Do you like my lyrics?

Question

most honest when you break,

when you cant pretend not to feel harm,

i like seeing you this way,

watch the weight lift from your beaten heart,

i hope molten rock leaves a stain,

on your muscle shirt when its on your back,

truly that's my only complaint,

until then i complain that your not ash,

there's a sword that's called good health,

but only serves when the holder seeks wealth,

ive seen it used many times today,

if one man has it all there is no one else,

.... i dunno i was bored so i just made this up. what do you think?

Answer 1

The meaning is too vague...and not expressed in an interesting way.  I don't mind the lower case(cf e e cummings) but why don't you use apostrophes: can't pretend, you're not ash(what?), i've seen it.

Sorry, but you'll have to do better if you want me to say I like it!  

Answer 2

I am a song writer and I understand the message you are trying to send but you are doing it in the wrong way. Songs must have some form of organization. If you rhyme in one verse than you need to do that in all of them except the chorus unless you want to. Or you could have the chorus rhyme and nothing else. there are several ways to go about it but organization is a key. easier to read, understand, and sing to. You could have every other line rhyme or two and two. that is confusing. here is a model the x's rhyme with the x's and the same for the o's.

xxxxx

ooooo

xxxxx

ooooo

or

xxxxx

xxxxx

ooooo

ooooo



You are a great writer and i love your choice of words. keep it up!

Answer 3

yeah they are ok, some parts dont make to much sense, but keep working on it! ^_^