1. Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week and said, 'Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door. They undressed and got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and ....'
The mother held up her hand and said, 'Not another word! Wait until your father gets home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me.'
The father came home and the wife tells him that she's leaving him. 'But why?' croaked the husband.
'Go ahead, Johnny. Tell Daddy what you've just told me.'
'Well,' said little Johnny, 'I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob.'
2. Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished."
Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Gee, it worked!"
Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"
Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!"
3. Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?"
Grandpa looks at him and says "No Johnny, I will not."
"But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny.
Grandpa replies. "Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one worth writing to."
4. One day at school, the topic of the day was, "What part of your body goes to Heaven first?"
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher saw this and thought to herself, 'Oh no! Johnny always says something bad - I'll make sure he's the last one I call on!' So, instead the teacher calls on Susie.
Susie says, "I think your brain goes to Heaven first because you have to be smart to go to Heaven."
The teacher congratulated Susie, "That's very good, Susie!" Then, the teacher calls on Mary.
Mary says, "I think your heart goes to Heaven first because you have to love to go to Heaven."
The teacher congratulated Mary, "Very good, Mary!"
By this time, Johnny is waving his hand, "Oh, oh, oh!"
The teacher gets ready and says, "Okay, Johnny, it's your turn."
Johnny gets up and says, "I think your feet go to Heaven first."
The curious teacher asks, "Well, Johnny, that's very good! But, why do you suppose your feet go to Heaven first?"
"Well," replies little Johnny, "last night I walked into my parent's room, and my mom had her feet in the air, screaming, 'Oh God, I'm coming, I'm coming!'"
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