Do you like my song/poem? I call it "Hide n Seek"?

Question

You were here on my darkest days,

You could see through my empty face,

You could see my saddest gaze,

I am still trusting you.

Many dark clouds in my sky today,

A million people in the church today,

All of them trusting you,

But it doesn't really matter to you.

Please dont let me fall apart,

please dont let me break away,

If you cant hear me,

Please open your eyes and see.

Dont be so scarce,

Dont act so scared,

Though its us you forbidden,

You are still forgiven.

By:

LUCiFER

Answer 1

i also so think its ok. I know it needs a  little work i kind of got lost in it... i didn't follow it very well. You have a beginning ofa masterpiece on your hands.

Answer 2

not bad

what r u referring to here

maybe if i knew that i could give u a better review

=)

Answer 3

Hmmm . . . doesn't seem to make much sense.  Your attempts at rhyme don't quite hit the mark.  Keep working on it, though!

Answer 4

I REALLY like the first and third verse.  The first verse speaks of a deep connection with someone through a really dark, sad space.

And the third verse, yes, it challenges the reader to open their eyes and take a look, that is good.  My eyes are open Luc.  

This seems to be coming from a different space inside of you.  Maybe a littlte of that love that you don't really want is trickling in regardless.