Do you let yourself and your children feel the way you feel with out censor.....?

Question

such as allowing yourself to feel irrationally angry about something. Knowing that it is irrational, but just saying,

"hey, I give myself permission to be irrationally angry for awhile, it is how I am feeling and I am not going to suppress it because it isn't "right" to feel this way."

Or do you tend to model the way you get angry or sad or upset after societies acceptability rules? Do you think it is important to teach your children to acknowledge their feelings about things with acceptance instead of shame, thereby letting them have their feelings without telling them how they SHOULD feel?

Answer 1

Feelings? Yes!  They should be felt & honored fully.

But, I do try to make sure that I (and the kids) are behaving politely, respectfully, fairly & safely, no matter how we are feeling.

Answer 2

Of course. It seems silly to expect someone to feel a particular way just because it's "normal" given the situation.

People are all different, and not everyone will react to a situation with the same emotions. Even the same person might feel different emotions for the same situation on a different day.

It's thing to censor the way you act out your feelings, we have a certain level of control over that, but no one can control what they actually feel.

One of the most unbelievably insensitive things I've heard someone say is "shouldn't you be over that by now?" as if someone should feel certain things within certain time periods just because that is how someone else reacted.

Answer 3

I am embarrassed to admit it, but sometimes I throw temper tantrums in front of my children (a toddler and preschooler) over really small things.  I don't think there is a problem with being angry and letting others know, even if it is over something silly, but there is a problem with losing control when you are angry, and I really have to work sometimes to model control over my anger.  My mother always stressed that I was not supposed to get angry at other people, suggesting that I should worry more about how other people feel, and I think that is part of the reason I have difficulty controlling it now.

I think it is very important to teach/model how to acknowledge their feelings, and to express them in an acceptable way, so they can communicate before they explode.

Answer 4

Having the forethought to plan out irrational behavior, contradicts the impulse reaction that usually accompanies that (sometimes excuseable) behavior.  That says to me, "I have the self control to handle this, I'm just choosing not to exercise any".  No, I wouldn't do that.  Sends a wrong message to the kids.

I have though, said to my kids when they know I'm upset about something,  "I had a rough day at work.  I'm trying to get over it.  I'm almost there!"  or something along those lines.  Or maybe I'm not almost there, I'll say "I think I'm going to need some space."  ... I dont know, maybe I'm reading your question wrong.  Is that what you meant?  Yes I do do that.

Absolutely they should be able to express their feelings.  They just need to do so responsibly.  They're not born knowing how, so that's my role to teach them.  I often say to my kids after confronting them about behavior (say for example, he was mad at my decision, and slammed his bedroom door as a reaction) "You can be sad about my decision, you can even be mad, but you CANNOT slam doors and talk back to me..."  Then we talk about what he CAN do.  Most of all I keep in check that stomping my own feet down the hall to his room and flinging the door open just to be madder than him accomplishes nothing.  

I don't try to talk him out of how he's feeling.  It's how he's feeling.  I encourage that.  But we do talk about the right and wrong way of handling those emotions.

I also tell my kids it's okay to ask me WHY this is my decision, as long as there's a genuine hope for understanding, and not just questioning it for the sake of further insisting upon what they want.  After all, they're not born knowing the importance of a good night's sleep or what the big deal about vegetables is.  

I dont model my parenting after society at all.  In fact, I'm glad you asked.  Society has taken a real step backwards.  The "Look out for #1" mindset has had a negative effect on our kids, and with a lack of accountability.