Do you ignore bad behavior in your children ir do you correct it?

Question

I know many "experts" say that parents shoulod ingore the bad behavior so the child will stop. I personally find this advice to be way off the mark. In my opinion, ignoring the bad behavioris the same as allowing it.

For example so you allow your children to have temper trantrums?

We have never allowed our children to have temper tantrums. We have made it a point to teach our children self control and EXPECT them to use it, no matter their age. Obviously a 1 year old has much less self control than a three year old, but to their age ability, we expect it.

When our children are babies and he/she starts that little defiant back arching thing they do, we nip it in the bud right then with a swat on the diapered bottom and a firm, 'NO!". After a few times of this EVERY ONE of our children stopped trying to throw a fit. I have never seen any of my five kids have a full blown tantrum. Not because they are perfect, they certainly aren't!

Answer 1

Everyone has different parenting techniques. I would never try to tell another parent how to raise their children. But, I do not accept bad behavior. Parents must be consistent on their punishments and what they expect from their children....and, not change it when that punishment is not convient at that moment. My kids know if they act  very badly in public.....we go home and they lose their favorite toy for the day. Plus, what I say goes and vice versa with my hubby.

Answer 2

Ok, I couldn't get through your entire question, but once I read about the temper tantrums I had to answer.

I have YET to meet a toddler who was told no during a temper tantrum then suddenly stopped having them after doing this a few times.  Huh??  If your child was like 7 maybe?  My 2 year old throws tantrums alot for no reason, and certainly a no and tap on the butt (which I have done several times mind you) has yet to sink in her head.  What does work is putting her in a place where I can not see her and let her cry it out.  After a minute or two she realizes that I won't pay attention to her during this and stop.   When my 2 year old does something like put her foot on the table and I tell her no, then she does it again, I ignore it.  She's trying to get a reaction out of me and it's boring to her when she doesn't get one.  Depending on what the bad behavior is - some times you have to just ignore it and the child will stop.

I should add that when a child is screaming and screaming in a store, do you really think yelling back at them or disciplining them will stop their screaming?  Again, depends on the age.  My 2 year old would keep screaming - THEN I ignore her and eventually she stops.  Don't put down parents who ignore their screaming kid in a store - they are ignoring them for a reason!!

Answer 3

i never ignore it. i correct any bad behavior, then and there. at the store, at a friends, etc. ignoring it doesn't make any sense, you are giving them the permission to do it, by not responding. bad behavior is bad behavior. that is like ignoring it when your child takes off out into the street with out looking both ways. that is bad, deal with it then and there. teach them when something is unacceptable immediately. i did the same thing you did with tantrums, my kids are 8 & 12 and haven't had a tantrum since probably 13-14 months old. and to be truthful, neither of my kids have repeated 90% of the bad behavior that i addressed. i think that is a pretty good outcome!

Answer 4

I agree with you.  I correct bad behavior.  As far as tantrums go, I still need to work on that--I'm still trying to find the right way to deal with them.  

I think the best way to approach disciplining bad behavior is to be "no-nonsense" about it.  Speak in a firm voice with no intonations.  Their behavior may be totally grinding on you, but you have to remain calm and speak without any intonation that you are annoyed.  Keep your tone even and your voice calm but firm.  

But ignoring bad behavior is a farce.  How can you expect them to know what kind of behavior to exhibit if you only ignore the bad and don't teach them the proper way to do things.  If they are over-reacting to something by throwing a tantrum, you need to put a stop to the tantrum and tell them they need to find better ways to let go of their frustration.  If you never teach them a different way to behave because you just ignore it all, how will they ever learn the right way to behave?  

And you are so very right about parents who go off on clerks, teachers, and other people for every little matter under the sun.  They probably didn't learn much self-control and how to handle things in a mature way when they were kids.

**I had to add about the screaming in the store episode.  If my kids are screaming, really screaming in the store, I don't ignore it.  I simply stop shopping and walk calmly out of the store with the kids.  I can do my shopping later without them, or if we were going for something fun, we do without.  They need to learn that is not appropriate behavior and sometimes the best way to teach that is to take them out of the situation entirely.  It's way less humiliating too, to leave the store rather than walk around with a screaming child in tow.

Answer 5

Oh HECK no I don't ignore it!  That's one of the worst things you can do.  Ignoring bad behavior does nothing but send the child a message that they can get away with it because there is no consequence.  Sure I believe explaining why the a tantrum or behavior is wrong, but I sure do believe in giving a consequence along side that.

I don't allow temper tantrums either.  My two year old gets sent to the corner until he can chill out and straighten up.  Sometimes he gets a swat on the bottom.  Most of the time telling him to "use his words" instead of whining.  And you are correct, a one year old has less control over themselves than a three year old.  But that is not an excuse to let it go.  Time outs are a great incentive for one year olds and it *can* work if you are consistent.  My two year old has had maybe three full blow tantrums in his life and all three of them ended with a quick single spank on his bottom and then looking him the eye I say in a calm but firm tone "Stop this behavior now please."  It works.  I don't let him get away with it.  If I allow it then he will continue it.

