Do you like my poem? Please be blunt!!!?

Question

In language arts class we had to write our own version of George Ella Lyon's poem "where I'm from" So this is my version. Also i followed a template that was made by Levi Romero. Also everything has relevance, but i am not going to try to explain every single word. Here it goes.

Adapted by Levi Romero

Inspired by “Where I’m From” by George Ella Lyon

I am from an endless supply of applesauce

From cluttered counters and piles of photo books

I am from the once lot up the street from the synagogue

That smells like football players and tastes like frozen milk

I am from the Lavender plants that have grown so large

The old oak tree and red buds

Whose long gone limbs I remember

As if they were my own

I’m from Hilton Head vacations and bickering brothers

From Grandma and Grandpa

I’m from winter football games and putting fingers in my mouth

And from teeth that always seem to have something wrong

I’m from “Don’t make a mess” and “I love you”

And from “Work hard, make me proud, and do your best”

I’m from waking up hours before the sun on Christmas

I’m from Kentucky and Scotland

Pancakes on Saturday and Joe Bolognas’ after church every Sunday

From always having a smile

Through thick and thin

From the memories I will never forget

That will always have a place in my heart

Also the end of the first paragraph should be italicized. But this website won't let me do that. I do not own this in anyway, shape or, form.

Answer 1

This is a beautiful and honest piece of writing. I can almost picture the type of person you are in my mind. I really liked the amount of descriptive words you used. Many writers tend to overwrite - I don't know if it is because they feel they need to explain themselves to the reader. You make use of interesting turns of phrase - some of them surprised me and this made me think that perhaps you have a few surprising and unexpected characteristics yourself.

One thing that did, however, bother me is the last stanza as well as your rhythm. Let's address the last stanza. I really like the quotes you added, since this makes the poem more personal and real. I do, however, feel as if you rushed the final few lines. It almost comes across as though you didn't know what else to write. the lines seem a bit out of place and causes the poem to lose its intensity.

With regards to the rhythm - I think it is well structured in the first stanza as well as the first half of the second stanza. But then, for some reason you start throwing in untidy and uncomfortable phrases.

But this is really a wonderful poem - you have a unique talent and you should continue using it.

Answer 2

It's nice....but I dont really get it...

Answer 3

i think that is a very honest piece of writing. it is very nostalgic.

honestly, on the scale of 1 to 10 i would definitely rate it with an 8.  

Answer 4

I didn't read the poem from George but I get yours and I think it's great.

Answer 5

Omg dats well good

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