanted.  His parents told us they wanted to pay for a, b, and c.  Everything that wasn't covered by the two we paid for ourselves.  (And yes, my parents paid SIGNIFICANTLY more than his.  But they were quite generous as well.)

Answer 2

I'm sorry, I have no idea what a corsage is, but just do it your way!

These 'rules' are just guidelines.

And what is a rehearsal dinner? It's starting to sound expencive!  

Answer 3

At my wedding I paid for everything. My parents paid for my education and gave us $5k for our house and his parents were having financial problems.

Pretty much this is all piddly stuff where etiquette goes out the door and it's all about what you want to do. You don't even have to give anyone corsages. I didn't (granted I didn't even think of doing that until now lol).

Answer 4

What you're quoting is actually wedding tradition, not wedding etiquette.  It's tradition to give the MoB and the MoG corsages - it would be poor etiquette to only give a corsage to the MoB but not the MoG.  If you choose to have more corsages, hooray!  Many ladies love wearing them.  You might want to make sure that the mothers' flowers are extra-special since they are in roles of great honor.

It's tradition that the groom's family pays for certain things and the bride's family pays for certain other things.  In many cases, that is all changing and parents are simply handing a check over to the couple to use as they will, or couples are paying for the entirety of their own weddings, as they are getting married older than ever these days.  It would be poor etiquette, however, to demand that someone pay for any part of your wedding.

Tradition is about providing a connection with one's past and heritage.  Etiquette is about making everyone around you feel as comfortable as possible.  Two very different things.

Answer 5

You don't have to follow ettiquete to a degree if you don't want to.

We had a cash bar (which talked through, family wanted cash bar as opposed to dry wedding, we were able to because it was a morning wedding.) We supplied champagne and non alcoholic drinks.

It depends on what you want.

I really love how I get thumbs down for doing what my family asked for...

Answer 6

It's your wedding you do it however you want, it just shows your uniqueness and personality.

Answer 7

your wedding, do what you want!  i didn't follow all the rules, and no one said a thing!  i had a beautiful wedding, just the way i wanted it!  if anyone has anything to say about your friends having corsages, explain to them how much you counted on them for being supportive of you during the planning and you wanted them to be recognized.  aas far as money...that can get tricky depending on how traditional the families are.  for instance, my in laws paid for the rehearsal dinner and gave us $5000 toward other things.  my parents paid for what they could, but we paid for the rest.  etiquette does say who pays for what, but you also have to realize that the etiquette was writte years ago, and some of it simply doesn't apply anymore.  talk to the families and see what they're willing to give.  that's the only way you can come up with a realistic budget anyway!  who knows...maybe you WILL be able to put all your close friends up there with you!  good luck, and congrats!

Answer 8

I'm a Minister that specializes in custom weddings, so I think I can help you on this question.  Etiquette is meant to be a guide only. Your wedding can be done in any fashion that you and your future spouse determine is appropriate for your ceremony.  In many cultures the Bride and Groom give gifts to the guests. There's no reason you can't give corsages to whomever you choose - there is no hard and fast rule as to what you can and cannot do.

As for who pays, traditionally, the Father of the Bride pays for the wedding, but let's face it, in these economic times, we have to be practical. Many couples are paying for their own ceremonies these days. It doesn't matter who pays for what.  For every rule of etiquette there is an exception.  Make your ceremony your own - don't worry about what Martha Stewart says you should do.  She's not marrying your fiancee, you are.  :)   Good luck to you!

Answer 9

Nobody cares who pays for what.  It is customary for the bride's family ot pay for the ceremony, etc- but that's the only way it's ever done.  

As far as honoring close friends with corsages- feel free.  I would also try to get them involved in the wedding if they can.  Have one be the guest book attendant, one man the gift table, etc.  That way they can be involved, in the events of the day too.

Also, keep in mind that bridesmaids and groomsmen typically pay for their own dresses/tuxedos for the event.  So you may be able to incorporate more than you originally planned.

Answer 10

i don't see why not. for my wedding we gave a few of the women in both of our families small coursages because they did something extra special to help us out for our wedding. one aunt prepared our rehersal dinner and another did our cake for us as a gift, we felt they deserved recognition. do what ever you want, you could even list them in your program and let everyone know how special they are to you.

Answer 11

No, you don't have to follow all the rules of polite society. There are no etiquette police, and no-one can force you. Furthermore, as long as you don't offend your friends and relatives, you have achieved all that etiquette aspires to achieve and there's no reason to do more.

