Do you know any humorous quotations?

Question

E.g. "Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a night.... Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."

Answer 1

She was what we used to call a suicide blonde - dyed by her own hand.

- - - Saul Bellow

He must have had a magnificent build before his stomach went in for a career of its own.

- - - Margaret Halsey

A thousand-dollar suit on him would look like socks on a rooster.

- - - Earl Long

Answer 2

Its not important whether you win or lose, what's important is that you do your best....and if you didnt win..you didnt do your best.

Answer 3

if we live by if's and but's it be Christmas every day

Answer 4

"For the first 3 years of my life I thought I was Jesus Christ.

Every time my Mother would see me she would say,"Jesus Christ don't put that in your mouth, or Jesus Christ put that down."

Bill Cosby

Answer 5

allah

Answer 6

find a penny pick it up and all long day you'll have good luck

Answer 7

I like yours.

Here are some others I've come across:

"Every book is a children's book if the kid can read." - Mitch Hedberg

"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?" - H.L. Mencken

"(Toast) To alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems." - Homer Simpson

"In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem." - George Carlin

"I believe that s*x is the most beautiful, natural, and wholesome thing that money can buy." - Steve Martin

Answer 8

"Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches...it is more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your a$$ tomorrow."  Garfield.

Answer 9

http://thinkexist.com/quotes/with/keywor...

its kinda tedious to find what you want but good luck

***Edit*** Give a dimocrat a fish, and he'll want more.  How's that?

Answer 10

I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”

“I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you."”

“I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.”

“There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock star or an opera diva.”

Answer 11

Don't criticize a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes. Then, you're a mile a way from him - and you've got his shoes !

Answer 12

Give a man a fish and he will eat for the day

teach a man to fish and he will eat every day

teach a man to learn and he will teach himself to fish

Answer 13

when life gives you lemonds you make a beef sandwich