Do you like my new Verse Libre?

Question

*****

MOTHER OF PEARLY GATES

Between the sheets, between life and death,

you linger,

Each platform you reach, lessons they teach,

and the singer

remembers the words, and

the dying,

Before the peace, purgatory,

for sinners,

And promises made just to brake,

no winners,

Begin where you been, and

remember,

Before Saint Peter you tremble,

kicking pebbles,

Like a fumbling, mumbling little boy,

broken toys,

And you wish for what was never given,

forgiven.

*****

Answer 1

"Hi!",

I enjoyed this one.

Your out in STYLE tonight.

WELL DONE!

Cheers : )

Answer 2

I don't know...I think I actually prefer the word "brake" in this particularly deep and impacting poem. Promises made just to brake...braking, stopping, what are the promises stopping, or attempting to. Obviously, with the following line "no winners", the promises didn't stop what was to happen. But are these divine promises or human promises. Much food for thought in your little typo...I might conisder making it permanent, but that's just me.

Answer 3

Hey TD, I wanted to offer some suggestions to this piece (use or ignore at your discretion):

You linger between

the sheets,

life and death,

each platform you reach,

the lessons they teach,

and the singer remembers

the words and the dying.

You wait

before the peace, purgatory

for sinners,

promises broken

no winners,

Begin where you have been

and remember.

You tremble

before Saint Peter

kicking pebbles—

a fumbling, mumbling little boy,

broken toys

and the wish for what was never given,

forgiven.

Answer 4

Not being an avid fan of free verse, I must judge by the ease and quality of the reading.  This one read well, each line seemed to flow well into the next and did not give me a feeling that it was a long chopped up sentence.  I would say this is well done.

Answer 5

Your new Verse Libre is poetic, professional, resplendent with imagery, internal and end rhyme, as well as music. I like it very much.

"Verse Libre" does not mean freedom to be chaotic.

Answer 6

Done well.  Great last stanza.  

Answer 7

Very good, I like this form.

made to break? or is it really to brake?

I am going to have a Cuba Libre to celebrate this new typo. With a cigar.

Answer 8

I'm going to have to disagree with some of the other folks. I think it is okay, but to me it has too many cliches to be really interesting.

The opening has two prepositional phrases that seem cliched, or hackneyed, and don't set us up for very much. Because of that, I can't see the "platform" the "lessons" and so on.

I like the line "Begin where you been," and the poem picks up a bit there--as if you finally wrote "to" the subject. In fact, I like the last stanza, but not the "mumbling" or "broken toys" parts. They just seem thrown in.

I think you're a good writer, but I don't think this reaches your usual level.