Do you like my love poem? please tell me how to improve?

Question

Heart Burn

The curdling and piercing flame within

Flickering in shades of scarlet and orange

Gnaws at the edges of a beating organ

Contorting every pulse and taunting it into shame

A pair of eyes fuels and electrifies the fire within

Causing a rush of light headed energy to surge through the bodice

Labour no longer has meaning and pain almost non existent

Eternal happiness appears to be in reach

Yet something causes the blaze to sear with rage

Scorching and singeing at the now pleading heart

Each pulse now a shiver or tremble

Self control seems to have gone by this stage

With a painted smile, and a forced air of enthusiasm

She wills the days to go by

But those hypnotic eyes and the owner’s unquestionable beauty

Make her question her mental state and continue to deny

A turmoil of happiness, highs and sudden defeat

Is overwhelming and hard to beat

His voice a lullaby, spoken in dulcet and silvery tones

A fine tune, weaving and trickling softly through her bones

This is a war and her weapons are useless

Alarm bells blaze in both ears

But she adopts a dazed trance

Her heart still entangled in chains, a prisoner, until she decides to confess

Answer 1

; : 0 )

Answer 2

Instead of describing with images what's happening to you, try to describe with words what you cannot say about what's happening to you. You know? And relax the structure. Personally, I can't stand stanza after stanza where I just know a rhyme is coming...it gets annoying because I can almost foretell what words are going to rhyme. Otherwise, a really nice piece of work you've got. ; )

Answer 3

it is good. very deep and descriptive. :)