Even more importantly, you don't need to follow all the common ***misconsceptions*** about what etiquette requires. The following may put your mind to rest:

1) Etiquette allows ***any*** lady to wear a corsage; and in fact etiquette encourages people to give flowers. If a close friend's escort, fiance or husband gave her a corsage, she would have to choose between wearing his and wearing yours, and etiquette would require her to choose his (sorry). But etiquette absolutely does NOT discourage you from giving flowers to your friends!

2) Etiquette requires that everyone pay his or her own debts. That means if a person decides to hold a dinner, they should expect to pay for it. If a person decides to order flowers, they pay for that. Etiquette doesn't allow people to extort payments from one another. But etiquette absolutely does NOT stand in the way of reasonable adults coming to an agreement over how to pay their bills.

Answer 12

Some "rules" are made to be broken, and you cite two very good examples.

I don't think it would be bad to honor these women with a corsage as a thank you for their importance of your life.  I think the main problem here would be if there are a large number of them.  One or two I would say fine.  Otherwise you may run into a situation where you're spending a lot on corsages to avoid showing favoritism.  If that's the case, leave the special designators to the mothers.  I'm sure these ladies understand how special they are to you.

Wedding etiquette does not say the parents must pay for the wedding at all.  It was "tradition" in the past since the husband was taking on the responsibility of a new bride, but in modern days that's not so much the case.  It doesn't matter who pays for what.  If your families agree they'd like to pay for the wedding and want to split the cost, then go for it.

Good luck.

Answer 13

Its your wedding...do whatever you want. You dont even have to explain yourself. I did the same thing with crosages. I even gave my brother's girlfriend's corsages to wear.

As for paying....whoever can afford it. In my case, my family (Bride) is paying for everything including the rehersal dinner.  

Answer 14

As far as I am concerned, if someone is that important to you, then you shouldn't worry about etiquette. Show favoritism. They are more important to you than the others, so show it. I know if a friend of mine did that, I would feel special and know that I am important to them. It's your wedding, so do what you want to. Do what is going to make you happy.

It's YOUR day. Don't let anyone ruin it for you. You have to make it as special as you want to feel. If that means giving your close friends a corsage then do it!

Try making them a different color than the MOB and future MIL.  

Answer 15

In my opinion, you can do whatever you, your FH and your families want to do and are willing to do.  You will drive yourself crazy if you try to follow every rule of etiquette.  I think they are a nice guideline to use, but some of them just aren't practical in this day and age.  

Answer 16

Some of the old rules are very old and outdated.  the way to look at it is simple really

do what you can to make everyone feel welcome and comfortable

if some are allowed something, all should be

never mention gifts on an invite

food must be served at a meal time reception

1.What if I want to give all my close friends corsages to wear

If you want to spend the money, then do it!  Or have a flower firl hand them out each a single flower upon arrival or save them seats and place a flower at their seats

2. Who pays for what is very outdated.  Its now about who can offer what and afford what.  If they are willing to split it, by all means!

Answer 17

I see no problem with including some extra people with flowers, I can't understand why anyone would be upset that you didn't buy everyone flowers.

Who pays for what is not "etiquette", it is tradition. You cannot pick and choose etiquette, since those are rules to be polite. Tradition is just what people have done, and you do not need to follow that. They do not need to give you a cent, so if they offer you may accept it graciously and put it towards whatever they want. You cannot ask or expect it though, even if it is tradition.

Answer 18

It's your wedding, you can do whatever you want.  You could give your mom and mother-in-law bigger corsages than the other ladies.  That is what I did.  It also makes them feel very important and if they mean that much to you, you should include them in your special day.  In my opinion it doesn't matter who pays.  My husband and I paid for the majority of our wedding, my mother-in-law and grandma-in-law helped out a whole lot, along with my mom and grandma.  Good Luck and I wish you lots of happy years!!

Answer 19

What you're describing isn't necessarily etiquette (rules of social conduct), but tradition, and tradition is easily broken when it doesn't suit your occasion. Yes, give your dear friends corsages to wear. Yes, divide the costs in a way that makes sense for your family situation. Don't let the traditions of a hundred years ago dictate your contemporary event.

"Etiquette" is really about taste and respect - like not asking for monetary gifts from your guests, or not baring your shoulders in a conservative church, or speaking personally with everyone who makes the effort to attend your wedding. It's not about silly senseless rules.