Do you like my short poems?

Question

I'm 15 and i have recently begun to think that i have a bit of a talent for writing poems...

Tears from within - by Jen

Tryin to hide, it’s not working as planned,

Seeing my life, finding it hard to stand,

For I never thought I’d see the day,

I let a guy do it that way.

I felt the warmth, of his hand,

Against my ribs, my neck, my hand.

Feeling the breath ripped from inside,

I had an attack, I couldn’t hide.

I was shaking, couldn’t stay steady,

What have I done, I wasn’t ready.

Days went by, still seeing the guy,

I realise now, the reason why.

He was in love, I started to cry.

A month went on, I still wonder why,

He kept coming back, but i said goodbye

Leaving me - By Jen

It started with one, my life had soon begun,

It ended with two, when I first lost you,

Days taken away, I haven’t seen you today,

Please come back to me, I miss you, I wish you could see,

All I want in life, Is for you to be with me.

Answer 1

These are really good.  Well done. In fact, I used to write poems like this as a teenager.  I had the best bit of advice ever from an English teacher (who was an inspiration to me in a number of ways).  He encouraged me, but said, "try to break away from ryming couplets, and write freer verse".  I took his advice and noticed that my poems were maturer and I had to work harder to achieve the rythym and word-flow.  I'll pass that on to you too.



Anyway, I came across your question, because Boomby, on of my contacts had starred it.  Now it's got me thinking that it's way too long since I wrote a poem...  So I might just be inspired to get my pen out.  Cheers to you both.

Answer 2

All of those seems like a good poem. You should publish a book lol. Also if you want to copyright all of the things you have posted on the net, go to http://creativecommons.org/ so you can be worry free (esp. some may steal your works)

;)

Answer 3

Your first poem seems almost lyrical.  If you play an instrument it would make for a great song!  Try it!

The 2nd poem is good, but may need a little tweaking to really get the most out of it.

Your first line "...had soon..." it makes the sentence drag a bit.  Maybe if you use "my life [soon] begun" it would create a better flow to the sentence structure.

The same with the 2nd line: "...I first lost you" is a bit redundant.  "When I lost you" is more significant and less wordy.

Answer 4

These poems are well constructed, but they are by no means original, they rather represent the perpetuating youth of generations after generations of lovers.

They are precious poems because of their simplicity and universality.  It will be the same poem your future daughter and future granddaughter will one day put on a sheet of paper, unchanged.

Good perpetuating!  Nice poem revival.

Answer 5

I like the second one.

And yet the 3rd one is now my favorite.

I love how you write. <33

Answer 6

Your poems are way nice! =] you're really good at writing poems! =D