These "experts" are wrong on this one.  I've seen it time and time again the screaming child in the store and the mom just ignores it and the screaming continues and continues and escalates until the mother gives in.  I've seen it with my own eyes the results when I don't let my son get away with it and they are good ones.

I can see it now, these children who's bad behavior is ignored: But officer my mommy ignored my bad behavior, can't you over look it this time?   :)  Real life doesn't work that way.  When they start school and they act up, the behavior won't be ignored.  Ignoring it only sets them up for failure.

**The asker is primarily speaking of toddlers and children under the age of three.  Teaching a child to show emotions in a positive way is great, but a two year old will not understand that just yet.  Yes show them how, but they also need consequences when they throw tantrums.  A school aged child has no excuse for that kind of behavior.  They know how to speak and act accordingly**

Answer 6

it depends on the child. he iether wants attentoin and is misbehaving to get it, or he is just developing bad habbets.

first, spend extra time with with him when he starts acting up. after a couple weeks if that doesnt work, then disiplen him everytime he does it. i wouldent do anything fisicle, maybe a time out. and dont give in everytime he says sorry, be strong and have certain times of time out for certain things that he did. he will learn not to misbehave.

Answer 7

I agree with you to a point, I think you should deal with bad behaviour their & then...by 1. giving them a warning 2. (If the bad behaviour continues) put them in time out like you said you would & when they have cooled down have a talk with them about their behaviour...If they continue misbehaving do the same time out routine, but later take away a privelege aswell.

As long as your firm & consistent this is very good for instilling disipline, because it respectfully teaches a child you do not put up with that behaviour, their are consequences to certain actions & behaviours.

However I definitely do not believe hittng a baby teaches them anything....I actually think that is completely wrong. It may teach them to act a certain way around *you.* And bottle up their emotions, unfortunately because they now know you will hit them, so they behave (in your case anyway)...but It doesn't instill any healthy behaviour habits that will stay with them for life. Hitting an infant or child for that matter will not teach them self control, just the opposite...It's more likely to show them that your out of control...lead by example.

(Response to details)

OK Carrie..Regardless of my own stance on corporal punishment, Anyone with an ounce of sense knows it is wrong to hit a child in diapers! I knew this long before I had read any parenting books, Your children don't agree with you at all! they just don't know any better. lol

You have lots of children, however not many parenting skills.

Answer 8

if it's something dangerous, stop him imediately and make it clear he is not allowed. But for the rest, kids do bad stuff to get attention ... if they don't get attention, they won't do those things anymore. Give them a lot of attention when they do something that you like and want to encourage, they want attention and they do whatever works

Answer 9

I correct the bad behavior the minute it starts. I hate my children being the ones crying and making a scene with other people starring at me and them. That makes me feel like I haven't done my job as a parent and I am not treating them like I should.

Answer 10

I agree with you. I get in conversations all the time with other friends that tell me that kids my sons age (23 months)  dont understand discipline or dont understand a swat on the bottom.

About an hour after one of these conversations the other day where I am defending the way I discipline, my son went to far away from me in a campground. I told him to come back that he was too far. He turned around and very defiantly told me NO! so all i did was stand up to walk to him to talk  to him and he put his hands over his bottom.  He knew by his action what mommy would do.

  for my 23 month old I give him 2 warnings then one swat on the diaper But I wont negotiate or allow him to continue the negative behavior.

I do not think ignoring is a good method of controlling your childs behavior.

Answer 11

I nipped the temper tantrum thing the FIRST TIME.

Honey, mom can't hear you when you talk likt that.  Use your nice voice so I can understand you.

He was eight months old.

He never whined again, nor threw a tantrum, never.

Now he's 14 years old.

That said, I would never hit a baby, ever.  I would never hit a child, ever.  Not ever, not for any reason!

Answer 12

For me it depends on what it is.  If it is something dangerous that could risk life and limb I'll stop her from doing it.

If it's just something annoying I'll normally let it go depending on my mood.

If I've told her to stop doing something and she keeps it up, she goes to timeout.

Regarding tantrums I started putting her in timeout when she was about 1 1/2.  She's 2 1/2 now and I don't remember the last tantrum.

Ignoring your kids bad behavior is neglectful.  There are however something that should not be responded to such as whining for some candy or something.  I'll ignore that.

Answer 13

We don't ignore temper tantrums at our house we have a 2 and a 3 yr old. They are given timeouts, and have been given time outs since they could both walk. Before the timeout they are told to stop and take a big  breath and then they go to their designated timeout spot. 1 minute for the 2yr old and 2 minutes for the 3 yr old. After that they are asked to apologize to the people in the room at the time of the tantrum, for being rude.

Answer 14

Our kids are allowed to show emotion, we just help them to do it politely & safely.  

There are times when a child simply does not have the ability to express their feelings in any other way besides crying.  Especially when they are pre-verbal or in early speaking phases.  But, also, when they are overwhelmed by frustration in new situations or when they are exhausted & can't multi-task appropriately.  

Demanding that they simply don't express their feelings is not going to help them learn how to do so in a polite, safe & effective way.  

Instead, if they are in full meltdown (and it doesn't happen much anymore for them  or for me :D ), we stop/stopped what we're doing & parent them, helping them to learn how to politely & safely deal with whatever it is they're facing at the time.