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Question

The Discovery of America

Because we as Americans have the freedom to think about how we want the world to be, America has changed the world so much, in so many different ways. I believe that America being found is the most significant event in history because the world would be so much different if not for this country. When the pilgrims came to America, they were trying to escape the harshness of other countries, and change their world for the better. Many people have spent their lives fighting for what they believe is best for America. No other country in the world has as much freedom as America offers. It provides a great example of what other countries could follow. If America had not been discovered, the world as we know it would not be what it is today.

In my opinion, America being discovered has drastically made a difference in the world. Could it be that freedom is the most wanted thing in the world? I believe that it could be. America shows great leadership in many areas such as our political powers because we can help decide who our political leaders are. With our freedom of religion, we aren’t forced to any particular lifestyle. Freedom of speech lets us voice our minds and our own opinions. There are many more freedoms that we have as American citizens that other countries do not offer.

Because of America, there is more livable land. Think of how cramped and crowded the world would be if not for this massive land. America is not only the third biggest land-area in the world, it is also the third biggest by population. That would create a huge (literally!) problem if there was not this land space; people would be miserable and there would be even more of a problem of starvation, and homeless people, because there would be less room for crops and factories and houses. So, if America had not been discovered, this world would be a disaster.

Another reason that the discovery of America is the most significant event in history is for its Armed Forces. America has one of the largest and most powerful military systems in the world. How does this benefit the world you might ask? Well we help protect other, smaller countries that don’t stand a chance against most military’s. If it wasn’t for our military system, America would not be where it is today. Many people come to America from other countries because of the great protection and job opportunities our military offers.

Overall, America being discovered has benefited the world greatly. Between the freedom, land space, army, and many other qualities, there is great reason to believe that this country being discovered is the most significant event in history. People may argue differently; but in my opinion, I can’t think of any other event that has changed the world more. Although it hasn’t been proven who was the discoverer of America, Christopher Columbus helped a lot by making sure that this great land that he found was known about. America has so much to offer and is still growing in population. I can’t imagine how much this country and its people will have accomplished in the years to come.

Answer 1

It's good, but allow me to make a few suggestions:

-The first paragraph has to e the best: it has to grab the readers attention and provide a thesis. Therefore, there are a couple things you should do to make the beginning of your essay better. I wouldn't start an essay with "Because." I suggest you instead start with a statement. Also, you use "so much/many" very often in the first paragraph. Another thing, since this is a classic five paragraph essay, in your first paragraph you should mention what you are about to talk about (a thesis). There are a couple of other little things in the first paragraph I would change, so here is how I would edit it: "We, as Americans, have the freedom to think about how we want the world to be. Therefore, America has changed the world greatly [or you could use "significantly"] in many different ways. I believe the discovery [or "foundation"] of America is the most significant event event in history because the world would be unimaginably different without this country. When the Pilgrims came to America, they were trying to escape the harshness of other countries. They, along with the other settlers who came to America, found a land full of plenty of space, and built it into a nation with enormous freedoms and a powerful military to protect it. The result has been a country that is a great example for other countries to follow. If America had not been discovered, none of this would have been possible and the world as we know it would not be what it is today."

-Also, you use the passive voice too much. The beginning of paragraph 2 starts, "In my opinion, America being discovered...", but it would sound better in the active voice, like this: "In my opinion, the discovery of America...", or, even better, take out "in my opinion," (of course it is your opinion, it's your essay)  and just have, "The discovery of America..."

-You also seem to use the word "discovery" and "foundation" as synonyms. But they are not. When I think discovery of America, I think Columbus, Pilgrims, ect. When I think foundation, I think George Washington, Jefferson, ect. Decide which you are talking about: discovery of the land or foundation of the country, and use that term. Perhaps you should move the land paragraph (#3) to be the paragraph #2. If you do that, you could first talk about the discovery of America the land, and in the next two paragraphs you could talk about the foundation of the country, and how that brought freedom (paragraph #2) and the armed forces (#4). (That way, the order would be paragraph 1,3,2,4,5.) You could start the paragraph about freedom kind of like this: "In my opinion, America being discovered has drastically made a difference in the world by leading to the foundation of the United States, which has brought freedom to many people. Could it be that freedom is the most wanted thing in the world?..." That way, your essay is about the discovery being the most important, but you can still talk about the foundation of the country as a by-product of the discovery.

Finally, just three minor changes: change "livable" in paragraph 3 to "inhabitable". In paragraph #4, change "military's" to "militaries." And change "it hasn’t been proven who was the discoverer of America..." in paragraph 5 to "it hasn't been proven who discovered America..."

Otherwise, very good job. The essay, as I have pointed out, needs to be cleaned up a little, but your ideas are strong and persuasive.

Answer 2

it's okay. if it's for high school you should be fine.

Answer 3

I am NOT going to read that.

Answer 4

its good, a little dry. Um could give some examples of how America uses freedom or liberty to help other countries become free as your writing it, other than that just a little repeated. Very good essay overall.

Answer 5

Watch your position that America was "found." It's always been here. Take care with your grammar and punctuation - it's a bit all over the place, i.e. run-on sentences. Capitalize it and, at least at first and last it's the United States of America. Pilgrim is also capitalized. Change biggest to largest. Try to clean up the paragraph re: the Military. It's messy, although I do agree with your argument. (Not ALL our Military history is good, i.e. how we treated the Native Americans.) I'd emphasize our help to keep Europe free in BOTH Wars. Without us, it would have fallen into Fascism, Nazism - Bad in any event.

I think you really hit the nail on the head with your theme of Freedom. That's it - you nailed it.

Good job. E-mail me if you'd like more help. It's VERY refreshing to see a youngster try to do a good job on their own. You should be proud of yourself!!

Christopher is right. You're too passive. No "I think" or "I believe," that sort of thing. Be definitive. This goes for all your classes.

Answer 6

      Good essay, sounds like you're about in the 8th, 9th, or 10th grade? Reason for me saying that is because it's an awfully short essay for a grade level higher then that, unless it's for a scholarship or something. You've got great puncuation and spelling... I think you repeated a few things when once was plenty in the first and second paragraph. It could sound a bit smoother with some transitions in between paragraphs. That is one thing I constantly need to remember when I write. Another thing I might recommend, is searching for some cool new vocabulary words, just to spice things up a bit.

      One thing I couldn't help but think about was... if whoever did find America didn't find it, doesn't it amaze you to think about how much the population of the Native Americans would have grown? Whether or not our world would have been cramped up as you said, there still would have been cramping for the Native Americans who were already there even though they were not recognized or known about. The Native American population dropped dramatically due to conspicious fighting and racism that our discoverers knew relatively nothing about. I'm an Irish American myself, but it just made me wonder about that. America is awesome, I love the patriotism, it's so great to know that people still take pride in our country :-) Good work!