Do you like my intro? Please critique!?

Question

In the first half of the twentieth century, Mexican women roles were a combination of both. They would obey and play the traditional role of a Mexicana but they also subtly resisted and challenge the status quo. There are several examples that demonstrate in how they would challenge the traditional role, thus, with no extreme confrontation on their side.

Answer 1

The second sentences is a fragment. Overall the intro is boring without a clear thesis. maybe if you go straight to the info like say what a woman does as a traditional Mexicana, how they resisted. Why is this important? Convince your audience.

Answer 2

I'm confused - you say "Mexican women roles were a combination of both." Both what??

Answer 3

The first sentence is confusing...a combination of both "of what?"

Answer 4

Like everyone says were a combination of both what?? Also an intro has to have what the eassy/assignment etc is going to discuss for example.

" In the first half of the 20th century, mexican women were divided into working within two differing worlds. The first, following the traditional role of a mexicana, the second, resisting the status quo of the western world and what they had to offer"....then go into what you are hoping to achieve!!

REMEMBER whatever is in your conclusion should be in your intro so sometimes easier to write ( or rewrite) the intro after you have done your conclusion!

Answer 5

what is this all about

Answer 6

the second half of the first sentence needs to be revised. For example:

          In the early twentieth century, Mexican women followed traditional roles in society but they also challenged these roles.

Per the rest of the paragraph: you should name a few of the ways Mexican women challenged traditional roles.

Answer 7

It is better if you start with a general sentence about women or Mexican women in particular. I think you are talking about the traditional and the modern role of women. Readers should be rewarded right from the very beginning and need not be left to contemplate. You also need a source before you make such statements. Otherwise, I liked how you framed the issue and the argument that women were not docile bodies.

Answer 8

what is "both"? If you are answering a question or prompt, be sure that your essay can stand alone and be understood.  I would also suggest throwing in a Mexican proverb or some interesting fact as an attention getter- the grader of the essays most likely reading a bunch of these and yours should stand out somehow.

change challenge to past tense for parallel structure.

Don't use "there" as a state of being- rearrange last sentence.

Take out in before how.

Take out "thus"